Things That Happened and are Happening

Graded my first stack of papers. It took two days. 2 page paper x 53 = two days of grading, but the required page numbers go up with each assignment, so by the end of the semester I’ll be grading 8-10 page paper x 53, does this = 16 days of grading? That math’s probably correct right, I did not use a calculator, look at me go.

So on Saturday I’m going to be a bridesmaid. I was told of this several months ago, obviously, so that I would have time to get my dress in order. As you may know, I then spent literally weeks and weeks shopping for the dress. Did I simply purchase one of the many reasonably-priced online options the bride-to-be sent me? No. I became obsessed with the idea of getting a fancy bridesmaid gown for under $20 at some sort of thrift store and/or free pile. They said I was crazy, but then I finally did it! A $300 Nicole Miller number for $20 at Buffalo Exchange. Hot little ticket of a dress, fancy as shit, and, if I’m being honest, prohibitively tight. I did it! I am the greatest living genius! I stuck the dress in my closet and gave it nary another thought.

Cut to: two days ago. Suddenly it occurs to me that I should put the dress on and wear it for an hour to make sure I won’t faint (due to aforementioned Scarlett O’Hara levels of tightness in the ribcage area). If I had gained one half of a pound since purchasing it, the dress would no longer fit, so, just to be safe, lets try that baby on! I try it on. I look down. Only then do I notice that there is a huge splattery stain all down the entire front of the dress.

I am not a total idiot–the stain is very subtle. For a second I considered wearing the dress anyway, because I am a slob. But then stronger bridesmaidly urges took over, reminding me that this was my good dear friend’s special day, and also that her groom-to-be is a man with conservative tastes who wishes the wedding to be extremely traditionally beautiful, and I don’t want to set their marriage off on the wrong foot by showing up for my duties covered in somebody else’s wine stain. I called Jae and she came over emergency-quick and told me she didn’t think it could be dry cleaned out.

This left me with two days to finish all my grading and also buy a bridesmaid dress! So I just went to Macy’s and bought one. It was so easy. It took like 45 minutes.

The whole thing was so stupid. I would like to say I learned a lesson but I probably didn’t. The new dress is fine, and also actually fits me. The old man pointed out that “at least now you can dance and breathe,” which is really a positive as far as I’m concerned. I also got 10% off because it’s got a big rip in it (<--comedic overstatement (there is a rip though)) I am not a cheapskate. In fact my father once said that "money burns a hole in [my] pocket," which is very rude but also true of him to say. I love buying cool shit and going out to big dinners with wine. I am terrible at living by a budget. I did not have a savings account until I married my old man. Thank god for marrying someone who has different strengths and weaknesses than you do! But still, when it comes to a fancy gown I'm only gonna wear once, it's very hard to get a big boner for dropping $300 clams that could be spent on pizza and wine and classy salad and movies and like 17 rad outfits from Goodwill. Come on! So, that happened. The curse of the professor in the oughts-years is having to grade eleventy trillion papers on Harry Potter. Oh man I just deleted the most scathingly hilarious screed about Harry Potter! You would have hated it so much, because I know you all love Harry Potter, because I have been told this is many of your least favorite aspects of this blog--my hatred of Harry Potter! So I deleted the screed! Rest assured, it included the line "Grimblypoop the Bub-Bub man lived down in Dingly Dell." Oh no you DIDN'T It's funny because they all hate Twilight. But I find Twilight roughly eight hundred thousand times more interesting. Anyway, that's my whole deal. I have not done much aside from my job and having some houseguests. when I get back from the wedding I'm going to write some dumb pop ballads. I applied to five jobs and am doing a sixth tomorrow. Had breakfast with my cool dad; he gave me a book about magic and sorcery in the 16th century. "It seemed up your alley" he said. What a blessing to be known so well by one's parents. In other news, I made so many doctor's appointments! The drunken joy of having health insurance again! I'm gonna ask so many questions and not get any satisfying answers or else only bad news! HUZZAH! How much is Lasik? What's this weird bump on my leg? Am I entering menopause and if so what do I do? Is this a lump in my breast or is it just something weird? Do I have any dreadful lady diseases? Is this a cavity? Am I vitamin D deficient? Any advice for rehabbing a fucked up psoas muscle that's been injured for over a year? Lets do this, doc. If you need advice, don't forget to head on over to urbanhonking.com/advice and ask Yours Truly for some! I've got so much to give! I'm 88th in line for the DFW bio at the library. That will be a fun surprise treat when it finally arrives! I love getting in long library hold lines because you kind of forget about it and then suddenly one day you get an email that's like "BRING UP THE BODIES IS TOTALLY WAITING FOR YOU NOW, COME GET IT!" and you go "OH SHIT!" life is pretty fun smell you later