Goals

Recently opened up iCal on my laptop for the first time in a long time, and noticed my to-do list from nearly 3 years ago, still there in the sidebar.

In my advice letters I am always telling people to make lists–to do and otherwise–and I keep forgetting to mention that part of the pleasure of the list is that later you can return to it and be like “hey, I did all those things!” You remember how stressed out you were when you wrote each thing down, and now they are but dim memories of things you once had to do but must do no longer. I’m so glad I’m no longer scheduling my defense or filing my dissertation. “Find German friend,” even? Yes, I did that. I had her all along–it was Freddy!

One of the only non-insufferable aspects of the millions of journals I have kept and then recently threw in the garbage can was all the lists. I love flipping through and looking at them. Oh the grad school application to-do list! And before that, the rock opera to-do list, that was a really long one. That one was on my wall on a ripped-off piece of paper bag and when I checked the final box off I felt like I was goddamn superman. “Buy dead octopus” was on that list.

I think it’s so important not only to have goals, but to clearly articulate what those goals are and then what all the steps toward reaching the goals are. You don’t just put “make rock opera” on your list, you put “buy dead octopus” and “call guy with cherry picker” and “see when Fiona is free for filming” and “finish tracks” and etc. You write it all down and then every day you can pick which thing(s) you want to do that day. And then one day you realize you did it all and the goal is met. That’s one of the greatest feelings in the world.

Goals. What are my goals right now? I want to get a good job in a place I don’t mind living. This goal feels very out of reach right now, even though technically in another sense it’s already been met. Last night we ate pizza and talked more intensely about our careers than we ever have before and I became deeply depressed and full of self-loathing. I don’t often feel straight-up self-loathing so this was disturbing. Today I have the task of “reworking job materials so as not to be filled with self-loathing.” I think that goal might be too broadly stated.

I want to be a good scholar, not just a good teacher. I care about my work but I care SO MUCH about my teaching; I want them to become closer together. I want to understand how the two things are related in my mind, so that I can clearly articulate them in a job letter.

I want to get my book published.

I want to finish my novel.

I want to write another article.

I want to hear back about my last article.

I want to be less stressed out.

I want my injury to heal so I can do yoga again.

I want a pair of Dansko clogs.