Nicole and I saw Batman Begins tonight. Darker movie! It’s hard for me to watch Christian Bale on screen without humming Newsies songs, but I managed this time. I love superhero movies, and my favorites are always the Making of the Hero movies, the Seizing of the Sword if you are a Joseph Conrad enthusiast. I love the first Star Wars, the first Lord of the Rings, first Spiderman, first X-Men, et cetera. I love watching the hero turn his back on his calling, try and reenter his regular life, then realize his destiny is outside the ordinary. The first battle when he gets his ass kicked, the next battle when he has the knowledge of his greatness and is able to thwart his enemy. The one weakness in Batman Begins then is that Bruce Wayne never really seems conflicted about his destiny. I mean there are token moments, but he never really seems to struggle. A true hero has to give up something dear to him in order to inhabit his new identity. Spiderman and Superman had to sacrifice their great loves- Mary Jane and Lois Lane, respectively- in order to protect them and meet their own hero potential. What did Batman give up? The whole premise of this movie was that he had nothing to lose, and to me that’s not very interesting. It’s also disappointing because in other films Bruce Wayne seems like a really complicated man. Maybe Christian Bale should go back to hawking papers.
So I’ve decided to retire from the rebound circut. Kissing boys is fun, but the shine is starting to fade a little. I’m not ready for a real boyfriend yet, and the lover situation is trickier than it seems. Better maybe to lay low, focus on school (which starts tomorrow!) and stick to winking at record store boys from afar.
On a parallel track, Jake has been on my mind since he got in the van and headed North. Now that I don’t have a cloud of anger shrouding his memory, I am flooded with fondness and wist. (Which is to say I miss him.) I look forward to being his friend. Suzy asked me if I would ever take him back, now that he’s realized his wrongs and apologized. As long as he is in California I can’t even consider considering it. But it will be nice to have him in my life again. At breakfast we talked about my blog, and my issues of transparency vs privacy, and he voted for transparency. Which is fucking awesome (especially since he is now the only man I write about without a pseudonym). I mean, he has more reason than anyone to be uncomfortable with the personal nature of Perfect Heart, considering my most emo entries have been about him. But he knows my need for confession, knows that my best writing comes when I don’t censor myself, and he supports it. That makes me so happy.

Lou Reed had it when he sang, “I’ve been set free at last.”
Yesterday was Mega Trasition Day. My job ended, both at school and as a nanny. I bought my car. My cold/death infection peaked and then began to recede. And Jake came to town and owned up. Here’s how it went down:
We play phone tag all day, trying to plan a neutral way to meet. I get progressivly angrier as he uses phrases like, “grab a beer and say hi.” We make a plan, finally. I pick him up at Holocene, where the Dirty Projectors have just finished a sound check. I don’t let him hug me. We go to Nicolas’s for dinner. Neither of us can really eat, due to Extreme Nerves. We make small talk. I am seething about said small talk. I am convinced that he is only interested in a small talky friendship and want to strangle him. I make some remark about stupid small talk and start to cry. We pay the check and leave. We want to go for a walk but it is raining. Instead we sit in my car and I yell at him while I cry. He takes it. He listens and doesn’t flinch. He apologizes and is sincere. He apologizes some more. He clearly feels like an asshole. I begin to forgive him. My heart starts to feel lighter. He doesn’t think our relationship was some small thing! He knows he did me wrong! He is sorry! He is miserable! I rest my head on the steering wheel and tell him about my new movie idea that features the image of me with my head on the steering wheel. I tell him about my bike movie. We go to my house and watch my bike movie. I show him the new found photos in my collection. We sit on my bed. He tells me more. He tells me about his grieving process. It is the opposite of mine. I felt like I would die, and then I gradually felt better. He felt great, and then gradually felt worse. We talk about fun times we shared. We vilify Long Distance. We quote the Microphones, “This precious thing we’ve lost.” We agree that what we had was real. He says, “I loved you, Willow.” I say, “I loved you, too.” It is a sad and beautiful moment. And in that moment my burden is lifted.
After this catharsis I drive him to the show. We both feel so good. We make jokes. I force him to buy me a beer- “it’s the least you could do!” My heart is so light! I dance with Rachael and Rebecca to DJ Totally Cutie’s awesome jams. I bounce and slide. The Dirty Projectors- Jake’s bro’s band- plays, and they are transcendent. 9 musicians, amazing projections, synchronicity, gladness. The audience is blown away. I am blown away. The set ends. People are pumped up. Jake and I are starving. We sit in the hatch of my car and eat our leftover falafal. We make more jokes. Suzy later comments that we seemed to be having more fun then we did when we were together. Suzy and I go home. My heart is so light. I sleep so deeply.
It is morning. I am with Rachael at the coffee shop. We are going to meet the Dirty Projectors for breakfast any minute. My heart is so light.

Blogging without comments is very disconcerting. You know how when you close your eyes in public you feel like you are making funny faces? That’s how I feel without the comment section as a sounding board. I’m like a hot air balloon, just drifing into the void…
Last night I got the very alarming news that Lover Longstreth is in town with his brother’s band. I knew that Brother Longstreth was coming, but my understanding was that Jake was leaving the tour before the PDX stop. He emailed me and wants to get together before the show. I am all nerves, my friends! I have not seen or spoken to Mr. L. since our break-up in March, and I’ve been holding on to all of these hard feelings that I really want to release. I’m hoping that this meeting will allow me to let go, but I’m afraid that looking him in the eyes might just make the feelings stronger. To aid me through this process I’ve created a list of positive changes in my life that are a direct result of our break-up. ( I love lists.) I am going to try to focus on this stuff today as I inch toward this epic encounter.
1) Since the break up I have been waking up earlier. This is rooted in excruciating insomnia I experienced after he left. As soon as there was even a flutter of conciousness in Willow Dream Land I became fully awake. I’d be up at like, 6, 7am. Now the emo-ness has subsided, but I’m still up and about by 9 every morning, which is remarkable for a sleepyhead like me, especially since my work day doesn’t begin until noon.
2) I lost five pounds. (The ol’ heartbreak diet)
3) I learned that I am capable of being in a committed long-term relationship. In the past I have been a flighty lover, and I always worried that I would never be able to settle down. Now I know i have it in me.
4) I’ve been able to have more first kisses. I love love love first kisses.
5) I feel more relaxed since my relationship ended. The last few months together there was so much unspoken emotion that I was constantly on edge. I think I knew he’d stopped loving me, and it made me slightly hystarical. I feel much mellower now.
6) I have a clearer sense of what my relationship needs are. In retrospect I can see that some of my expectations were unreasonable, while others, that were completely reasonable were simply not being met. I think I have a good understanding now of what is fair to ask for.
7) My creative energy has swelled since he left. All of my feelings have gone into writing and filming, and I feel really proud of what I’ve made. Referencing number 5, the panic I felt vis a vis my relationship really inhibited my creative life. I felt paralyzed.
8) I finally feel truly rooted in Portland. Going back and forth the SF for all of those months made me feel like my life was literally in the air. Having every weekend open to hang out with friends and ride my bike, and just be alone in my own space has been wonderful.
9) Finally, in the months since the break up I’ve come to understand that Jake is not the man for me. Maybe it was stubborness and wishful thinking that prevented me from realizing this sooner. We couldn’t communicate with each other on a consistant, meaningful level. A relationship cannot sustain without this openess.
So there it is. All of the things I listed are true. I know that, in my head. I’m just ready for my heart to catch up.
Quasi has a song that goes:
“You only hurt the one love
That may be true
But better said
You only hurt
The one who loves you”
I wish I could enable my comments. I need a lot of love a pep talks today. Fuck.

My god, I am wiped out! This weekend was totally OTT (Over The Top)! After my exams on Saturday I spent hours dealing with ‘Comments,’ and waiting for James and his lady Sarah to arrive. They didn’t have a phone so I stayed close to home, barely even venturing upstairs lest I miss their arrival. Hours went by. Steve missed a call from James, and the message said they were a few blocks from my house. More hours went by. Then we learned they were downtown at a coffee shop. They had knocked on my door, but no one answered. Noooo!!! I was home!! I guess James has a soft knock, or maybe I was in the bathroom. I hate that “ships passing in the night” feeling! It turned out ok though. James finally got Steve on the phone and we all met up at Mike and Fiona’s apartment in NW. How happy were we to finally meet each other face to face? So, so happy. We all hugged James. Then we all hugged Sarah. I couldn’t stop clapping my hands. It was wonderful. After we had greeted each other and reviewed our miscommunications we decided to go to the Delta Cafe for dinner. The Delta serves Southern/Cajun food, but is surprisingly vegetarian friendly. Here is a photo of James and Sarah from there:

We went so deep on Ultimate Blogger gossip and strategy talk, it was extremely satsisfying.

Then we made a late night Voodoo Doughnuts run:James took the Voodoo Challenge, in which he attempted to eat a giant (GIANT) glazed doughnut in 1 min 20 sec. He made a valiant effort, but sadly the Ultimate Blogger is not also the Ultimate Devourer. He ate about half of it in time.

They slept at my house and Sunday morning was the brunch. Around 20 UrbanHonking dudes showed up bearing champagne, OJ, fruit salad, bundt cake, biscuits and Stumptown coffee. I made vegan huevos rancharos and for once there was exactly enough food.

James was presented with the Ultimate Blogger $500 Prize Package, and a certificate declaring him the UB (I signed as a witness). I was awarded a “Best Smile” shrinky-dink badge by the lovely Shayla. Then we subjected James to a Q & A session, where we learned that Lyova is actually Polish, among other things.
Here we see Zac and Rebecca basking in the Ultimate Glow.

After the brunch ended, Rachael and I went to see Mad Hot Ballroom. We both has splitting headaches from morning champagne consumption, and a cool theater called out to us. The movie was AMAZING, my friends. 10 year olds in NYC competing for a gigantic Ballroom Dance trophy. These kids are scrappy and smart and they can dance like the dickens. I still prefer Spellbound as a childhood competition film because you get to know the kids better (granted there were less kids featured in that movie). But it was still great. You get your dancing kids, but then there are awesome clips of them talking about their futures and their parents, and their dance partners. Oh, and interviews with their crtazy teachers who seem to have more invested in the contest than they do. See this movie. Okay?
When I got home I took a long nap. I have some sort of sinus infection that makes my lungs and head feel like a volcano. This earthly misery did not stop me from heading out again after dark. James had brought down a movie projector, and Mike arranged an outdoor movie party for us. We watched a Chinese puppet quest movie projected against a garage wall that is painted like a fancy movie screen. We lay on blankets on the grass and drank beer (I drank a vitamin concoction Shayla gave me for my illness). It was a great, mellow wrap-up to a long exciting weekend. James and Sarah left for Seattle this morning, and it was so sad to see them go.
Merit Badgers for life!

I have made the sad decision to retire my comment section for a while. I really love getting feedback on my entries and being able to have discussions there. Unfortunately this special area has been effectively hijacked by one persistant and obnoxious commenter. You all know who I mean. This might surprise some of you, but I don’t actually like being called an “emo fuckface” on my own blog. I’ve had a couple of email exchanges with this person, and I though we had come to an agreement on what is and is not an appropriate comment. This only seemed to fuel the fire, as did deleting his comments and ignoring them. So I’m closing up shop, at least for a while. My blog will be moving to UrbanHonking soon, and hopefully by then this will have blown over. Sorry, friends.
I’ll write about the blogging brunch party tomorrow. It was lovely.

My exams are over, and astonishingly I think I might have passed them! I woke at 6 this morning, hoping to have a quiet tea at the Fresh Pot before reporting to the testing center at 7:30. Alas, when I arrived at the coffee shop at half past six, they were closed. Michael was nice enough to give me tea anyway, but it had to be to go. I met Dusty in the parking lot of the test place. He was taking a different exam, but it was nice to have a buddy to commiserate with me and help me find my classroom. The first section was two hours long, and it was multiple choice. The test is the Multiple Subject Assessment Test (MSAT), which means that they can basically ask you any question on any topic. I answered questions about tides, modern dance, the economics of slavery, past-particibles, Piaget’s theory of child development, volume (in the mathematical sense), and European Industrialization, among many other subjects. I am a good test taker, thank god, and I’m not prone to test anxiety (despite my weird test dreams last week). If I was squeamish about testing I would have been totally fucked and overwhelmed. How do you study for a general knowledge test? The answer is you can’t.
We got a 30 minute break between test sections. I ate a yogurt and Dusty had half a muffin. We were already pretty fried, and the worst was still coming. The second section of both of our tests were essays. I had to write 18 short essays in 3 hours. The questions were really specific and weird. The one I had the most trouble with involved an obscure quote by President Madison about pride and ambition. We had to reference the quote to some principle of government, and then state two ways in which that principle was in play today, citing examples and relating back to the random quote. Oh, okay! Bleh. Luckily the math and science questions weren’t as bad as I’d anticipated and I was able to answer most of the questions confidently. By the end of the test my left hand was all cramped and shriveled from so much writing, but at least it’s over! Yay! Dusty and I went to Ye Olde Spaghetti Factory to celebrate. Mmmm, free spumoni ice cream…
The rest of my day has been spent waiting for James, dealing with my comment section, and preparing for the brunch. My house is clean, my fridge is stocked, and I’m ready to party! I really hope the vibe is mellow tomorrow, and that everyone likes my cooking. I also hope Josh comes through with the coffee, as I only have enough for one pot.
Hasn’t this entry been incredibly, incredibly interesting? There is no read more envigorating than standardized test descriptions. Wow!

Here are my Top 5 NPR shows:
1) This American Life (of course)
2) Writer’s Almanac (love me some Garrison Keeler reading poetry)
3) Fresh Air (Terry Gross has a sexy voice)
4) Science Friday (Ira Plato tells me about the expansion of the universe)
5) The Leonard Lopate Show (an NYC cultural and current event discussion show. Lopate is a GENIUS!)
If this were a Top 6 list I woud add Performance Today with Fred Child. I’m not a huge classical music fan, but Child is SO enthusiastic about the concerts he airs that it’s contagious.
So last night I went to Jah’s show at a little clothing store in my neighborhood. I brought along my grand jury: both roommates and my friend Katie (Shannon showed up later.) We bought beer at the co-op on the corner and joined the small crowd in the vintage/DIY haven. This is my favorite kind of show- small, intimate, in an unusual location. I used to love to see Calvin play at movie theaters and college rec rooms. The store was painted this deep reddy orange that made the vibe even mellower. Jah is expirimenting with this “everybody is in the band” idea, which means he played guitar alongside a stand-up bass, a trombone, a small drum kit, a slide guitar, and another clicky percussion instrument that was new to me. The concept is that everyone who shows up with an instrument can be in his band for the night. Little Wings and the Microphones also play around with this premise from time to time and I LOVE IT. Even when the sounds are incongruous (sp?) the energy created by so many people listening so closely to each other is incredible. I also love it when musicians have the audience sing or clap a part. The Microphones have this song where the audience repeats the phrase, “I send them off,” over and over while Phil declares that he is through with touching hands and hearts. It honestly feels magical to have the whole room singing in unison, everyone completely together in the moment. Anyway, that was how it felt last night. Big band, small space. Clapping parts for the audience. And Jah’s songs are just so good. This was the first time I had seen him perform (aside from karaoke) and it was amazing. His lyrics are so good, and the arrangements are minimal and true. Clapping my hands, nursing my Red Stripe, I was melting.
The second band was an acappela duet- a boy and a girl. They sang the cutest songs in sweet harmony accompanied only buy taps, snaps and claps. The whole experience made me giggley and glad. My ladies, in varying stages of intoxication giggled with me and took lots of photos and tiny movies. Steve was there and I couldn’t stop giving him hugs. I love that man! Anyway, I was totally crushed out, and Suzy kept advising me. “Offer Jah a beer!” “Tell him he should come over later.” I took her advice, and hours later, back at home, just when I had resigned myself to the fact that he wasn’t coming after all, and Katie and I had fallen asleep on the sofa, there was a light knock at the door. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination, though I will say that it’s been a very long time since I’ve been touched by such confident, competent hands. Hot Damn.
He is a drifter though, and I have no reason to think that I will know him in this context again. He seemed concerned that I might expect more of him, and I found it impossible to express that I would be happier to be his lover than his partner. Even after my Feminist Enlightenment I still get shy when discussing these sorts of things with boys. Dear God, this post is getting deep.
On a different note, I’m nervous about brunch on Sunday. I don’t know a lot of the guests very well, but if they’ve been reading my blog (which I know some of them have) then they know me really well. It’s weird. They have read my embarassing stories and emo ramblings and I don’t even know what some of them look like. Cyber/Real World collisions are crazy. I wonder what it’s going to be like…

Here is a link to the movie I made for the One Minute Film Fest that Telegraph Arts is sponsering on June 18th at Holocene:
Willow’s bike movie.
My friend Guy helped me with filming and editing, and Adam Forkner did the music.
My next couple of weeks are going to be crazy. Check it out:
*Tonight: Jah plays a show while I make eyes at him.
*Tomorrow night: Built to Spill (!)
*Saturday: I wake up at the crack of dawn to take a teaching licenture exam at 7:30 AM!! I am already having anxiety dreams.
*Saturday afternoon: James, The Ultimate Blogger, arrives in Portland to much fanfare and excitement.
*Sunday: I host brunch for James and many of his devoted fans.
*Monday: Field Day at school.
*Tuesday: My last day of work/ Dirty Projectors show.
*Wednesday: Get fingerprinted.
*Friday: Grad School Orientation.
*Saturday: One Minute Film Fest.
*Monday: First day of Grad School classes!
Dear God. How will I ever find time for flirting and blogging with a schedule like this?!

Will some nice lady please tell me what toner does? I know it helps absorb moisurizer, but is moisurizer absorbtion really a big enough issue that it needs support staff? I just bought some lovely Zia toner, and it feels real nice to spritz it on my face, but What Does it Do? Does it tighten your pores? That is the job I would like it to do. Another pore question: are clogged pores the same as blackheads? Also, do you think using St Ives Apricot Scrub on my face every day for the last zillion years is good or bad for my pores? I know it unclogs them, but does it tighten? And should I be using a moisurizer with SPF? I mean, I know I should, but is there one that doesn’t feel all greasy? Oh! And I’ve become slightly paranoid about my lady-stache. Can I take care of it at home? What do I use? Nair? Wax? With wax do I need a microwave? At 25 do you think it’s time for me to start shaving my legs? Is it weird that I can no longer wear high heels without my lower back hurting for three days afterwards? Should I get a retainer to deal with my overbite? I am a tongue thruster, like Ritchey, and my overbite is getting worse.
Ladies (and gentlemen, if any of you read past the first sentance of this entry), I am getting older. I never thought it would happen to me. What do I do?

This is a photo of me partying with US Congressman Dennis Kucinich. That’s right. You heard me. Willow Wonder was PARTYING with KUCINICH! My friend Activist Amy somehow roped Ethan, Ryan and Adam P. into hosting a potluck for the Rural Organizing Project, and Congressman Kucinich was the guest of honor. He gave an amazing speech about peace activism. He said that we Americans have resigned ourselves to the inevitibility of war, when really we should think of peace as the inevitable goal of civilization. We should look to our global neighbors with love and open hearts. We should learn to be compassionate listeners. We should try to see past partisan labels- blue/red, liberal/conservative- and look at one another through the lens of our common humanity. In this way we can begin an honest discourse about the issues most dear to our society and our planet.
Wow. Can you imagine our president speaking like this? Bush addressing the country with phrases like, “compassion,” and “open-hearts?” Can you see him encouraging his citizens to put down our swords and shields and just listen to each other? Sigh. Me neither. That’s why I’m so moony over Kucinich. He shook my hand, looked into my eyes, and gave me his full, loving attention while I stammered, “Welcome to Portland, sir!” As I walked to my car later, he called out to me, “Keep on smiling!” What a guy.
Now back to my usual gossipy self-absorbtion!
I’ve decided to go ahead and give my fellas pseudonyms. Most of the commenters supported this choice, and deep in my heart I know that it is the fair thing to do. Now, there may be a period of adjustment for us all. This is natural. The movement from transparency to disguise is jerky. Here is a players key to get us started:
Moose: Moose is the anonymous commenter who pleaded so eloquently yesterday for his name to be spared from blog scrutiny. He lives in the South, but is coming to visit this summer, and may possibly move here in the winter. We’ve been friends since 1999, when we worked together in the Colorado Rockies. Over the years we’ve shared a torch, a flicker, or sometimes a flame for one another, but the timing has never been quite right. (Aside from a romantic drive from Montana to Portland in 2002.) He calls me Buck. There is some funny moose story about him that I no longer remember, but I’ve chosen this for his moniker nonetheless.
Pablo: A painter/barista in town who I smooch occasionally. I’ve named him Pablo after the painter, of course, but also because the first three letters- pab- are also the the beginning of Pabst Blue Ribbon which he seems to drink in large quantities.
Jah: This is the man I had a breakfast date with this morning. I thought of calling him Rainer, because of the poem he wrote for me after our first, uh, encounter, but he’s not emo enough for that title. He’s got a pretty reggae outlook on things, so Jah seems to suit him. He is a musician and something of a drifter. I’ll write more about our date in a minute.
So there you go. If you have any questions about my new system, let me know. Now that they are suitably disguised, I promise never to reveal their true identities (in my blog anyway), even if they turn out to be super-jerks. So hopefully everyone feels reassured and respected, and now I can return to my Kiss and Tell formula with a clear conscience.
Which brings me to today’s date. Jah was half an hour late, and I was starting to think I’d been stood up when he finally stepped through my door bearing cherries, grapes and a melon. I made potatoes, (a terrible) tofu scramble and coffee. I became unexpectedly shy in his presence, which I guess means I like him more than I realized. We listened to his new EP, talked about compost, and looked at Monster Cards (I can’t explain because I don’t quite understand, but they are AWESOME!) There was no kissing, but we stood very close together, face to face in my kitchen just before we said goodbye, and shared a moment that was fluttery and warm. I’m going to see him play on Thursday night, but I think he’ll be in show mode as opposed to kissy mode, and that’s okay. Wow. I think I have a little crush. I wonder if he thinks I’m boring because I was sort of quiet all morning- not my usual sassy first-date self. Oh man. This is so fun.