into the great wide open

Blogging without comments is very disconcerting. You know how when you close your eyes in public you feel like you are making funny faces? That’s how I feel without the comment section as a sounding board. I’m like a hot air balloon, just drifing into the void…
Last night I got the very alarming news that Lover Longstreth is in town with his brother’s band. I knew that Brother Longstreth was coming, but my understanding was that Jake was leaving the tour before the PDX stop. He emailed me and wants to get together before the show. I am all nerves, my friends! I have not seen or spoken to Mr. L. since our break-up in March, and I’ve been holding on to all of these hard feelings that I really want to release. I’m hoping that this meeting will allow me to let go, but I’m afraid that looking him in the eyes might just make the feelings stronger. To aid me through this process I’ve created a list of positive changes in my life that are a direct result of our break-up. ( I love lists.) I am going to try to focus on this stuff today as I inch toward this epic encounter.
1) Since the break up I have been waking up earlier. This is rooted in excruciating insomnia I experienced after he left. As soon as there was even a flutter of conciousness in Willow Dream Land I became fully awake. I’d be up at like, 6, 7am. Now the emo-ness has subsided, but I’m still up and about by 9 every morning, which is remarkable for a sleepyhead like me, especially since my work day doesn’t begin until noon.
2) I lost five pounds. (The ol’ heartbreak diet)
3) I learned that I am capable of being in a committed long-term relationship. In the past I have been a flighty lover, and I always worried that I would never be able to settle down. Now I know i have it in me.
4) I’ve been able to have more first kisses. I love love love first kisses.
5) I feel more relaxed since my relationship ended. The last few months together there was so much unspoken emotion that I was constantly on edge. I think I knew he’d stopped loving me, and it made me slightly hystarical. I feel much mellower now.
6) I have a clearer sense of what my relationship needs are. In retrospect I can see that some of my expectations were unreasonable, while others, that were completely reasonable were simply not being met. I think I have a good understanding now of what is fair to ask for.
7) My creative energy has swelled since he left. All of my feelings have gone into writing and filming, and I feel really proud of what I’ve made. Referencing number 5, the panic I felt vis a vis my relationship really inhibited my creative life. I felt paralyzed.
8) I finally feel truly rooted in Portland. Going back and forth the SF for all of those months made me feel like my life was literally in the air. Having every weekend open to hang out with friends and ride my bike, and just be alone in my own space has been wonderful.
9) Finally, in the months since the break up I’ve come to understand that Jake is not the man for me. Maybe it was stubborness and wishful thinking that prevented me from realizing this sooner. We couldn’t communicate with each other on a consistant, meaningful level. A relationship cannot sustain without this openess.
So there it is. All of the things I listed are true. I know that, in my head. I’m just ready for my heart to catch up.
Quasi has a song that goes:
“You only hurt the one love
That may be true
But better said
You only hurt
The one who loves you”
I wish I could enable my comments. I need a lot of love a pep talks today. Fuck.