New England Traditions

As our ancestors stored nuts and berries in tunnels underneath the ground to prepare for winter, so do we modern humans order many “upcycled” wool products off etsy as we feel the weather changing. I think I am almost ready for winter, although I still need to put a new lining in my pea coat, which will cost $100 and be a huge pain and I have now put it off almost too late I think. The good news is I still have the enormous knee-length all-wool hooded J.Crew coat I somehow found at Goodwill for $10 and lived in all winter in Iowa and which, while less fashionable than my pea coat, is much more warm. Yesterday I won an ebay auction for a pair of classic Sorel boots; I bought some truly zany mittens made of recycled sweaters from an old lady on etsy, and today I will get out and wash all my hats, scarves, and long underwear. In the immortal words of every character from Game of Thrones including a couple of ravens as I recall, winter is coming.

One of my students informed me that a goose had gotten on his bus that morning. In New England, this is the surest sign that winter is on its way.

Other New England traditions I am excited to take part in as the season changes:
– annual pumpkin-hurling contest
– the bi-monthly traditional pie pageant, where every unmarried woman over the age of 21 dresses as her best pie and is judged by a council of elders
– warding off the evil eye by burning a page from the Torah every fortnight
– hiring a chimney sweep
– paying the chimney sweep with a cup of hot spiced wine
– end-of-summer dance in town hall at the end of which a small goat is sacrificed to Thor
– “Who Can Make The Best Pumpkin Lasagna”
– witch hunt to insure a good harvest
– tradition where before you bake the first loaf of winter you cleanse the oven with a eucharist wafer and a bay leaf dipped in holy water while chanting “BABY JESUS DIED”
– “leading a horse into a pit”
– annual thrashing back of the thornbushes
– solstice rattlesnake hunt with rattlesnake hot dog judging contest in the town square afterward
– ceremonial scarecrow ritual where one boy-child under the age of four is volunteered by his parents to be placed in a rattan cage and dangled over smoky coals until the God of Death is appeased for one more winter
– puppy costume contest
– “Who Can Eat The Most Raw Pumpkins In One Sitting”
– Annual Autumn Carnival with Real Abbatoir: the lone survivor is declared Mayor
– Blessing ritual wherein the new Mayor is covered in vaseline and rolled in straw
– Breaking up the winter doldrums by loading a bunch of witches into a sack and throwing them into the old mill pond
– cleaning the old mill pond and disposing of witch-bones
– Weekly market where townspeople trade the fruits of their winter in-home labors, such as small beads made of animal dung, and bags full of unraveled sweaters
– smoking fish over a woodfire and then throwing the fish in the face of an unmarried female neighbor
– Annual tradition where local men of marrying age chase all the unmarried women over a cliff
– Tradition where a jar of pennies is placed on the mantel, and the first person to say “it’s too fucking cold” has to eat the pennies
– If your winter-child is born sideways you have to give it as a slave to the Mayor’s wife
– First person to find and capture a wild hog is given the hog, a bag of potatoes, and the oldest unmarried woman in town
– Solstice Carrot Hunt: find all the carrots and throw them into the sea
– Shave a Miami Dolphins logo into the right flank of your best milker; this will keep away vampires
– Each night father reads to the family from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance; first child to fall asleep is whipped
– Town fair with whale judging contest
– BYOB roller skating night at the quonset hut with local DJs
– All you can eat duck quesadillas to benefit the volunteer fire department
– “Casino Night” where townspeople dress as grifters and commit violence in the streets
– If you get an abortion from a witch you have to run ten times around the old mill pond in just your underwear and then the Mayor raises you as his daughter
– trying to rob the bank; whoever succeeds is hung by the neck until he is dead
– dress a duck up as your favorite superhero, then kill it, rip out all its feathers, and eat it
– “Debate Night” in town hall where local folk debate the issues of the day, such as building a wall around the town to keep out spirits
– hot toddies

One of the things on that list is real! (besides hot toddies). Can you guess which one we are legitimately going to do?

Other real things I will do as autumn turns to deathly winter:
re-read House of Leaves
on Halloween night we will eat Doritos and watch Mario Bava films
That’s Pretty Much It