Lists

Alone next year, I will:
-get better at guitar
-stay up later
-practice the quiet art of tea-drinking more often
-draw pictures of dinosaurs
-take breakdancing lessons
-spend an inordinate amount of time with my “hands-free” cyborg earpiece socked into my ear
-probably cry more often, but not a depressing amount
-Have “Ladies Nights” wherein crafts are made and “Pride and Prejudice” is watched
-see if I can remember how to read academic texts
-try not to get yelled at by scary professors

Get rid of:
-desk
-chairs?
-clothes
-random crap
-mattress that is full of horrible mildew

Give to m’lady (my boyfriend):
-blankets
-Seasons 1-3 of Mr. Show
-touching mementos of our love

Make Sure I:
-have health insurance covered until September
-register my car again
-print out airplane tickets for David’s wedding
-finish my brother’s scarf
-go to doctor’s appointment
-get cavities (?) checked eventually (find out if dentist was lying)
-forward mail (to where?)
-cancel Netflix (decide if it’s worth the wasted money for 3 months just so I can keep my giant queue…answer is probably ‘yes’)

Already taken care of:
-new weird sunglasses

Today:
-banana bread

Tomorrow:
-try not to quit my job
-write Ultimate Boner entry

Tuesday:
-pack

Wednesday:
-unpack because I accidentally packed something I need (like the George Foreman grill)

Thursday:
-write ultimate boner entry
-strategy for ultimate boner (if i am still in the game) because i will not be here saturday

Friday:
-go camping with old college friends and Beardo: sit in the hot tub for 3 hours

Saturday:
-same

Sunday:
-I hate Sunday

The Following Week:
-clean desk at work
-order everything new girl will need
-train new girl
-finish packing
-reserve U-Haul trailer
-finalize “is it okay to leave my stuff at your house for 3 months” plan

Friday:
-go to work wearing “Jams”
-tell new girl “I’ll be in the supply room if you need me”
-stay in supply room listening to i-pod for duration of workday

Friday night:
-“you finished your job” massage
-expensive dinner that I may or may not pay for
-giddy, almost frightening euphoria coupled with crippling anxiety and sadness

The Next Week:
-home to the bears and the wind and my parents’ “grandson,” who is a nice male grouse that comes to their house every night looking for love
-summer vacation with Mr. Gary (our last time together before The Cataclysm)
-hikes
-gondola rides (not the boat kind)
-barbecues
-coronas on the porch with my family
-introducing Sir Beardsalot to the extended tribe
-Morgan, Gabe(?), ?
-Nat’s band playing the Bluegrass Festival (!!!)
-learn all the music theory you have been putting off for the last 4 months, plus more
-make timeline of every important moment in music history starting with Pythagoras, who invented that thing after seeing that blacksmith do something

Two Months After That:
-small tour to support my thus-far fictitious solo album
-time draws ever more nigh to The Cataclysm
-Portland: get opera from Reed (somehow?), see Whiskers and Grunty
-back to Los Angeles:
-drive my beloved Beard Man to the airport
-cry in airport
-drive back to wherever I am staying while crying
-get lost on the way
-get “carjacked”
-get kidnapped
-get brainwashed by Scientologists
-have to drop out of grad school because I “no longer believe in the tyranny of dominant seventh chords”
-move to Corn, Iowa
-teach “Homemaking 101” at the Corn Bible Academy for the next 19 years
-die of a heart attack from eating too much genetically modified corn