My friends, there are certain things that occur in one’s life that let one know that everything is A-OK.
For me, this thing occured today when our supplies were delivered.
Let me backtrack: yesterday, I thought to myself “hmm. We really need some new file labels and some more copy paper.” My memory about this was sparked when I received a Quill catalogue in the mail. “I’ll just look in this handy catalogue,” I thought, “and place my order TODAY!”
Well. The first thing I saw when I opened the catalogue was: “order 2 boxes of file labels and receive a Bath and Body Works gift bag with charming leatherette handles!” Well well well. I’ll just check and see if–oh yes! the labels I need ARE available in this deal! CHECK!
Next up was the paper. I turned to the paper section, only to see the following words, which lifted from the page and seared into my brain like beautiful gilded words from God:
“order two cartons of copy paper and receive a free George Foreman Grill.”
Now. If there is anything you know about me, it is probably the fact that I have wanted a George Foreman Grill for about 6 years. Somehow I have never actually made the purchase, but every time I think about it, or see one (such as at the Frank Family Jewish Christmas I was lucky enough to attend this year), I covet it so desperately that I am surprised I have not driven to Target already and bought one. It seems that the Universe was making me wait for just such an opportunity as this.
I ordered the copy paper. There must be a catch!
My friends. It arrived today.
“Here’s your supplies, and HERE’S your Foreman Grill!” said the delivery boy.
Sweet Christ! Oh, George Foreman, I saw you fight that German guy and you just laid on him the whole time and let him whack you because you’re just a TANK, George Foreman! I saw you fight Muhammad Ali with that afro! The Rumble in the Jungle! I saw you on tv after a fight and you said, “NOW I’M GONNA GET ME SOME RICE AND SOME GRAVY,” and I thought that was an amazing thing for you to say at that moment, as you had just been handed some amazing championship. Oh, George Foreman! all your kids are named George or Georgette, and you totally got your ass beat in Africa by the greatest boxer of all time! You weigh like 600 pounds! I love you so much! Thank you for sending me this wonderful grill so I can FINALLY MAKE MY GODDAMN MARINATED TOFU KEBABS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
please blog extensively on usage of said grill. mine has been used once in two years. not even by me.
j’accuse! Being nobody, (and obviously suffering entitle-itus) I have to say: I don’t buy it. I think what you actually thought yesterday was something like “we need more paperclips, and hanging file folders, and carbons for the mimeograph” (oops did I just date myself? well somebody’s got to, god damn it!) or something, then when, as you said ‘your memory was flashed’, that was as much a write process as a read process. Can you prove that’s exactly what you thought yesterday? Of course not. Can you recollect for sure wether you ‘remembered’ needing those exact two products upon, as you state, seeing the outside of the catalogue?, or was the memory spark AFTER flipping through and seeing those two sweet deals? I mean, COME ON. Its too much. WAY too much. Am I wrong on that part at least? Not to be a stickler [I’ve noticed that often when I say “not to (blah blah)” it actually means “TO (blah blah).” Is it like that when everybody uses that idiom, or just me?] but this strikes me not as an “everything is A~OK” but more like “everything is AAA+++ ~ SOOOO EXCELLENT!!!”. I mean, I’m happy for you, I really am. Jealous, even. (obviously.) But I believe in facts, madame, and it is only for that reason I type down this gauntlet. I mean, if you’re sure, you’re sure. Are you sure? Oh, and to repay the universe for your bonus prize (no such thing as a free lunch and all that) you should perhaps include pictures when you blog about grilling? Not to make “having to” use the grill into a weird pressured production, (shit, did I just do that thing again? I totally mean “not to” this time, honest!) just, you know, share the love. thanks.
FOREMAN GRILL GOOGLE ADS!!!