Pros and Cons

Pro: I love autumn
Con: I have seasonal menopausal symptoms
Pro: I got medication for these symptoms
Con: The medication doesn’t totally alleviate these symptoms
Pro: There are worse things than seasonal menopausal symptoms, for example constant menopausal symptoms, or having to flee your homeland only to face racist violence abroad
Con: Racist violence abroad
Pro: Soon all humans will be dead anyway
Con: We will be taking a lot of nice animals with us
Pro: I have a nice animal I live with
Con: His mouth smells like dead fish
Pro: He is very dainty and doesn’t enjoy rolling in dead animals as other dogs do
Con: He is so dainty he is a little princess who cries when anything mildly unusual happens
Pro: He barks at intruders
Con: He barks at everyone who comes inside the house
Pro: His bark is very handsome
Con: During a wrasslin’ session he bit my husband on the forehead and left a big bruise
Pro: Bruises usually heal
Con: Bruises can be unsightly
Pro: My husband’s long flowing silver hair covers the bruise
Con: My husband’s long flowing silver hair covers literally every surface of our house no matter what I do or how much he brushes and grooms himself
Pro: My husband is the one who does the vacuuming
Con: The dog is afraid of the vacuum
Pro: The dog can go to hell
Con: There is no hell
Pro: There is no hell
Con: My computer died at the very instant the Tristan chord was finally going to resolve to the tonic and all my students screamed
Pro: This ended up actually being the ideal teaching tool
Con: Everyone felt sick
Pro: That is how you should feel when listening to Wagner
Con: Wagner was an awful human being
Pro: He has been dead a long time
Con: His music lives on
Pro: His music lives on
Con: Music will die along with humanity
Pro: No one will ever hear Mumford and Sons again
Con: There is no hell, so Mumford and Sons can’t go there
Pro: This coffee shop never plays Mumford and Sons
Con: They play “old blues” playlists which means sometimes “Strange Fruit” is playing like it’s normal background music, and I get sick to my stomach
Pro: They also don’t realize that due to putting on this playlist they are also often playing EXTREMELY SEXUALLY EXPLICIT songs, such as “Warm my Weiner” and “Your Biscuits Are Big Enough For Me” by Bo Carter
Con: I don’t understand how to spell “wiener”
Pro: “Wiener” is a funny-looking word whichever way you spell it
Con: I forgot to go to the community spelling bee last week
Pro: The community spelling bee would have been very stressful
Con: I am stressed all the time
Pro: So is everyone else
Con: Everyone is stressed all the time
Pro: Soon everyone will be dead
Con: When a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to be stressed out about it, did it really happen?
Pro: Our apple tree is amazing and beautiful
Con: Our apple tree is way too big and we need to hire an arborist to deal with it without killing it
Pro: We get to hire an arborist, something I surely never imagined myself doing
Con: It will probably cost a million dollars
Pro: I make big bucks as a fancy fat-cat professor
Con: That was a joke
Pro: Jokes make life worth living
Con: Not everyone likes my jokes
Pro: All the people who don’t like my jokes will be dead soon
Con: I will also be dead soon
Pro: I will be in heaven with the angels
Con: That was also a joke
Pro: “You gotta laugh”
Con: “Laugh while your heart is breaking”
Pro: Women rarely have heart attacks
Con: Women have crippling menopausal symptoms that are often difficult to medicate or alleviate with lifestyle changes