History!

You guys are great. I had forgotten some of that shit. Snoopy running with the leaf over his face!!! That was truly a great day. Also I am touched by how many of you remember Bird so fondly. I think about Bird a lot. In fact sometimes I call the snoopy “Bird” or “Birdie” and then get sad. I really wonder what happened to Bird. He was a good friend to me when I needed one bad. Remember how much he loved the space heater? But specifically sitting elegantly on top of it. What a nerd.

I also can’t believe I forgot the story about the rich people bulldozing the mansion. That’s a real story that happened to friends of mine (my friends were the punk kids, not the rich people, thank god)! Definitely republishing that one. And arm wound, and some stuff about my weird childhood, and a funny one about falling down in front of my whole town. Also the one about that insane job I had at the cell phone call center. And I basically kept the entries from moving away from Iowa to the present largely unchanged except for deleting most of the real shitty ones.

It’s fun going back through all these. Most of them are crap but then there are some that make me laugh. Also I notice interesting things, like the fact that as early as 2003 I was already obsessed with the French Revolution. I don’t remember that at all, I thought that interest emerged due to certain courses I took in grad school. It’s crazy how our souls lead us to who we truly are.

I found some hilarious political rants, too, which I will not republish, and that one about my fantasy of falling out of an airplane and landing in a pool in the middle of someone’s garden party and then the camcorder zooms in on me and I give a double thumbs up and yell “I FELL OUT OF A FUCKING AIRPLANE” and then I sell that footage to a Budweiser commercial and then I buy my own damn airplane. That is still a pretty good fantasy, I’d be fine if this actually happened.

Republished a very good entry about how good bread is. And that one about “history of ideas on women.” Discovered that for a couple of years I referred weirdly often to the “cat-o-nine tails” torture implement. Republished a couple random ones just because they made me smile, like the one about Aki getting her cat when she came upon a crow trying to eat the cat and scared it away and took the cat home. An entry after GWB got re-elected in which I tell Gary that “we must find foreigners to marry us.”

Other stuff I had forgotten. When my friend went on a date with Michael Showalter and I was so furious!!!!! Also remember when I had that crazy shitting disease for like a month and had to go to the homeless clinic? Sample entry: “You haven’t lived until you’ve taken a dump into a Salvation Army shopping bag and then used a plastic spoon to scoop bits of it into several brightly colored plastic vials that you will then deliver to the doctor, who will examine them for ‘eggs and worms.'”

And various prawns jokes written solely for Adam. Lots of New Yorker jams. A review of The Star Wars Holiday Special. And that time I got the free George Foreman grill.

Titles I Have Apparently Used More Than Three Times:
– “Thinking of you is like a mouth full of sores”
– “And then the baby looked at me”
– “Thaddeus Garfield Ignatius Friday”
– “MICRO BLAST”
– “Jacob Have I Loved”
– “Soon Enough I’ll Be Dead And You’ll Be King”

So feel free to go back and explore those, if ever you wish. I feel great about this culling, thanks for helping me guys. Also remember Drunk Kid in the House?

Also, yes, I did once have a boss who gave me an iPod in a paper sack! I had been talking about how I’d never buy myself an iPod even though I wanted one so bad. It turned out my boss loved me! And wanted me to be happy. That was a great job. Also one of you said you like all the lists, well check this one out, I just found it, what does it mean? I don’t even remember!:

old lady said i had pretty hair
publishing a book
last day of work
dreams about money
i hate squash
i love john mccain
insecurities about myself/audrey hepburn – last night’s emo issues
“llama sticking his head out of a schoolbus window”
most beautiful state: utah
most fucked up state: utah

“I love john mccain”???????? What on earth