And That Monkey Was…………MY UNCLE

It would seem in fact that I am doomed. DOOMED! To live in a home where other people’s disgusting sink/laundry/shower/(toilet??) water comes up through the pipes in my bathroom and fills up the sink, eventually pouring out onto the floor. While the pouring out on the floor never happened in my old house, I did sometimes find other people’s freezing cold laundry water climbing suddenly up my shins while showering. That is, to say the least, not pleasant. However, I’d take it over this latest development any day. My bathroom is now covered with the tidal garbage of the insides of god-knows-what-kind of pipes. The water did flow thickly from my sink and onto the ground and all over my hair product (singular), and when that water receded it did leave moraines of black chunks that smelled dank and metallic like a fetid mossy lake. And now I haven’t used the bathroom for 2 days, except to pee while averting mine eyes from the carnage. The plumber can not come until tomorrow. And that’s life in the middle class!

Can someone please tell me what “The Hills” is? I think I just watched two episodes of it. Is it about a stupid rich girl named “Lauren” who hangs out with insufferable assholes and makes bad decisions? I think I have read about it somewhere. But I had no idea what it actually was. I’m pretty sure that’s what I just watched. I felt like I was about 80 years old. Who are these awful people, and are they supposed to be attractive? They all look like pekingese dogs. Like the kind of people who would have really bad breath. Terrifying, razor-thin bleached-out hair, and California accents so deep they are at times impossible to understand, like the Texan Pentecostals who dance with the serpents and need subtitles on the Discovery channel documentary about their weird religious beliefs. Why in god’s name is this what we want to see on television? The Hills, not the Pentecostals. I actually enjoyed that documentary quite a lot.

Then again, the previous night I had spent an hour of my life I’ll never get back watching Forrest Gump on the history channel. Yes, that’s the sweet truth of it. The history channel.

Because, you know. President Kennedy’s in it and stuff.

Uuuughhhhhhh I get the heebie-jeebies when I watch stuff like “the Hills.” I miss the good old days, when you had normal-looking people like Shannen Doherty trying to commit suicide by hanging themselves in the theater department, or skinny old Jenny Garth getting kidnapped by that homeless girl. Those were the days. Nat down at the Peach Pit asking about your Algebra homework. Hair so gelled it looked shellacked, and plot-lines about getting a miscarriage right before you had to decide whether or not to get an abortion. Or even, you know, “I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so………..scared.”

Why do we want to see vapid rich people talking about their problems on television? It’s very interesting. The cultural phenomenon, I mean, not the problems. The problems are not interesting. Oh no, some idiot won’t french me. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK!!!!!

I also watched an episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio with Johnny Depp. It was as rewarding as you might have expected. “The most……..OUTSIDER……….Johnny Depp has………….EVER played…was……………Edward………….SCISSORHANDS” (wild applause).

Then suddenly he’s talking about the “impassivity” of Depp’s characters and how it hearkens back to the silent era. Depp took this as a compliment, and it seemed that no one had ever seen so deeply into his soul as had James Lipton at that moment. “WHO DARES QUESTION RYAN DORN?”

After my three nights of television, my verdict is: LAME. It would be different if we had HBO, but we don’t. So if the Office isn’t on, then it’s just Frasier. And I don’t like Frasier as much as I did when I was 17. Plus, everyone always thought I was weird because I thought Niles was hot. Another verdict!–STILL DO!

Lessons TV taught me:

1. non-HBO tv is really depressing except for The Office
2. TV feels pretty similar to the last time I watched it, which was six years ago. I primarily remember the NKOTB E! True Hollywood story and the Discovery Channel documentary about ghost hunters that was so cheezy and poorly done but which scared the absolute shit out of me and Jona
3. Johnny Depp actually looks a lot like Forkner, which I had never noticed until I saw Depp with his long-ass ‘fro and facial hair just now
4. It’s not fun to watch a movie on TV because it gets interrupted with diaper commercials, which makes me remember how weird it must have been to watch Twin Peaks on actual television instead of on DVD like a normal person
5. 90% of commercials on TV are for penis pills. The other 10% are for pills to make you stop shitting blood
6. that one Seinfeld where George has a crush on Elaine!
7. The commercial where the guy calls the Wachovia banker at home on Christmas Eve and gets her to drive to the bank and open the safe deposit box where his son’s passport is seems kind of weird. Why is the passport in the safe deposit box? How does he have his banker’s home phone number? If I bank with Wachovia, will I get MY banker’s home phone number? Are the bankers even ALLOWED to go into the bank after hours on a holiday with some random family that for some reason keeps their son’s passport in a safe deposit box? And why would anyone want to WORK at Wachovia, if all of this is actually the case?
8. I would rather shit blood than meet anyone even remotely similar to a single character on “The Hills,” even for 2 minutes accidentally in line at Starbucks or something
9. Accidentally watching 10 seconds of Fox News feels startlingly similar to the time Beardy accidentally dropped me on my head and all my vertebrae compacted together in a single, devastating crunch
10. People looked funny in the 90’s. I know this because everyone on TV is from the 90’s, except the kids on “The Hills” who are from the 50’s via Jupiter.
10. The commercial for the penis pills that just has the woman repeating over and over again that the pill will “make YOU………LARGER” is pretty brilliant.
11. When did our society become so obsessed with penis pills? Oh my god, the world will come to an end if 60 year old men can’t get boners. Last time I checked, the pressing problems of our nation were not the result of a lack of boners. The opposite, if anything. In fact, it could be possible to describe our entire foreign policy as just one giant boner. If you ask me, I’d say we need some pills to make our boners GO AWAY. To borrow Christine Battersby’s description of her entire grad school experience, the modern earth cowers in the “shadow of a giant phallus.” And that’s the story of Imperialism!

When zombie apocalypse happens, I’d like to be able to sail a boat. That’s number one on my “checklist for zombie apocalypse.” Learn how to sail a boat.

2. Learn how to shoot a gun

3. Overcome fear of zombies

4. Lose five pounds!

Goodnight, friends. May your dreams be populated with funny dogs and the ability to fly, and may you remember that you don’t have any soymilk left BEFORE you make your coffee in the morning.