Today I’ve been calling bird “Charlie Johnson.” This is because all he wants to do is eat tuna fish and lay around. “Charlie Johnson” is not a real person or a reference to a real person. It just sounds like the name of someone who likes to eat tuna fish and lay around. That having been said, I’ll probably get at least 6 emails from angry “Charlie Johnsons” who are pillars of their communities. All I’m saying is, you can’t fight destiny.
Sometimes I call Bird “Prince Phillip” or, if he’s being especially snooty, “Prince Phillippe.” Last night, for example, he bathed himself with scented oils (a.k.a. his tuna fish mouth) for approximately seven hundred hours, shaking the bed and making gross mouth noises the whole time. Especially upsetting/snooty is when he bites and licks his crotch for upwards of infinity amount of time. Also it should be mentioned that he was sitting on my sternum while all this occurred. No matter how many times I politely moved him down toward my groinal area, where the going is less tender and my olfactory senses further away, he would march back up my body and sit back down on my sternum. In fact, it could be argued that each time I moved him, he returned to a position slightly CLOSER to my throat/face. This was baffling for a number of reasons, but I will only name two:
1. There was no more uncomfortable place for him to sit from my perspective
2. There was no more uncomfortable place for him to sit from HIS perspective
The only conclusion is that he lives to spite and hound me.
In the night I knocked him off the bed with my elbow. I pretended to have done this accidentally, but just between you and me (internet), it was intentional. Give me one good reason, I said to him, one good reason why I oughtn’t turn you into the workhouse right now, so help me god? If it’s good enough for the children of Jean-Jacques Rousseau, I fail to see how it is beneath one damn devil-eyed old stray cat who doesn’t even know how to open the door by himself.
His “good reason” was his soft, stinky body and the funny way he falls off of things.
I said a lot of stupid crap in school today.
School!!! Remember Fiona, getting on her bicycle and shouting, “Bye guys! I’m late for Med School!”
So yeah, I said a lot of stupid crap in school today. Then again, lots of people say lots of stupid crap (“A lot of people think a lot of things about Hawaii”), and sometimes it ends up on national television. That’s called “Me Playing The Glad Game.” John Kerry, for example, recently said that the people fighting in Iraq are illiterate hooligans. This may or may not be true, but I think we can all agree that it’s something best left unsaid, lest you be labeled an “elitist asshole.” Someone like yours truly might point out that if you want an elitist asshole you need look no further than 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, but such a statement apparently gets one nothing but water boarding these days. And no, that is not the same thing as the “fun boarding” espoused by one Philj Elverum.
It is not the same thing at all. Names can be deceiving. Just look up “Hot Carl/Karl” on the Wikipedia. Actually, don’t.
Anyway, what Kerry said was really stupid and rude, and I’ll be the first person to admit it. It’s not the soldiers’ fault that you have to join the army just to go to college these days. You know whose fault it is? Well, nevermind.
So Bill O’Reilly is like, “do you want America to win in Iraq? It’s a simple question,” and Dave Letterman was all, “it’s not a simple question for me, because I’m thoughtful.”
DAMN.
In other news, George W. Bush said “a vote for the Democrats is a vote for Osama Bin Laden” another 100 times and nobody seemed to think that was inappropriate. “Is our children learning?”
Luckily we live in God’s America, like I said. What with the soy lattes and the Netflix and the cheap booze.
Saying dumb crap in school is probably the least of my worries (see: zombie apocalypse; nuclear apocalypse; bubonic plague apocalypse; neoconservative pro-life christian apocalypse; living apart from life partner forever apocalypse; turning thirty apocalypse; stupid-ass cat who sits on my throat all night apocalypse). However, I’m in a position to focus on it almost exclusively. And that, in itself, is really kind of a blessing, when you think about all the people dying by zombie apocalypse right now.
Well, probably not. But they COULD be.
“Apocalypse” is my favorite all-time word. I just decided. It looks great, sounds great, and represents an amazing concept. What’s wrong the word “apocalypse?” Nothing.
“Hey, the ladies were great, and the pizza was great.”
“Which was better? Us or the pizza?”
“THE PIZZA! YOU GUYS! THE PIZZA! YOU GUYS! THE PIZZA! YOU GUYS!
I like how you’ve referenced that Stella episode twice in the past week and both times it has made me laugh/recite the bit out loud.
CYCLOPS
Nice post. A small quibble, though, regarding Kerry. The GOP/cable news talking points deliberately ignore the pre-released text of the speech he was trying to give. Here’s what he meant to say: “Do you know where you end up if you don’t study, if you aren’t smart, if you’re intellectually lazy? You end up getting us stuck in a war in Iraq. Just ask President Bush.” (see the URL in my sig for the citation). So he wasn’t saying being dumb condemns you to life as a soldier, he was saying being dumb means that, if you happen to become president, you drag your whole country into an unnecessary, brutal, unending war.
Kerry is, lord knows, capable of being a dumbass (e.g., all of 2004), but in this case, he was just being inarticulate.
And, just so you know, all most of us ever do is say stupid crap in school. Don’t ever feel bad about that. See you at AMS!
is there something inherently snooty about the name philip?
i am convinced, realistically or not, that there is a cure for bird’s naughty nighttime antics. first, i think you should feed him an hour before you go to bed and first thing in the morning and avoid leaving out food for him at night. that might cut down on the previously mentioned crunching, chewing sounds. and maybe not so much tuna or, tuna stored in water instead of oil? (perhaps this is all redundant info that you’ve already tried?) second of all, i think it’s probably time to lay down the law with the old man. cats, i think, respond to unsentimental and consistent rules. if you are pushing him off you sometimes and petting him other times while you’re trying to sleep, he is probably wise to the fact that you can be bribed/guilted/charmed into paying attention to him. potentially, if you’re hoping to train him into not sleeping on your neck, it might get worse before it starts to get better, meaning that cats are stubborn and are usually wise to our games. i’ll think about it some more and get back to you.