There can be only one Ultimate Blogger, and it is now confirmed that I am not the One. My application was the first one the judges recieved, and when apps started pouring in by the dozen I was sure that my chances were over. My blog is not particularly interesting unless you know me, I have no technical knowledge to speak of, and I don’t live in an exotic location. Why would they pick me? When I found out I made it to the final 30 and then 17, I was amazed and honored, but still certain I wouldn’t make the final cut. But someone much have championed my case, because suddenly I was one of the 12 illustrious contestants, and my first entry was due, STAT! The point is, I never thought I’d make it as far as I did. Top Five is pretty sweet. Now I know how Naima felt when she said that just competing in America’s Next Top Model made her feel beautiful- being a contestant in UB made me feel like a good writer. So I may not have won the IPod Shuffle, but I won validation. And that’s worth more.
My post UB goals are as follows:
~Make my personal blog, Perfect Heart better. Add more photos, create more links, write more interesting posts.
~Maintain friendships with my UB buddies- James, Ritchey, Judges, et al.
~Open a flickr account
~Challenge myself in other artistic mediums- namely film and music
~Enter more contests
Thanks to my readers for such wicked comments and support on both Perfect Heart and UB. It feels awesome.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is probably the end for me, at least as far as Ultimate Blogger goes. I gave it my all in the last challenge, but it wasn’t enough to grant me immunity. I fear the other alliance will banish me from the Internet by sunset. I’ve had a good run, folks. No regrets, no looking back. I’m a dead man walking, and unless the powers that be grant me a stay of execution, I’m headed to meet my maker. Pray for me, comrades…

Wow, I’m a little blushy right now! So many new people visited my blog this week, only to be greeted by the most self-pitying entry I’ve written yet! Whoops. I appreciate everyone’s warm comments. Overall I’m doing okay. My relationship ended two months ago, and I’m generally feeling happier out of it than I was in it- at least at the end. But getting dumped is shitty and confidence-destroying, and the days that it catches up to me are dark indeed. Of course it didn’t help that I got my period this weekend. There’s nothing like the cycles of womanhood to make you feel like crap!
Last night I went to a show at Holocene. My friends Jona and Adam were performing, and while I love seeing those men do their thing, I have to say the biggest draw was the knowledge that Joel Conrad Bechtolt would be in attendence. For those of you cave-men who haven’t been following Ultimate Blogger, Joel is a former contestant and regular rebble-rouser in the comment section. He is argumentative and enthusiastic. He pisses people off, and then charms the piss right out of them. Until the Medya Explosion, he was the UB’s resident asshole. Now by comparison he seems like a pussycat. I had to meet this man in person.
I recognized him from across the street, and called out to him, “Joel! It’s me, Willow!” He scooped me up into a giant hug, and then started talking. Hot damn that man can talk! He immediately told me that I’m hotter than my pictures show. He bought me beers and gave me cigarettes. His girlfriend Sarah was there, and she is fabulous. She told me a 12 minute story about a road trip she took years ago that totally floored me. That girl needs a blog. The crazy thing about these two is that It’s All True! All of the crazy things that Joel has posted about himself over the last few weeks are true! The broken foot, the bi-polar disorder, the prison time, the estranged wife, the devoted girlfriend, the alcoholism, the irrepressible charm. Joel Conrad Bechtolt is real, my friends. I have seen it.
I have photos, but I am going to save them for my next UB post. Trust me, they are amazing.

I’m feeling sad today. I miss Jake. If our relationship hadn’t ended I would be in Big Sur right now, camping with him and two other couples; celebrating his graduation and MFA show. Instead I spent my weekend fruitlessly hunting for a swim suit that fits me on top AND on bottom, and working. I feel sometimes like my life is just a series of predictable complaints. Now I’m 25, and I’m moaning about my soft belly. In two years it will be fine wrinkles around my eyes. I’m young and single, so I lament my lost loves. In a few years I’ll be married, longing for these days of freedom. It’s so dreary and obvious. And yet here I am.
I feel like I’m doing eveything I can to break free of this pathetic cycle- I keep busy, I meet new people, I work on projects- but then suddenly it all hits me again. Something so banal, like buying new bras, stops my heart for a second when I remember he’ll never see me in them. Or I’ll be struck by the way the sun hits the faded Wendy’s sign on Barbour Boulevard, and want to call and describe it to him. Silly girl. On a good day I congratulate myself for being such a fast healer. I look to the horizon- to more first kisses, to a visit in July from an old flame, to some future lover who will love me better and longer. Today is not a good day.

This week I recieved a huge packet from Lewis & Clark with all the information I need before school starts next month. I got book lists, fingerprinting locations(!), parking guidelines, lincenture requirements, and my summer schedule. The whole notion of grad school has been very abstract up until now. I mean, I applied to school, got accepted, was placed with a mentor- but it never felt totally real. My day to day life didn’t change much, and what with the break-up and Ultimate Blogger to occupy my every waking thought, I sort of forgot about school. (Except for the money part of course. I have spent A LOT of time thinking about budgets, loans, and expenses.) But now it’s real. I went to Powells and bought my first round of books. My first round of licenture exams is complete, and I go for my second round in a few weeks. Classes start in less than a month. In just over a year I will have my Masters degree and hopefully a teaching job lined up. Um, when did I become a grownup? I feel more solid than ever before. I feel like I’m doing the right thing.
Jordan, my 7 year old ward, was driving me crazy yesterday. He kept using gestures instead of words to tell me what he wanted. Like, he would point at the fridge and then at his mouth. Or he would put his booted foot in my face instead of asking me to help him get it off. He thinks this is cute and funny. I think it is infuriating. All afternoon I asked him to use words, explaining that it was rude to gesture that way, and that he was really ‘pushing my buttons.’ (He loves figures of speech like this.) He would nod, apologize, and then five minutes later he’d be whimpering like a puppy and shoving his backpack at me. I had effectively decided that I hate all children and do not belong in the childcare industry by the time his parents came home. I said quick goodbyes to the kids and got into the car, cranking the Springsteen in my tape deck. Just as I was pulling out of the driveway, Jordan ran outside and gestured (grr!) for me to stop. He came over to my window and gestured (GRR!) for me to roll it down. “What do you need, Jordan.” He cupped his hand around his mouth, and in an exagerrated stage whisper said, “I really, really like you.” I am such a jerk.
Ultimate Blogger is getting heated. I almost got the boot this week, but fractures in the other alliance saved me. I ended up tying with Lois 3-3, with one vote for Mimi as well. Thus no one was eliminated, but two will be kicked off this round. The stakes are high, immunity is crucial. My last entry was not my best by any means, and I relied heavily on my coaching staff for ideas. I hope I haven’t lost my touch, man! I gotta get back on my game…

Hello friends!
Just wanted to let you know that after a couple-month hiatus, my friend Liz (“the other liz” on my sidebar) is blogging again. It’s like Liz 2.0, better than ever! So check her out if you want. She’s fun.
I just posted my latest challenge entry on UB. My Denver friends will appreciate the superhero theme, I think. I will probably catch pneumonia from running up and down the pier in a skimpy costume, (see my entry for photos), but I do it for love of the game, man.
You know, there are a lot of fun girls in Portland. This past weekend I spent an awful lot of time with these two great ladies, Rachel and Rebecca. They are so cute and fun I want to hang out with them all the time! And going to Anna Oxygen’s party made me remember what a rad lady she is. And every time I see Matt Wright I ask him about Kristin, his awesome girlfriend that I always wish I saw more of. When Renee is in town I’ll drop everything to party with her, same with Katie R. And that’s not even mentioning the fabulous gals that I DO hang out with on a regular basis- Nicole, Suzy, Thea, Liz, Amy and Lisa. I’ve been talking forever about getting a craft/mix tape/breakfast/movie club together and inviting all these ladies to attend. Why haven’t I done this? I am not the organizing type, for one thing. Also I have a secret fear that no one would join my club, and then I would be sad. (Even though every one of the girls I mentioned has enthusiastically supported the idea.) Will someone please kick my ass into gear? I need some girl-on-girl-on-girl action up around here!
PS, In make out news, I kissed on a different Andrew over the weekend. Funny story, but embarassing for both of us, so I won’t publish it (though I desperately want to!) All I will say is Andrews=Hot Stuff. I may be a living stereotype of the Girl on the Rebound, but I’m having a great time. Last weekend I winked at the Everyday Music check-out boy, and he blushed. Rebecca says I am the most traditionally flirtatious girl she knows, which is totally flattering. Who needs to be in a committed relationship with someone they are entirely in love with when there is record store flirting to be done. Right? Um, right? Woo hoo, being single is great, right guys? Sigh…

In case you can’t read the message on this metal thing, it says, “SNOWFLAKE I’m out and lookn 4 U love 10 cent.” I drove by it a few times before finally snapping a photo. I wonder if 10 cent ever found SNOWFLAKE. I can’t tell if the message is sweet or sinister. Is 10 cent just out of jail? Should I be worried about SNOWFLAKE? I am conflicted here, my friends.
Well, thanks to my alter-ego, Miss Nancy Novak, I am the winner of this round of Ultimate Blogger, and have immunity from being voted off. As an added prize I was allowed to select one other person to be granted immunity as well, and of course I chose James. It may not have been the most strategic move, but he’s my ally, man! I gotta represent! We briefly considered voting super- strategically, but that’s not our vibe. We’re the Merit Badges, and we vote on merit. I won’t say who we picked, but I will be awful sad to see this person go. In the next round of voting I’m afraid we Merit Badges will be in trouble. Damn this wretched war!

First things first. I’ve been wanting to write about my surreal Saturday since, well, Saturday, but Ultimate Blogger is sucking up all of my cyber-time, so I’m only getting to it now, Wednesday. Saturday was so weird. I woke up and immediately got online to strategize with my ally, James. We decided to make friendly contact with the other, giant alliance, so we invited Ritchey into the chat. (This is so nerdy. I know.) We informed her of our ideology, and as a gesture of confidence, told her how we were planning on voting. She didn’t reveal much about her alliance, and James logged off to get some rest. So then it was just Ritchey and I, and we got to talking about Jake, and break ups, and friendships, and it was so deep and powerful. She may be my enemy in the game, but damned if I don’t love and respect that girl. Anyway, at one point I wrote, “I loved him, Ritchey,” and she replied, “I know. You loved each other. It was real.” And then all of the scaffolding around my heart just collapsed. It was so good to hear, to be reminded, but it hurt so much. There was a poem in the New Yorker right around the time we broke up by Michael Ryan called ‘No Warning, No Reason,’ that begins this way:
Because he left her, she must make him
someone she doesn’t love, rescripting as
deception their hand-clasped walks at dusk
when she felt his was the hand of God
linking her to him because she was
so blessed to be given this love
this late in life. It must have been lies:
each touching word, all thoughtfulness,
his shows of pleasure putting her first…
I think I had started to do that, to pretend that he never loved me at all because it was easier than knowing he loved me and then just didn’t anymore. Anyway, it was an amazing conversation, however painful. I was all worked up afterwards, so I went to see Million Dollar Baby at the Lauralhurst by myself. It’s such a sad movie; it was perfectly cathartic.
On my way home I got a call from Suzy, saying she and Steve were at a weird hippie, Cinco De Mayo party on Hawthorne. She said I should collect Ryan and head over, which I did. The party was every bit as weird as she said. It was in the empty lot next to a college house. There was a trampoline. (What adults have a trampoline?) There was hay spread all over the ground. There was a jam band. There was a Pepsi One billboard that lit up the entire party. There was a LOT of beer. We were waiting for the grill to get going, and somehow we ended up staying for like, three hours. We did not mingle at all. By the end we were so bored we almost called it a night. But then Mike and Renee showed up, so we headed to the Aalto lounge for a more intimate party.
A word about Renee. This girl is crazy. She’s the kind of person who can get a room full of half-sober, fairly uptight adults to play a raucous game of Truth or Dare with a raise of her eyebrow. She wears amazing costumes. She tours around the country teaching Wilderness First Responder and EMT courses, never staying in one place for more than a month. And yet she is a good friend, trustworthy, fun. She, Mike, Ryan and I stayed at the Aalto late, talking about movies, book ideas, traveling, and staying put. It was another one of those conversations, like the one on the night of the Miranda July opening, where everyone seemed so smart, so gifted, so connected.
The next night I went to the bar with my friend Tarp, who told me that he asked Amy to marry him, and she said yes. (Their proposal story is amazing, but I think I should ask permission before I publish it.) The wedding will be next summer, and will be an act of theater more than anything. They are thinking of making a Pope Benedict puppet to perform the wedding. All of the guests will wear costumes. I can’t wait.
Aren’t you all impressed by how long I’ve gone without mentioning Ultimate Blogger? See! I still have an actual life in addition to my virtual one! We vote today, and I’m hoping it is unanimous against Joel, because otherwise I am at risk. My photo entry didn’t turn out as well as I’d hoped, and I feel very vulnerable this session. Thanks to all my friends who post supportive comments on this blog, but don’t forget to post them on the UB site as well, if they relate to the competition. I gotta look strong and powerful, you know? Show I have an army of fans…
Finally we come to the part of this broadcast where I Kiss and Tell. Last night I went to Guy’s house to edit our movie, and he happens to live next door to Aandrew, and I noticed his truck’s window was down and it was raining, so of course I had to call him to let him know, but he pointed out that it was silly to be talking on the phone when we were 30 feet away so… Well, let’s just say more kissing ensued. Man that brother knows how to kiss a lady! Mmmm…
PS Eveyone please send your warm feelings to my sweet friend Jess B who’s father is very ill. She is coping really well, but could definitely use all the positive energy we send her way. I love you Jess. You are doing great.

So it only just dawned on me that by entering the Ultimate Blogger competition I have opened myself up to Ultimate Judgement. You are probably thinking, “Um, Willow? Have you ever WATCHED a reality show? Did you READ the rules before you entered the UB?” The answer is yes, of course, but when I entered I wasn’t thinking about the judging part. I was thinking about the writing part, and the prizes part, and the being semi-famous part. So when we had to do our first round of voting I got so wound up! See, I am not a thick skinned lady. Nothing really rolls off my back, rather I take all criticisms straight to heart, mulling them over ad nauseum. My feelings get hurt easily. Waiting for the results of the last vote to come in was agony! I mean, I’m not just opening myself up to the judgement of strangers (though plenty of dudes comment at length on our posts), but also people I know. Ritchie, one of my fine competitiors, also happens to be Lover Longstreth’s BFF. Her intellect and self-posession have intimidated me since the day I first laid eyes on her, and now I’m inviting her to judge me? Oy vey, can you say ‘masochist?’
So what is a tender soul like me doing in the cut-throat world of reality entertainment? The answer is “Bringing It.” Once the shock of realization wore off, I got pumped up on the judgement part. This is my opportunity to toughen up, take some heat, sweat a little. My entries so far have been GOOD, and I’m over feeling like an imposter in this competition. I have one ally, James, and we are devoted to each other to the end. Ritchie has been trying to poach him in ever-more devious ways, but he is standing firm by my side. I recently came into posession of some information about Joel- seems he’s also been plotting to get me out. Poor, misguided fools. I got them running scared. (Does this sound like tough-girl talk? Cause that’s what I’m going for here. Or does it sound like I’m tempting fate? Cause I want to avoid that…) In any event, we voted against Joel this round, so (as long as others vote along the same line) that’s one less shark in the pond.
In Kiss-Me-On-The-Mouth news, I went to Andrew’s art opening on Thursday night. Remember Andrew, the cute boy I went on a date with a few weeks ago? Well, I sort of blew him off after our sweet date, because I didn’t feel ready for Involvement. But I still thought he was real nice, so I went to his event. His artwork looked great- the gallery was totally blowing up. We chatted outside for a while, and when we said goodbye, he kissed me on the mouth! And not a wimpy kiss, either! My God, do I ever love a surprise kiss on the mouth. I love people who are bold enough to just plant one on you. It tickles me pink. Sigh. Some parts of being single are really fun. (Did I just admit that? Homegirl is healing up!)

The Ultimate Blog show is well under way. We completed our first challenge yesterday. We had to write on the topic of food. Check out the entries at the official site. This Russian fella, Lyova, won this round, which means he gets immunity from being voted off. No one else is safe. We cast our votes today, and the first loser gets booted tonight. I’m not sure who to vote against. Suggestions, anyone? All of the entries were really good, and I’m not sure if my vote should be based on merit or strategy. I think my entry was pretty good, but overall it probably falls in the bottom half, which means I’m at risk here. (I think I was a bit too sentimental. Always a challenge in my writing. Sigh.)
In other news… Oh who am I kidding? I’m so wrapped up in this competition, I don’t have any other news! What a weenie.