a little blue

I’m feeling sad today. I miss Jake. If our relationship hadn’t ended I would be in Big Sur right now, camping with him and two other couples; celebrating his graduation and MFA show. Instead I spent my weekend fruitlessly hunting for a swim suit that fits me on top AND on bottom, and working. I feel sometimes like my life is just a series of predictable complaints. Now I’m 25, and I’m moaning about my soft belly. In two years it will be fine wrinkles around my eyes. I’m young and single, so I lament my lost loves. In a few years I’ll be married, longing for these days of freedom. It’s so dreary and obvious. And yet here I am.
I feel like I’m doing eveything I can to break free of this pathetic cycle- I keep busy, I meet new people, I work on projects- but then suddenly it all hits me again. Something so banal, like buying new bras, stops my heart for a second when I remember he’ll never see me in them. Or I’ll be struck by the way the sun hits the faded Wendy’s sign on Barbour Boulevard, and want to call and describe it to him. Silly girl. On a good day I congratulate myself for being such a fast healer. I look to the horizon- to more first kisses, to a visit in July from an old flame, to some future lover who will love me better and longer. Today is not a good day.