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Hiring Thread

freddyfreddy
edited September 2013
I am hiring an assistant. Reviewing applications makes me despair for our country. It is malpractice that universities are letting kids out with NO CLUE about how to write a functional cover letter. Here are some choice highlights for your entertainment.

I believe I am a qualified applicant for this job because of my prior work experience.

I was browsing through the job listings, when your job caught my eye. There was something about this one that stuck out to me.

As you can tell from my attached resume I have worked in many fields in many different positions. I accepted each and everyone of them with the hope to push and expand my knowledge of the business world around me, and to learn more about the diverse people in this world.

Skills: Creative ability to solve a problem that does not exist, resulting in increased efficiency and innovating new technological advances

Young and yet very mature: willing to lean and grown [sic]

I am a warm benevolent individual always taking on bigger challenges, in doing so strengthening myself into becoming a better person and in return giving nothing but the best to the people with in our community.

Excellent computer skills: MS office, Mac, and the Internet

As for relevant work experience, my attached resume should do an efficient job highlighting my qualifications. A year spent working for XXX left me well-trained in pretty much all this position's listed key aspects.

What else? I have the right degrees and GPA. I have the ambition. All I need now is a chance to show you what I'm capable of. So please, call now! Operators are standing by.

I love learning, about new technologies, ways of study, psychology, etc.

I’m a very creative and supportive person, and I believe that the technology a person uses has a direct affect on how they interact with their loved ones, their professional associates, and the potential opportunities that are available in their lives.

I accept criticism well. I need to improve my ability to share tasks with others.

Comments

  • YoursTrulyYoursTruly
    HA HA HA

    What leaps out at me from all of these is the way this generation has been raised to value the personal, subjective feeling and the description of personal beliefs or attributes above all else. My students are always turning in academic papers on, like, Frankenstein or Freud, where they spend a paragraph letting me know about their upbringing and what they have "always valued" or whatever. What they personally "loved" or "hated" about whatever I asked them to write a paper about. We need to stop raising our kids to be special sunflowers who think their subjective reactions are DATA and start teaching them how to fucking think and express themselves in a way that is meaningful beyond, like, a diary entry

    FUN

    GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ASSISTANT

    Hire an old lady who lived through a war!!!!!
  • zinzin
    Aren't you also getting people who are vastly overqualified? That's at least as good a reason to despair.
  • 12341234
    Please fwd me the contact info for the person who said: "Skills: Creative ability to solve a problem that does not exist, resulting in increased efficiency and innovating new technological advances"

    I HAVE SOME PROBLEMS THAT DO NOT EXIST!!! I NEED THEM SOLVED!
  • freddyfreddy
    edited September 2013
    YT, so so true. Every cover letter - even the ones that I am having to consider because by comparison they are tolerable - is all about "I have always valued blah blah blah, and then I traveled to Europe and realized that I wanted to blah blah blah and I really want to work for you because I care so much about bikes." I. DON'T. GIVE. A. SHIT. Tell me how you're going to make my life easier!!!!!

    JB, yes, getting overqualified folks, but it's just people who want a foot in the door at my firm. Only one PhD and one lawyer so far.
  • ManInTheIvoryTowerManInTheIvoryTower
    "Tell them how you're going to make their life easier!" is great advice for applying for jobs in general. My goal in an interview is always to find out at least one problem they are having and help them fix it right there.
  • MirandaJulyMirandaJuly
    Yeah, on the same note, a very intelligent friend of mine once told me "When you meet people and they ask you 'What do you do?' what they really mean is 'What can you do for me?' So answer that question instead."
  • flossy_log_ladyflossy_log_lady
    I kind of freak out reading this because, jesus, how is one supposed to know how he/she can make someone's life easier before he/she knows anything about what their problems are/what they do/etc? You can't learn that much from a company website...

    Freddy, I'm guessing the job of "assistant" isn't really that HARD. I mean, someone probably doesn't have to have a lot of specialized skills to be a good assistant - right? There are probably five gajillion people out there who could technically do the tasks? I'm just guessing. So what does someone applying for this job have to work with to set themselves apart? Personality. Their "qualities" and "creativity." We don't live in a world anymore where you can just go to "assistant school" and learn the "assistant skills" and then simply get a job as an assistant. So I feel for these folks - I feel like I've been in their shoes before. I would have LOVED to have written in my cover letters, "Listen - I'm a bright kid. I don't have a lot of experience in the working world, but I know how to write, how to argue, how to reason, and I definitely know how to learn. I'm decently tech savvy, and I'm eager. If you want to meet, my contact info is below. Thanks."

    Actually, maybe that would have been a good idea. But that could describe probably at least 1/3 to 1/2 of the job applicants.

    I have been really anxious lately because I've been "having meetings" with people who work at a business in town that I would love to work for (and it's definitely out of my "experience" area). I've "had meetings" with five different employees of this business now - including two meetings with one of them. So that's 6 separate coffee meetings over the past year, and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Isn't that awful? I have a vague/urgent notion going into these meetings that I SHOULDN'T WASTE THEIR TIME, but otherwise I just sit there and try to ask questions and learn about what they do. Now I'm supposed to go "give a presentation to their department" and I STILL have such a vague idea about what it is they actually DO! It's just hard, you guys!

    Also, I have to wonder why they are meeting with me. Is it because they actually think I might be a good fit at the company? Is it because they think I might be able to get them some lucrative consulting business with KP if they play me just right? I don't know!

    I should probably consult with KMikeyM to help me figure out how to deliver a compelling presentation.

    Now I'm really stressed out. Good luck to all those poor applicants out there trying their hardest to find a job that will afford them even the smallest amount of self-respect!

  • MirandaJulyMirandaJuly
    I feel what FL is saying. When you don't really have much life / work experience, it's hard to describe what you bring to a work environment, because you're still figuring that out.
  • YoursTrulyYoursTruly
    believe me I know!!! I bombed my first academic job interview for this very reason. Trying to talk in a language you haven't learned yet! A nightmare.

    All due respect to these kids, it's not their fault this is the shitty world their parents have bequeathed to them and it's not their fault they were raised to believe they can be president and an astronaut and beyonce all at once
  • 000000
    edited September 2013
    I just wrote a cover letter, it was a weird experience! I haven't looked for a job in many years.

    This thread made me paranoid.
  • YoursTrulyYoursTruly
    cover letters are terrible! a terrible genre
    i bet yours is great dude, don't even stress

  • MirandaJulyMirandaJuly
    Yeah, wtf with cover letters? I never want to see a cover letter when I'm hiring. I just want to chat with people and see their resumes to make sure they can write a resume basically.
  • Dr_William_HaywardDr_William_Hayward
    I put a lot of energy into a 1 page cover letter. I would say that HR will be shown as the downfall of America in their hiring filtering. Work personal relationships in your networks and get great searchable recommendation quotesons. 1:1 connections with the hiring manager. Me, I found my dream job by accident. Having searched and hired for a while, glad to help other UH'r's in any way.
  • freddyfreddy
    edited September 2013
    I feel you, Flossy. I honestly don't expect an entry-level assistant to be super experienced (and in fact I'm weeding out at least 1 in 3 resumes for being clearly overqualified). All I want is someone who is a solid writer, a good team player, well organized, and great with details. (I mean, they have to love multimodal transportation too, but in this town that's not hard.) Anyone who read the job post carefully should be able to figure all that out - in fact, I said it directly - and therefore, if the cover letter doesn't demonstrate (not claim w/o evidence) that the candidate is those things, I feel like they're wasting my time. What's sad is just that clearly nobody ever taught these kids how to write a decent cover letter.

    This blog post about how to write a great cover letter is right on - especially the part about following application instructions, and also not talking about how the position will benefit the applicant instead of the firm.
  • freddyfreddy
    edited September 2013
    And on a slightly different topic, while I totally agree that using your personal networks is an important part of finding a job, I have come to feel strongly that when I am hiring, relying too heavily on personal connections and recommendations is, in its results, classist and racist (given who my personal networks are). I'm trying really hard to find ways of evaluating candidates that can give minority candidates (in particular) a shot at the position.
  • flossy_log_ladyflossy_log_lady
    Here is a job:

    http://www.jobscore.com/jobs2/tumblr/community-and-content-associate/bqV8DakGer45PQiGakhP3Q?ref=rss&sid=68



    Community and Content Associate

    New York, NY | Product





    Community and Content Associate

    We’re looking for a Tumblr fanatic with excellent taste and an eye for cultural trends to navigate our communities and fandoms in search of the very best content to promote on the platform. The Community and Content Associate will keep a finger on the pulse of Tumblr’s trending topics and help find and curate blogs and posts that we’ll feature in Radar, Spotlight, email blasts, staff blog posts, and more. The ideal candidate knows the platform inside and out and is a voracious consumer of creativity, culture, and current events.

    What you’ll do:
    •Explore the millions of blogs on Tumblr in search of the interesting creators and content to share.
    •Identify and share important stories and breaking news that interest a vast range of communities on Tumblr.
    •Maintain research calendars, specialized dashboards (different kinds of dashboards), topic lists, AV displays, and resource directories

    What we’re looking for:
    •2-4 years in an online news, photo editing, or curatorial role.
    •People obsessed with Tumblr, popular culture, and amazing content.
    •Ambition, passion, and an extensive understanding of our features.
    •Strong written and verbal communication skills.
    •Superb project management and presentation skills.
    •An Excel Superstar.
    •Passionate, innovative spirit, and a desire to work in a flexible and fast-paced environment.
    •BA/BS degree.
  • MirandaJulyMirandaJuly
    If you got that job, you would probably be working with my friend Amanda, who is fucking awesome and so much fun. I wish I could work with her myself, but I'm allergic to New York City.
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