moves, moods, changes

It’s been a challenge trying to decide what to post here these last two months. I am making progress on my Power Year, but I want Perfect Heart to be more than a place to give updates on projects. For it to seem really natural and interesting, to the reader and to myself, I feel that I should just be posting a lot and folding updates into the posts instead of waiting to post until I’ve accomplished a goal. My mission with Perfect Heart, all those many years ago when I started it, was to report myself with utter transparency, to chronicle my day-to-days in an honest way. A lot has happened in the last few months that I’ve wanted to reflect on here, so that my toe touching and hiking and everything could be placed, by you and I, into the greater context of what this 31st year has been and could yet become.

So.

Two months ago my partner of 5.5 years and I decided to separate. There was no drama, no betrayal, no smashing of dishes or dumping of belongings onto lawns. Instead there were months of talks with and without the help of a professional, about whether and how we could stay together when our visions for our futures just didn’t align. We tried very hard to compromise, to find common ground, to make each other happy without sacrificing too much of our own needs and dreams. We pursued every avenue but we found we could not make our way together. It was a heartbreaking realization. We separated our kitchen items. We separated our finances. He found an apartment in another neighborhood. I found a way to stay in the house. He packed while I was on the trail, and when I returned, with not a few tears shed, he left.

This has been a difficult time.

But.

It has also been a time of possibility.

My world had been so fixed and narrow, in a way that I loved for the most part. My routines went like this, my relationships worked like that. With everything upended I can’t help but just be open to… well everything. I’ve had to reach out to friends more, in a way that’s humbling and raw, but that has made me so grateful for the good people in my life. With summer here my time is almost entirely unstructured which has been frightening and liberating in turns. I’ve made a habit of saying yes to every invite just to get myself out of the house and into the world. Noise show? Sure. Activist panel? OK. Hikes, softball, happy hours, beach trips, river trips, yard sales… I’ve said yes. And with surprise, and some sheepishness, I’ve found myself having A LOT of fun! It’s such a paradox to be grieving and celebrating at the same time, but I’ve LOVED my summer so far. I’ve felt parts of myself waking up after years of napping. Like the part of me that stays up too late! The part that goes to shows alone! The part that’s flirty, the part that dominates the dance floor. Nothing, no one, was holding me back from that before, it’s just that as I said my life was fixed. But now it’s in flux and it is exciting! I’ve even had some nice dates with a nice person which has been very unexpected but feels so kind.

I’m not done dealing with the end of my relationship. I still think about it every day, and each time I have to tell someone new that it’s over I get choked up. “I know I seem upset but I’m actually doing really well.” I miss the casual day to day knowing what’s happening with each other, and the jokes, and that special kind of friendship that comes with years of living side by side. But if I could go back in time to change things I wouldn’t. We made the right decision. I feel nothing but tenderness and warmth toward he, my former companion, and I am very glad for the grace of our parting.