“I was high, high, then I came down…

…you know me and how high I can be.”
Well, I guess it was inevitable that I would eventually crash after the sort of feverish excitement that permeated the month surrounding the New Year. There was so much to be excited about- killer Colorado trip with toasts and Flobots and Buntports and snowball fights in Silver Plume. And then back in Portland there were fake parties and very resolved resolutions and crushes realized and reciprocated. I was feeling pumped, pumped, pumped on 2006 and all the promise it held. And I still am, truly. But even the purplest balloon heads back to earth with either a pop or a sigh, and now I am that balloon. And I sort of popped.
“You don’t know yourself til you’re low.”
The litany of everyday grievances that I blithely ignored in my elation have become impatient for my attention, seeking it with a shove and a stomp. The usual woes- dismal finances; dearly wanting but being unable to afford a little apartment of my own; feeling let down by/left out of friendships; recognizing the long, unbroken stretch of school and work laid out in front of me; rain; rain; rain. It’s not so bad, I know. I have one million blessings stitched together like a second skin around me, and I feel lucky, lucky. But also sad, today.
I have a frustrating combination of acute intuition and extreme sensitivity to other people’s impressions of me, which often leaves me feeling punched in the gut. It’s hard to know when I’m being perceptive and when I’m being paranoid, but the result is hurt feelings that cannot always be justified or explained. As I’ve grown up, I’ve grown out of a lot of my emo-ness. But this particular trait is dogged and mean, and I can’t really seem to shake it. It makes me mad at myself for succumbing, and for needing more than my fair share of reassurance from my friends and family. Why can’t I let this stuff go? Why, when I hear about or sense bad vibes, do I let them in so deep? Why can’t I just let them go by, like that Leonard Cohen song, “If I, if I have been unkind, I hope that you can just let it go by” ? I got overwhelmed by it in the college library today and started crying, and I ichatted to my friend that I felt like an undergrad! I do not want to be emotionally 18!! Blegh.
My plan is to hunker down until this darkness passes. I’ve taken two naps in two days, and tonight I will go to the movies by myself and eat popcorn. Then later maybe some snuggles and magazine reading in bed, and hopefully I’ll be back in ship-shape soon. HRS ARK ROYAL has exhibited a fine combination of teasing and gentleness in the face of my funk, and for that I am thankful. I feel guilty that this side of me is revealing itself so early in our relationship, but what can I do? I’m sort of a messy person.
Sorry this is not as exciting a topic as public urination, though I truly appreciate the flood of responses to that post! HRS ARK ROYAL and I have come to a tentative agreement that public urination is gross, but sometimes necessary. A compromise.