hey there, lonely girl

I am sick. Again. Sicker than last time. It’s depressing. I’ve gone in late or left early from school every day this week, which makes me feel like the flakiest lady ever. And I’ve been on this horrible crying jag for the last 24 hours or so. It started last night when I was at Steve’s and he told me that my spirit animal was played out. Today the following things made me cry:
*The First Grade team decided to go on a field trip to a farm tomorrow. The thought of standing around outside all day and trying to stop kids from picking up newts got me going. Plus I’m supposed to meet with another teacher for an assignment tomorrow, so going on a field trip would force us to meet at school on Sunday to reschedule. I do not want to go to school on Sunday! Luckily my very kind and generous mentor teacher excused me from the field trip (and told me to to go home today and sleep). Her niceness then made me cry.
*As I was leaving school I stopped by the library, where the nice librarian gave me suggestions on how to rid myself of this cold. She asked if I had anyone at home to take care of me. I don’t, so I cried. (The family I live with just left for a 2 week vacation.)
*Driving home I just cried for no reason.
*At noon I had to meet two of my classmates for a project downtown, and as soon as I saw them I cried. They gave me hugs and tried to make me go home and sleep, but I just can’t let sickness make me fall behind in school, so I stuck it out. We had lunch together and I cried a little more.
It had been about an hour since my last cry. I have a three hour class to get through before I can go home and lie down, and I am very seriously hoping that there are no more tears in me. I think the combination of sickness and lots of school busyness has run me down. But on a deeper level I have been feeling really disconnected from my friends lately. My most irritating (to me and others) character flaw is my need for a lot of love and reassurance. I wish that I was better at tapping an inner reservoir or whatever, but I’m not. I need a lot of feedback from my friends and family that they love me and want me in their lives, and when I don’t feel it, I become the lonliest girl alive. Okay, that’s an overstatement, but it does make me sad. I try to give out a lot of love and reassurance to the people I care about in order to maintain some sort of balance. And of course when things are going smoothly I need it all less. I am conscious of this flaw, and I am actively working on patching it up. But damn. I sure feel awful now. I miss my friends.