Under the Volcano

The boys were given projects, a “Special Interest Report”–optional, mind you–to do outside of class. They had a list of suggested topics of study such as: a type of dinosaur; building a fort; a special place; a special person; a volcano. Madee settled right in on that last one and decided he would very much like to build a volcano. I said ok, let’s do it. I’ve never made one of these volcanos before–you know the kind, that shoot red liquid up out over a paper mache mountain–but I am a resourceful gent. I suggested that there were friends of ours that had probably done these things before and knew more than I, people such as Derryck or Lisa’s boyfriend, Blue (I had no real reason to believe Derryck knew anything about making these kind of volcanos, other than the fact that he has an obsession with molten rock and lava; Blue is very handy and clever so I just thought their was a decent chance he would know something about this kind of thing). It turned out Blue had made such a thing before and he set to work creating a paper mache replica of grand scale.
Madee acted as a kind of foreman for the job. Blue had been setting the whole thing up the first day and once the table was set for dinner, Madee asked, “Blue, will you keep working on it while we eat?” Then, a couple days later, while applying the newspaper, Blue paused to read something on the paper he was holding. Madee asked, “Are you supposed to be doing that?”
Eban came up to me last week and said, “Dad, for my project I want to paint a masterpiece.” Then he handed me his “Special Interest Report” from school. Under topic, he had written in, “Paint a masterpiece.” What did he want to paint, I asked? Squidward, he said, who is the–aptly named–squid from Spongebob. Let me just digress here for one second to say–in case those of you reading do not have kids or cable and have never had reason to watch a “children’s show”–that Spongebob is by far one of the funniest shows on tv, period. Because of college basketball, I was forced to watch CBS and its ads for “Two and a half Men” which it called “America’s Funniest Comedy.” Each time I watched clips of this show–staring Charlie Sheen and Duckie–I vomited directly onto my crotch in revulsion. Spongebob is funnier than the current Simpsons episodes–anything after the 14th or 15th season–and pretty much anything else currently on primetime.
Anyhoo, I am not an artist and since Eban was supposed to research his “painting a masterpiece project” I called our good friend Tarp (née Ryan Pierce). Like I said, I am not an artist, but Tarp is what I consider one of them folk who is obscenely, disgustingly talented. I ain’t bullshitting you. Observe. I asked Tarp if he might teach my young son a thing or two about the art of painting. He agreed. And so the master taught his young apprentice the fine art of at least looking like you’re serious.

I was impressed though, when Lisa asked Eban what he learned from Tarp, he answered: don’t press too hard and take your time. That’s the best advice you can take from any lesson on any subject. After the lesson they celebrated in a very European way, with the young boy gleefully chasing a balloon while his master stares out the window in deep thought.

Eban decided at the last minute to switch subjects and so he painted Patrick, the starfish, instead. I like Patrick a lot more than Squidward anyway, so I supported this decision. He has yet to finish the painting, but when he days I will be sure to include some updated photographs.
This is what the finished volcano looked like. Children and adults alike were wowed.