THE OLYMPICS: A CASE STUDY IN QUEEN BEES AND WANNABES

Even though the Olympics are boring and the announcers keep making borderline bigoted remarks about other countries, Esan and I watched part of the gymnastics trials tonight, because we decided if the American teams win it might be good for the depressed economy. Or at least will provide a moment of jingoistic respite from our current recession/depression? woes. The American team is six blonde 15-19-year-olds from the Midwest and you can intuit the mean-girlsesque power dynamics going down hard–you can see it in their heavily-makeupped faces, by who pointedly hugs certain girls and ignores others, by which girl gives the inspirational post-trials speeches as if she is a cross between deputy coach and lauren fucking conrad from the hills. None of this is surprising; six teen overacheivers, ostensibly part of the same posse but in reality are competing against one another for gold medal status in the world’s foremost sporting event? Sorry, no, I am not available to chaperone you guys’s slumber party tonight. I’m busy for the next 17 1/2 years.
Alicia Sacramone is clearly the alpha chick of the crew–snitch goes to Brown!–even though her nicer and very graceful teammates Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson are way going to kick more ass and might even place ahead of the Chinese team (which is better than ours, a fact which causes endless displeasure for the ABC announcers, who literally almost said something like “Of course they’re working hard, they’re Asian” or some bullshit. Also, direct quote: “The Chinese team is showing exuberance, but when the American team shows they will bring a level of refinement.” The American team proceeded to fuck up in every category). Bridget Sloan is the b- or c-girl insofar that she only barely made the team, and she told the anchors that she suffers from low self-esteem, a fire surely stoked by the presence of her beefy teammates. Teenage girl beef is the worst, and teenage girl beef within such a particularly coded, mainstream social construct that is famous for fostering eating disorders in its grotesquely shaped daughters is deadlier than a night out with Bear Grylls. Word to Bear Grylls. Sidebar me and B were watching Man vs. Wild and are wondering when a rapper is going to namecheck Bear Grylls. It’s five metaphors waiting to happen. Can somebody help me out? Charles Hamilton, it’s your move, baby.
Okay I just read one interview with Alicia Sacramone and discovered she is the teen captain. Hence her onscreen mommishness and A-girl staturetude. Also not too mad at her iPod playlist, tho she needs to get off of Diddy’s jockerstein.