GREY’S LIVEBLOG: ROADKILL ALL UP IN THE DODGE

Ok, I’m liveblogging the season premiere of Grey’s until Chris gets here.
SPOILER ALERT!!!
9:25: Sandra Oh (I forgot all their names over the summer) gives the Grey’s anatomy signature 20 second drama recap over a Lily Allen song. Dryly: “Some chick lost an arm, Meredith’s half-sister is gonna be fucking Dr. Shepherd by October, Inga’s outside saving the life of a deer so as not to offend her vegetarian sensibilities. How are you?”
9:27: Commercial for new George Clooney movie. George Clooney is my husband. Go see it, so our children can go to college.
9:28: CYMBALTA commercial – tagline “Depression Hurts” sounds like my 14 year old cousin’s next fave band.
9:28:39: Yeah, I don’t have DVR. What.
9:31: Inga is reading books on the circulatory systems of deer. Why not? She’s already drilled a hole into the skull of a carpenter with a SKIL. (See: last season.) Music: MISCHIEVOUS.
9:32: Sandra Oh to patient. Dryly: “If your husband moves his head, it will roll off.” Decapitation, a severed arm, a potential familial love triangle. Still 30 more minutes to up your grisly ante, Shonda? Can we get an impalement one time? Thanks.
9:35. Inga: “We’re all freakin out. We’re all freakin out. I’M Bambi. I’m A SAD CARTOON CHARACTER. I’M ALL ALONE IN THE FOREST, GEORGE. ALL ALONE IN THE FOREST.” Pure COMEDY!
9:36: Dr. Shepherd is defending Sandra Oh to McSteamy RE: the departure of Isaiah Washington aka Dr. Burke. Sandra Oh and Dr. Shepherd will be fucking in 5… 4… 3… 2…
9:37: Some old dude, hungry after surgery, shoveled some marshmallows into his face earlier and now he’s choking to death. Old man, don’t you know corn syrup incurs the wrath of God?
9:42: Inga is saving the deer in the back of the truck, because she is seriesally incapable of performing any surgery that does not simultaneously serve as a lunkheaded metaphor for her own life.
9:43: The severed arm chick is now giving birth to her baby, while her arm is being reattached. Shonda Rimes, you do not fail me.
9:44: Sandra Oh is talking to this dead-not dead-dead-not dead guy about always remembering the one you love blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhhh
9:46: They’re operating on somebody who eats nickels and scissors, apparently. Throwback jam to first episode where they found a gym towel in someone’s abdomen.
9:46:39: Meredith’s new half-sister is playing therapist to George, who’s having a minor meltdown, while conveniently recapping the entirety of last season. George is definitely gonna sleep with Meredith’s half-sister, angering both Inga and his semi-estranged wife, La Chingada.
9:48: TOTALLY CALLED IT! Meredith is enviously looking on to her optimistic half-sister and seriously hating. Meredith needs to get cozy with some Cymbalta.
9:50: Tina Fey has her own American Express commercial! (Where the fuck is Chris? I need to hear the ham napkin joke again. [30 ROCK PREMIERE NEXT WEEK! WATCH IT!])
9:55: Inga, with a deer-blood moustache (or bad make-up?), gives a backhanded inspirational speech to the incoming interns. You go on with your bad self, Inga.
9:56: Yet another coy, piano-bonered indie rock song comes on. George finds his self-worth. Sandra Oh is sitting near the window crying, thinking, “Why did my long lost love have to be a homophobe? Now they’re going to make me sleep with Patrick Dempsey, and he’s a virulent egomaniac.”
9:58: Meredith voice-over. She wants to punch her half-sister in the face for getting faded with her ex-boyf down at O’Hanahans at the end of last season.
9:59: Dr. Shepherd and Meredith are breaking up in a closet in the hospital. Matter of factly. Now they’re going to sleep together again – cause no breakup is complete without outro sex. (Exit sex, if you will.)
10: George is back at Inga’s, reaffirming La Chingada’s recent, post-marriage portrayal as the unsexy, kid-desiring matron… to think just eight episodes ago she was a true freak with a hankering for whiskey and a role model for thick, sexually liberated, boozy Latinas everywhere. Thanks a bunch Shonda. Thanks for slowing my roll.