it’s new year’s eve, about 45 minutes left in 2007. I should probably be at a party or something, trying to navigate my way towards some cute girl who might want to make-out with me at the stroke of midnight, but tonight that just seems overwhelmingly impossible. a weird year capped by a weird month capped by a weird day makes the possibilities of tonight seem completely un-navigable. sometimes I think it’s better to just dig a hole and cuddle up with a sad song pouring out of the record player. lately it’s been Scout Niblett’s song “Kiss”, which just kills me. willfully. a good song and a bottle of whiskey can get you through anything.
New Year’s is a holiday that can be very stressful. I suppose all holidays can be, as they give such clear expectations of what you should be doing if you are doing it right. Whether it’s having good times with loved ones on Thanksgiving, doing romantic things with your lover on Valentine’s, or having a great costume on Halloween, holidays make it very clear what you should be doing if you are normal/successful/happy. But with New Year’s it’s a bit of a mix; there is the idea of ushering a new year- a rebirth of sorts, complete with goals and resolutions and Auld Lang Syne, which is stressful alone. But then there is the whole kiss at midnight thing. When you are single and alone, the stroke of midnight on New Year’s takes lonely and multiplies it by a million.
every year about this time I try to come up with some personal slogan for the new year. sort of like a new year’s resolution, but more of a theme instead of an ambitious to-do list. themes of year’s past have included the year to live dangerously, the year to grab the spotlight, the year to keep it real on the lower levels, and the year to get it back, to name a few.
this was supposed to be the YEAR OF HUGE PROJECTS, but really just turned out to be a year of a couple mid-sized projects and a HUGE list of rejections. the projects never really materialized and things aren’t all that further along then they were 12 months ago. I have a healthy list of excuses as to why that’s the case, but really I know that I could have worked so much harder then I did. and I think I have been thinking this to myself since about the fourth grade- for as long as I remember being able to analyze my work, life, and results. I could have done better in school had I worked harder. I could have been better at sports had I practiced harder. I could be a much more successful artist if I spent less time on the internet and more time working, but I always had some convenient excuse as to why. even right this very second I feel a great urge to check my email, look at people’s myspace pages, or read about tonight’s Blazers game on the web.
now there is only 20 minutes left in 2007. I was hoping my cell phone would have come through in heroic fashion by now; vibrating with a message of hope that somehow solved everything; like sunshine finding a part in the clouds on a rainy day. reflecting light off the puddles, and turning the world into a disco ball. I wish the whiskey would work that good.
in addition to coming up with a theme for each new year, I also try to re-dub the ending year’s theme. 2006 was supposed to be “the year of the non-stop party wagon” (which was inspired by my pal Al Burian) and was meant as a way to basically say ‘yes’ to everything. I was realizing that I was a bit of a control freak, and thought my life would become richer if I started ‘going with the flow’ a little more. Things actually got off to a great start that year, and I felt I had reached a new level of personal efficiency and self-motivation, but then my flow got derailed by a difficult break-up which left me reeling for awhile (well, still…) and hence the year was redubbed ‘the year I learned what heartbreak really felt like’
so, sadly I think that 2007 is going to get the unfortunate dub ‘the year of mediocre results.’ it’s not that it was a bad year, I feel very fortunate to have been able to do all the things I did, and I had some wonderful adventures and great times with good friends. I probably could call it the year of rejection, but that just seems like asking for trouble as I am sure I really could be rejected much, much more then I was. but i pretty much struck out on every grant application, film festival submission, studio visit, workshop, and just about everything else i tried for. my pile of rejection letters this year is strong. (at what point in your life can you reveal the fact that things are difficult. goals and ideals you set for yourself just don’t come into view, while the mere act of surviving proves to be so much more difficult then you ever imagined.)
it’s three minutes before midnight. it’s hard not to wonder who will be kissing who. I suppose it’s too late to be checking my email with any hopes of real results. luckily there is still some beer left in the fridge, even if it is my roommate’s. I can hear fireworks.
2008: “don’t break my dream”