So, I had an amazing time at John and Aubrey’s wedding, and I want to share all of the details. In fact, I thought that this post would be a full-on wedding recap. But then tonight was really awful, and I think it would dishonor the beauty of their ritual if I wrote about it in this frame of mind.
Tonight all of my feelings of spinning out of control and being crazy came to a head with AJ, and I really hurt his feelings. I’m a jerk. I knew all along that I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship, but I liked AJ so much that I sort of jumped in anyway. I had a lot of fun with him and really enjoyed being with him. But still, with school pressures and the reverberations from my recent break-up still in the air I ended up feeling guilty and unfair all the time. There have been a couple of recent developments in the ex-boyfriend category that I’m too tired to get into right now. But the point is AJ is warm and trusting and he deserves a girl who can be fully present. And despite my best efforts to be that girl, I just can’t do it right now. I feel so mean.
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oh, I’m sorry your night was so awful. Love to you.
You are not a jerk. I am sure what you did what you had to do, and that you were probably very decent about it.
remember, urban honking has a large readership. whatever you said to AJ, it probably doesn’t help him to know that you’re blogging to the greater portland community about his hurt feelings and warm trustingness. you’re making him sound like a pansy who couldn’t hold down a girl.
Don’t beat yourself up about it!
FYI, readers, Mike Merril did not make the above comment. I emailed him and asked, this was his response:
“no!
I almost responded… because I so didn’t agree with what he said!
Josh asked me why I was being so harsh, and I said, “What!?” and he
said on your blog…
I did look his info up… his email addy says he is from Jet Blue,
and his IP is from New York.
I don’t think you made AJ look like a pansy, that is a dumb thing to
say. You make him look like a really awesome guy, a guy so rad that
you doubted your own instincts about jumping into another
relationship. (i don’t know who AJ is) And I think blogging about it
is good.”
I have a personal blog. I write about my personal life. Even when it gets sticky, I try to present things honestly and fairly. AJ is wonderful. He is not a pansy, just a really good guy. I was not a good girlfriend to him, and I needed to confess it on Perfect Heart. “AJ” is a pseudonym. The greater Portland community is most likely not reading my dinky blog, and those that are do not know his actual identity, unless they are my friends in real life too.
I find the phrase “hold down a girl” offensive.
I’m glad you cleared that up. I figured that you & Mike must have some understanding about it, but I did think that it was a pretty borderline joke for him to be doing, and so soon!
I shouldn’t have doubted you, Mike.
Wow, Willow, you know you’ve “made it” in the blogging world when some jerk who you don’t even know leaves lecturing comments about your lovelife on your personal blog! Um, congratulations? :p
I seem to attract cyber creeps, Emily. This dude is not the first. Lucky me, right?