Every time I think about blogging lately the following question has shoved it’s way to the front of my consciousness; “What’s the use?” My blog is by design a personal one, and I think my entries can generally be divided into three categories: Blunders, Beauties, and Explosions. Blunders are usually descriptions of events or embarrassing encounters, and feature me as a stunningly stumbling goon. Beauties emerge from the depths of my dreaminess- a long car ride or a surprising conversation with an unexpected sage draws out my inner poet, and I make tiny proclamations of basic goodness. Explosions are the result of heated emotion, when I find myself chronicling the depths of my eternal joy, despair, annoyance, etc., etc., ad nauseam.
But why? And for whom? Perfect Heart started as a way for me to keep in touch with far away friends, which set the tone of intimacy and exposure. I decided to bring my real-life personal quest to the internet- to be and present my most honest self in every circumstance. I was finishing up what I called my “mission” (in a sort of twisted shout-out to the mormons), a two year stint of self-testing and introspection that catalyzed in Ireland, where I had moved with no employment prospects or reliable contacts. But that’s another story. Basically, I returned to the States having “come of age” and needed a place to test my sea legs. No more claustrophobic turning-inward. Instead I would put it all Out There; the self I had discovered abroad. Perfect Heart embodied it all: “here I am, with all of my flaws, and it’s cool. I’m not going to flinch, or hate myself for being imperfect.” And my friends read it and stayed my friends, and it really did help me stay in touch with them, and I didn’t feel like a phony at all.
Then there was Ultimate Blogger 1, and my move to Urban Honking, which meant a boost in readership, for better or worse. People I knew vaguely or not at all would see me pop up on the blog roll from their desks at work and idly skim my latest crisis or trauma. Trolls from as far as Chicago and New York started lurking under my bridge, reaching up every now and then to grab my ankle and give me a little shake. Finally, last month a classic case of careful-what-you-wish-for was granted in the form of a Willamette Week article that punchily pegged me “anxiety-ridden.” Which has of course made me anxious!
So now I’m dogged by “what’s the use?” I guess the real question is, “who is it for?” Is Perfect Heart still primarily for me and my closest friends, but available to any voyeur who wants to sneak a peak? Is it okay for a blog on a popular server to have such a narrow audience? Do I need to move with the times, or something? I feel that my entries in the past few months have been pretty listless. I need to either recommit to my initial mission, or take a sabbatical and return with something broader. Is this something all bloggers go through? Periodic existential crises? Do you ever get bored of your own blog?
Mikey asked me, if Urban Honking was a Cable Network, what slot would my blog fill. Digest would be the Food Network, Greatest Band of All Time a much-improved VH1, etc. I think the Willamette Week was pretty dead-on when they compared me to My So-Called Life. Is there a place for that in 21st Century entertainment? Am I deluding myself, and Perfect Heart is actually Lifetime, or worse, the Oxygen network? Oh god. I will never write another word if this is true. It’s so hard to think about my blog as a commodity! I feel sort of woozy as I try to consider what niche I’m filling and how much market forces should influence the content of my very personal personal blog.
Have I outgrown Perfect Heart, as it was originally designed? Or more bizarrely, has it outgrown me?
