Every time I think about blogging lately the following question has shoved it’s way to the front of my consciousness; “What’s the use?” My blog is by design a personal one, and I think my entries can generally be divided into three categories: Blunders, Beauties, and Explosions. Blunders are usually descriptions of events or embarrassing encounters, and feature me as a stunningly stumbling goon. Beauties emerge from the depths of my dreaminess- a long car ride or a surprising conversation with an unexpected sage draws out my inner poet, and I make tiny proclamations of basic goodness. Explosions are the result of heated emotion, when I find myself chronicling the depths of my eternal joy, despair, annoyance, etc., etc., ad nauseam.
But why? And for whom? Perfect Heart started as a way for me to keep in touch with far away friends, which set the tone of intimacy and exposure. I decided to bring my real-life personal quest to the internet- to be and present my most honest self in every circumstance. I was finishing up what I called my “mission” (in a sort of twisted shout-out to the mormons), a two year stint of self-testing and introspection that catalyzed in Ireland, where I had moved with no employment prospects or reliable contacts. But that’s another story. Basically, I returned to the States having “come of age” and needed a place to test my sea legs. No more claustrophobic turning-inward. Instead I would put it all Out There; the self I had discovered abroad. Perfect Heart embodied it all: “here I am, with all of my flaws, and it’s cool. I’m not going to flinch, or hate myself for being imperfect.” And my friends read it and stayed my friends, and it really did help me stay in touch with them, and I didn’t feel like a phony at all.
Then there was Ultimate Blogger 1, and my move to Urban Honking, which meant a boost in readership, for better or worse. People I knew vaguely or not at all would see me pop up on the blog roll from their desks at work and idly skim my latest crisis or trauma. Trolls from as far as Chicago and New York started lurking under my bridge, reaching up every now and then to grab my ankle and give me a little shake. Finally, last month a classic case of careful-what-you-wish-for was granted in the form of a Willamette Week article that punchily pegged me “anxiety-ridden.” Which has of course made me anxious!
So now I’m dogged by “what’s the use?” I guess the real question is, “who is it for?” Is Perfect Heart still primarily for me and my closest friends, but available to any voyeur who wants to sneak a peak? Is it okay for a blog on a popular server to have such a narrow audience? Do I need to move with the times, or something? I feel that my entries in the past few months have been pretty listless. I need to either recommit to my initial mission, or take a sabbatical and return with something broader. Is this something all bloggers go through? Periodic existential crises? Do you ever get bored of your own blog?
Mikey asked me, if Urban Honking was a Cable Network, what slot would my blog fill. Digest would be the Food Network, Greatest Band of All Time a much-improved VH1, etc. I think the Willamette Week was pretty dead-on when they compared me to My So-Called Life. Is there a place for that in 21st Century entertainment? Am I deluding myself, and Perfect Heart is actually Lifetime, or worse, the Oxygen network? Oh god. I will never write another word if this is true. It’s so hard to think about my blog as a commodity! I feel sort of woozy as I try to consider what niche I’m filling and how much market forces should influence the content of my very personal personal blog.
Have I outgrown Perfect Heart, as it was originally designed? Or more bizarrely, has it outgrown me?
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I think we blog because we have to. What we blog and how we blog is secondary to that. You shouldn’t feel like you have to blog or you have to cover this or that or fill a niche… you should blog what you want and when you want to.
Now, if you want certain things from your blog… then I think there are a lot of aspects to think about, and a lot of changes you could make to meet those needs. But it doesn’t seem like you want to have a “popular” blog, or become an expert in an field… or any of the things I usually think of as the plus sides to blogging.
In your very first entry you said, ” I want to entertain. … I have great stories. I will create links.” Which I think is a great “mission” for blogging. :)
I don’t know if I have any answers for you, Willow. For me, I mostly just blog for me. Just to write something and try and write it well, but also to feel somewhat connected as I’m writing–hard to do when just journaling.
Your writing as of late has been a little less revealing about your life than usual, and I’m wondering if you’re avoiding certain topics purposely. Most of the time I avoid blogging about B. because it’s so hard to walk that line between your life and your partner’s privacy.
Yes, there are trolls. But there are people whose presence I also really appreciate and relate to, like Piu piu. And there’s blogs I follow simply for the connection, to see what someone else is going through, and why they do what they do. It’s like a vast collection of short stories.
I actually wouldn’t compare your blog to any TV show at all. I would compare it more to a short story collection–TV is too consumable and I think your blog is more interesting and thought provoking than most TV. TV for me is entertainment, mostly silly and stupid, but I think your blog is valuable and has value in and of itself. No matter the time period or whatever. But if it doesn’t work for you anymore, then it doesn’t work. And maybe you can find another medium to express yourself in.
Sorry that was so fucking long! I’m on spring break and have a lot of free time!
I think we mostly blog for ourselves. For me, it’s a mix between chronicling my own life (sometimes I think it’d be cool for my kids to someday be able to look back on what their dad did/felt), keeping in touch with friends/family, relieving stress, expressing creativity, and crying for attention.
And I wouldn’t so much compare it to tv as much as I would compare it to books and/or music. If I had to make a tv comparison, though, you’d be a reality show on Bravo, I think….either that or TLC. I think those would fit you the best.
this got me thinking — maybe an equally revealing question is “why do the rest of us NOT blog?”
i tried at one point (1998.. mind you before the word “blog” was coined), and hated it. (for the curious, you can see the page in all its glory at http://scribble.com/uwi/uwi/weekly-log.html.)
to be sure, there is a spectrum of public “presenters”, and people are driven by different reasons to put out chunks of words. why dont i? and what (if anything) would start me doing it?
i shall leave these are rhetorical questions to myself (perhaps answered in person at the cafe?), or as an excercise to the reader, if applicable.
sometimes you go through periods where it just isnt happening. when i came to the states i couldnt blog. at all. not entirely sure why….maybe because i felt more exposed than i wanted to be…meeting people who could and would read my blog- which was a new experience for me, and an offputting one too. Since then I’ve found it harder to blog than previously. Also, my life is going through a very stagnant few weeks of sitting around at home a lot being broke, and i feel completely uninspired!
anyways. i guess if you want a break, than take it and see how u feel without the blog. it is an addiction, and even a responsibility and we all need a holiday sometimes!
There are a million types of blogs out there, and you have to realize that your type–the peek into someone else’s life and thoughts–are just as valued by lots of people as other types of blogs. You’re allowed to have a crisis of faith or nothing to write about, but you’re not allowed to undervalue the strength of your writing or underestimate people’s general nosiness :-)
dearest willow,
please remember that without your lovely blog we would not have been internet friends who became friends in real life! and, of course, it is your place to decide what you’d like to do, but it is really nice as a far away friend to be able to read some things about what you are thinking. plus i think that you are amazing and i cannot wait to do some crazy performances with you this summer!
i love you!
Wow!
Such rad, thoughtful responses. Thanks, friends.
I’m not going to stop blogging- I’m too vain for that. And to be honest, once I brought up the idea of changing the focus of Perfect Heart I immediately felt adrift. What else would I write about, if not my feelings? :-) I’m still working it out, I guess.
It’s cool to hear from some experienced personal bloggers. i sort of forgot that it’s okay to write first and foremost for myself; that it can still be interesting to other people if my writing is strong enough. And it’s cool that non-bloggers are into it too. Allison- I can’t imagine not having you as a real/cyber friend, even if it takes me forever to write you back. You knew me before you knew me, and I’m so into that! Now I’m your fan, too.
I’ve got a lot to think about. But I love you, dudes. Thanks for being nice.
I don’t know about “what’s the use” as far as your personal objectives with your blog. but as a distant reader that doesn’t know you outside of reading your blog, i enjoy it and read it regularly. i can’t really say why. I don’t know. but i hope that you don’t stop blogging. maybe blog somewhere that is not as public as urbanhonking? if that is the source of your misgivings.
I’m a couple of days late on the commenting thing. This may be weird since I only read and don’t actually know you, but that’s what they’re here for, right? I read blogs in general because I like hearing about what other people are going through and where they are in life. I’m almost positive that I found you through Urban Honking, but with the rate of my clicking, I can’t totally be sure. Because of Perfect Heart I had the chance to email you and ask questions about Portland and you were nice enough to answer me back. Isn’t that some kind of blog success story?
I don’t have any words of wisdom on blogging. Mine only started about two months ago. I like telling stories and it gives me an outlet to ramble, without seeing the look of confusion and boredom on people’s faces. I can also continue to think I’m being hilarious, even if I’m not. Maybe you haven’t outgrown it, but the important things in your life have changed. Your focus has shifted and Perfect Heart needs to move with it.
You’re doing good work and if anything you’ve convinced me that Portland is a great place. Now if only there were more jobs for librarians…