personal day

It is 12:23pm and I am not at work. I am at the Fresh Pot after taking a cool morning walk around the neighborhood with my friend Steve. My mentor teacher encouraged me to take the day off to prepare for my interviews tomorrow. And also because I had an anxiety attack yesterday. Yup. I was filling out an application online, not actively thinking about stressful/sad things, and suddenly I got tunnel vision and my heart started pounding, and I got dizzy and nauseous and had to lie down for 40 minutes or so. The party is simply never-ending, here in the Heart Land.
I’m so stubborn, and at the same time so idealistic. The circular thoughts and conversations I’ve been having are almost comical.
Friend: It’s for the best, Willow. It wasn’t good for you.
WIllow: Yeah, but it was almost good.
F: But it wasn’t.
W: But it could have been really, really good. There were times when it was pretty darn good.
F: Things were not getting better.
W: But I really wanted them to get better!
F: Uh huh.
W: I BELIEVED in this relationship!
F: Right. But things were getting worse.
W: Right. But I really really REALLY wanted them to get better.
At which point my friend’s head explodes. Or I get a slap. Okay, neither of those things, but I’m sure it’s exasperating. It’s just so hard, on the one hand, to let go of the fun times we had together and the feelings we felt. But it’s almost harder to let go of the potential- the dates and projects and trips that were on the horizon- the closeness that might have expanded. I’m not quite able yet to look at the cost of that potential, I guess.
The result of all of this is that I’m lashing out at my friends. Not my real life friends, but rather my news source friends- NPR and the New Yorker. I know that many of you have heard me sing the praises of these beloved companions, but right now I hate them both. New Yorker? I don’t care about cannibalism right now. My heart hurts and I simply don’t want to think about mothers eating their babies back in pioneer times, okay? You know I read you cover to cover and that an article like this would make me feel really weird. Show a little sensitivity why don’t you. Give me a nice Ian Frazier piece on hot air balloons or something. I don’t even want to start on the pig carving article. Very inappropriate. And NPR! I listen to you on my way to work, on my way home from work, and whenever I am in my room, including while I sleep at night. I am very loyal. But you have been BORING me recently! I wait and I wait for a Storycorps report, and it never comes, and then I think I’m going to get a cool “This I Believe” segment, and nothing. Not even a teaser. Instead all I get is crappy Neil Conan going on and on about Iran and Bird Flu, and it’s just a downer, man. All of Terry Gross’ interviews have been lame lately, and those evening music programs are pretty poor. I know it’s my own fault that I haven’t been up in time for “This American Life” in a while, but sheesh. You’d think you could air it a couple more times. I mean, if you do the Car Guys that courtesy… I need my soul to be stirred right now, and all you guys give me is bad news and stuff I don’t care about. Man, if the tape deck in my car worked right now, you’d so be history.
INTERVIEW UPDATE!!!
The interview that I spent the bulk of the day preparing for has been cancelled. The school secretary just called me and told me that some things have shifted in the district and they have to hold off on interviewing new hires for a little bit longer.
Everything is coming up Willow!