away with the indie rock archtype

My new ERF (Exclusive Relationship Friend, as his brother has titled it) who will heretofore be referred to as HMS ARK ROYAL, is participating in a bizarre food consumption challenge, in which he is racing against a coworker to lose 30 pounds in 3 months. Or rather, HRS ARK ROYAL is losing, coworker is gaining. 30. They are documenting their gains/losses for our viewing pleasure. While I am highly amused by this endeavor, I am also (jokingly) concerned! I have spent the bulk of my adult life dating tall, skinny, boney boys with glasses and too-short sleeves on their frayed western shirts. (These boys are semi-employed, semi-drunk, semi-angsty, but to their credit, generally talented at something.) I am finally ERing a man who is able physically lift me, whose shoulder doesn’t hurt my face with it’s bones when I lay my cheek there, and what happens? He starts eating celery for dinner!! He literally ATE CELERY FOR DINNER TONIGHT!!! And he is talking about fitness now, too! What am I going to do? It’s only a matter of time before he wastes away to nearly nothing and I will be forced to carry him around in my purse.
Egad! Will my Indie Rock past continue to haunt me for all of my days? Hey, Universe! That’s not my TYPE anymore! Stop trying to stick me with the skinnies!!
At this rate I’ll have to swap HRS ARK ROYAL out for his coworker by March. If I’m lucky he’ll keep on gaining. I’m with Rebecca. I want a polar bear boyfriend.