here we come around again

I lost my Dear Nora CD a few months ago, and have been really bummed about it. Mountain Rock. I need it! Steve burned me a copy a couple of days ago, and I have been listening to it pretty much nonstop since. Oh God! I love it so much! I want to start a Dear Nora cover band called Dear Katy. Every song is beautiful and perfect. Listening to it brings back the most bittersweet memories of living in Ireland and missing Jake so viscerally. He came to visit me there and we rented a 4 Runner and drove all over the country singing along. It was really fun. There were many things wrong with our relationship, and there were so many times when we just didn’t get each other at all. But whenever we were on the road together singing Dear Nora or Grateful Dead or Bruce Springsteen songs, we were such a tight couple. We made each other laugh.
I sent him a Christmas card last week. I haven’t talked to him since August when he bailed at the last minute on a trip to Portland to talk about getting back together. I think he thinks I have hard feelings about that, but really I don’t. I think of him with utter fondness, and I’m thankful for the good times and the tough times. I’ve been staring at this screen for the last 10 minutes, trying to figure out how to explain why I am so thankful. I think mostly it’s because it was all so real, and we tried so hard. And I know that whoever comes next I’ll be a really good partner to, because Jake taught me how. So yeah, I’m not mad or hurt. Instead I’m grateful, (and occasionally wistful) and I’m really ready to be his friend. So I sent him a card, and hopefully he’ll see through my abrupt contact and awkward phrasing and feel ready to be friends with me too. I miss him.
(This is the kind of entry that makes me really nervous, and I get tempted to delete it right away. But the laws of perfect heart insist that I post every embarrassing/earnest thing that pops into my brain, so I force myself to let it stand. Masochistic? Maybe.)