November 2005 Archives

My lord, was this weekend ever festive! In addition to Thanksgiving Day mishaps and high-stakes betting, I also enjoyed:
* Going to Vancouver, WA to see Goblet of Fire
* Getting a belly ache from too much egg nog, but then drinking more egg nog anyway
* Finishing my VERY LAST bit of homework for the Fall Term!!! No more studying until January, yo!
* Hanging out with Ganja and then going to an art opening at this elite office store called "Office," becoming incredibly enraptured by an antique adding machine, also playing Solitaire on my cell phone because my friends were clearly avoiding me (or so I thought in the moment)
* Going to Portland Meadows- the horse track near the river. Did I win big monies? I did. 16 dollars big! Go go, lucky seven!
* Spending lots of time in my little nest-room, hanging holiday lights and raging the space heater
* Other fun stuff

So I capped off the lovely weekend by watching the Outsiders with Steve last night and drinking Coke with Lime, which kept me up even later. I was meant to get up at 6:50 this morning in order to pick up my carpool at 7:30. At 7:15 she called me to see if I wanted to work out after school. I was still sleeping. The alarm did not go off. The party was officially over. I mumbled something to the effect of, "Work out? No. What time is it? Fuck." How do they let a lady as irresponsible as me become a teacher? What kind of people do they have working for the Licensure board? Where are your tax dollars going? These are the questions you should be asking yourself right about now.

Finally, let me transcribe the conversation I had with the twins last night as I was reading them a bedtime story:

Amedeo: Your boobs are big.
Willow: (noncommital noise, continues to read Cheerio story)
Amedeo: Your boobs are bigger than my mom's boobs.
Willow: (appropriating the language used by the parents) That's my privacy, buddy. Let's just read this story, okay?
Amedeo: I'm gonna chop your boob off!
Eban: (giggles helplessly)
Willow: Buddy, that's not a nice thing to say at all!

What do I do? They are only 3 years old! Children are jerks.

Steve made this for me.
Thanks, Steve!

Highlights:
* Before guests arrived, frantically cleaning the kitchen, listening to Mr. Bob Dylan.
* Wearing my Thanksgiving dress (past 5 years, only on T-Day).
* Braving the crowds at Fred Meyer with Steve and Amedeo (one of the little dudes I live with).
* Friends knocking on my door.
* The following exchange:
Willow: Man! Why is this pie so bad? I made it last year and it was delicious!
Mike: Well, I am very glad I didn't eat your pie last year because I am really enjoying this pie, and if I'd eaten better pie last year I might not love this pie quite as much.
* Holding hands and giving thanks- hearing what my friends are thankful for (Mike= Internet).
* Eyes too big for stomach.
* Texas Hold 'Em in my living room.
* Bowling with Bros, drinking Budweiser.

Lowlights:
* Hitting the wall in the kitchen- unable to cook anymore! (Jessica bailed me out. Thank you!)
* Being hit in the head by Steve's flying phone.
* My Terrible Toast- trying to praise each of my guests individually, but inadvertently insulting all of them. And then the food got cold. Oh god.
* Clean up the day after.

All in all it was a great time. My guests were generous, helpful, and understanding.

I just got back from a show at the Holocene- Rebecca's friend from Las Vegas is in a band called Phosphorescent (I think that is what they are called.) It was unusually quiet there tonight. Obviously many Portland partiers were out of town for uh, out of town parties. Holidays. You know. They did this weird thing where they filled the whole space with small tables- two chairs apiece. It was very loungey, which was somewhat inappropriate for the psychedelic jams, but whatever. Halfway through the set, this tall lanky dude in loose red pants and a blue tank top started dancing with his limbs all a-flailing. Mind you, he was the only dude STANDING, let alone dancing. Rebecca and I realized that that is just the Holocene way. No matter what band is playing, be they electronic, metal or folky, there is always one lone hippie feeling the vibes. Sometimes it is a lady- braless and barefoot. Sometimes it is a man- tan and smiling.

Rebecca and I did some drinking- whisky for her, gin for me. The show ended and we were waiting around for her friend to finish loading up his stuff. At this point the place was almost empty. There were about eight people there total, all connected to the band in some way. We were bored and sort of tipsy, so we hit the dance-floor, impressing each other with our awesome moves. Then we were joined by the hippie. And then by his two hippie friends. There was much stretching and reaching coming from that end of the dance floor. We were more about the shimmies and kicks. But still... My question is: Is this how it starts? Is this how Holocene dancers are bred? Are Rebecca and I one step away from broomstick skirts and spagetti-strap tanks, communing with the music through the movement of our bodies? Oh god.

Lately I've been feeling like I need a second, secret blog to let all of my messy bits out. I feel like I've become too self-conscious in Perfect Heart because I know so many of my readers. Like, I don't talk about my crushes because not only do they read Perfect, but so do their friends. And I don't mention sex or talk shit like I used to because I feel the compulsion to be likable, which translates to boring sometimes. I'm burying this confession at the bottom of a silly entry on Thanksgiving Eve, knowing that fewer people than normal will read it. The thing is, Perfect Heart (the concept which includes but is not limited to this blog) is about transparency and against self-censureship. I need to stop acting composed and just let my sloppy, trouble-prone, boy crazy self out, and in the process liven up this place. Secret blog? Fuck that noise. What do I have to be ashamed of? In that spirit, here are two confessions:
1. I have snuggle relationship with a dude who is in love with another lady, which would be fine with me if he didn't talk about her so much. When we are snuggling. I mean, honestly. I don't want to be this man's girlfriend or have his babies or anything, but while I am in his bed I would prefer not to hear about his long-distance pining. Love the one your with, man. Right?
2. Remember when I blogged about being drunk the other night with my old roommates? And I bought a nightgown? Right. Well, what I didn't mention was that I unerotically kissed this man who drives a motorcycle and who has had the hots for me since I moved back to Portland. Why was it unerotic? Because the girls pressured me into doing it, and it was at the bar, and the man was extremely uncomfortable, and sober, though willing. And I was not into him. So why did I do it? I don't know! Because kissing is nice and the holidays are upon us, and I literally have no prospects. Every boy I might like is either in love with someone else, or just recovering from being in love with someone else. Steve and I talked earlier, and he was like, "why are you so grouchy about this? Aren't you happy without a man?" And he's totally right. I am so happy with my life right now. I love the amount of time I spend with Steve and Reba, and I love the groove I'm in with my other friends- once a week or so with Nicole, and Liz and Justin are both getting back in the mix. So why and I even sweating it? Well, for one, as mentioned earlier, I am boy crazy. Always have been. For two, it is the holiday time, which makes me crave a man's touch. And three, I am stuck in some anti-feminist vacuum that has permanently linked my sense of self-worth to the attentions of men-folk. This is getting much better as the years go on, but it is still a presence. And also, kissing is fun! So is snuggling! So is s-e-x!

So there you have it. My completely un-Perfect Heart, my drunken blogging that I will either delete in the morning or bury even deeper under inane Top 5's and TV talk. I gotta find a better balance though. Perfect Heart needs to reflect my whole self, not just my cheery put-together self. I'll work it out. I have to go to sleep now. I must cook a feast tomorrow. Adieu.

Top 5 things I eat during a normal week:
* yogurt
* coffee
* sandwich
* burrito
* pizza

Top 5 things I eat on Thanksgiving (very traditional):
* sweet potato
* mashed potato
* pumpkin pie
* cranberry sauce
* wine

Top 5 favorite holiday songs:
* That Joni Mitchell one that goes "I'm so hard to handle I'm selfish and I'm sad, and now I've gone and lost the best baby that I ever had. Oh I wish I had a river, I could skate away on. I made my baby say goodbye!" Pretty cheerful.
* White Christmas
* Winter Wonderland
* Let It Snow
* The Charlie Brown Theme Song

Top 5 Christmas Movies/movies I have watched on Christmas:
* It's A Wonderful Life
* Charlie Brown Christmas
* Harold and Maude
* Royal Tenenbaums
* Amelie

Top 5 things I need to buy this holiday weekend:
* Birthday present for Nicole (belated)- Powells
* Wedding gift for Jay and Renee (belated)- Meyer and Frank
* Baby shower gift for Zalika- Target
* Holiday Cards- Powells
* New day planner- Powells

Top 5 presents I asked for for Hannukah/Christmas from my mom:
* ipod
* New Yorker complete archives on DVD
* Cowgirl boots
* Laptop bag
* Gift Certificate to Tattered Cover Book Store in Denver

Top 5 presents that I will most likely receive from my mom:
* New Yorker complete archives on DVD
* pajamas
* ill-fitting cardigan sweaters with embroidered flowers
* a watch
* gloves

Top 5 gifts I will give this year:
* Nikki McClure calendars
* Scarves knitted by me
* Mix tapes
* Face cream (mom)
* Book/CD related to Ireland (dad)

Top 5 New Years Resolutions for 2005:
* One drive free day per week (no)
* Pay off credit card balance (yes but then created new debt)
* Save some money (yes but then spent it)
* Learn to knit (yes)
* Write every day (almost)

Top 5 Resolutions for 2006:
* One drive free day per week
* Pay off credit card balance
* Save some money
* Learn to knit more that just scarves
* Get a teaching job

What do I do now?

1. My sweet friend Moose sent me a 10 disc personal musicology with accompanying prose. In it he charts the major musical influences in his life, starting with his brothers back in North Carolina, and moving across years and landscapes to the present. I was surprised and honored to find a couple of pages devoted to me and my undying love for Yo La Tengo and That Dog. He says that the first time he saw me I was wearing corduroys and a light blue Built to Spill tee shirt. I think that is such an awesome way to sum me up! The point is Moose's ambitious and wonderful project has cemented him in my highest esteem (where honestly he dwelt already). The only problem is choosing a disc for my drive to school. They are all VERY good.

2. I think that the movie Reality Bites came into my life at just the pivotal "coming of age" moment that it seeped into my subconscious and took hold. So that now when I think of the ideal boyfriend, I picture Ethan Hawke taking the heavy bag off of Winona Ryder's tired shoulder and slinging it onto his own. That one gesture has always stuck in my mind. Even though Ethan Hawke was a terrible boyfriend to Winona, and she was pretty whiny and annoying if we are going to be completely honest here. Anyway. Future boyfriends beware! I have a heavy backpack and high expectations!

3. I bought the most wonderful light blue corduroy down vest yesterday. (Wait! I'm having weird blog deja vu!) It is the nicest, most cozy item of clothing I have ever owned.

4. I am working in a performance piece for Jona's birthday show. I will post details as I receive them. I am terribly excited.

5. The other night I did a lot of drinking, which resulted in the following embarrassing occurrences:
* Bought a nightgown at Anthropologie that at the (drunken) time I was certain I could wear as a dress. Drunk girlfriends egged me on. Rest assured I cannot wear it as a dress. It is clearly a nightgown.
* Crashed a moustache/nintendo party at Panic with said drunk friends. Made many mustachioed men uncomfortable.
* Got pressured (by girlfriends) into unerotically kissing a mutual (sober) friend on the mouth.
* Went to roommates birthday party at My Father's Place, revealed many intimate/hilarious details of my sex life to different drunk friends. Resulted in next-day hungover apology. Very embarrassed.

I'm off to the fabric store, then homework, then Ladies Poker Night. All of these events will occur whilst wearing my new vest. Mmm. Heaven.

1. My sample is just a hair shy of being completely finished. Phew! I really knuckled down today and cranked out some lesson plans, which feels really good. Now I just have some finishing work to take care of- cosmetic stuff mostly. I feel like a little bunny that just lost the fox that was on it's tail, but is still all tensed up just in case. I know I am out of harm's way, but I'm still breathing hard, you know? Once I turn the damn thing in tomorrow morning I think I'll be pretty giddy.

2. Remember my Long Lost Friends entry a couple of months ago? Well! Last week one of those friend, Darcy, emailed me! It turns out she had googled one of the other people on my list and found my blog, and then found her name, and then voila! She emailed me! It totally worked, dudes! Darcy is doing well- married and happy. We are hopefully going to get together when I am home for Christmas. I am so excited to see her and get all caught up. How about that, huh?

3. My new blog design looks great. But you already know that.

4. My weird adult onset acne seems to be clearing up, thank the lord. I don't know which, if any, of the thousand tiny adjustments to my diet/beauty routine/fluid intake did the trick, but hey, I ain't looking a gift horse in the mouth. I'm just effing relieved, man.

5. This weekend I'm going to do many fun things that are not my work sample like: ladies poker night, Pride & Predjudice (stage production), LOST, and beers with Jeff (another long lost friend who found me via my blog!)

6. I am now more than halfway through my Masters' program! Whoop whoop!

My giant work sample is do on Wednesday.

*"What is a work sample?" you ask.
Well, let me tell you. It is a ten lesson math unit that Willow will teach to a class of third graders in January.

*The thrilling topic?
Nonstandard measurement.

*Willow's stress level?
High.

*But isn't Willow a first grade teacher?
Yes.

*So why does she have to teach math to intermediary students, when she is in line to be a primary teacher?
Ask the licenture board, man. I don't effing know!

*Does she just have turn in ten lesson plans and call it a day?
Ha! She wishes! In addition to ten lesson plans, meticulously copied into insanely redundant standard lesson plan templates, she also has to write about four miles of justifications for every choice she makes, as well as contingency plans should a spaceship land on top of the school, and aliens take over Portland, and Willow's lessons must be relocated to outerspace. Willow must include adjustments and modifications for any and all eventualities.

*Did she put this unit off until the last possible minute?
Yes. In fact, she is taking tomorrow off work to complete it.

*Is she currently procrastinating by writing this (probably boring for all readers) entry?
Yes, she is.

*How many times has she considered dropping out of school to go live with the fairies because this is so stressful and difficult?
Um, about eighty times. No, wait. Ninety.
*******************************************************************************************************

Okay. I just had to get that out of my system. So hey, what do you think of my hot new look? Good friend Rebecca helped me "jazz up" Perfect Heart, and I for one am REALLY into it! I know that it sort of hurts your eyes if you scroll down real fast, but other than that it's cool. Thanks, Rebecca!

It was raining, so I jumped over this puddle:

But then my shoe flew off, and slid under this fence, which had barbed wire on top:

My feet looked like this:

We couldn't reach it with our hands, so Rebecca went in search of a broom.

Success!

Just then my friend Ryan walked up. He thought we were crazy.

Rebecca saved my shoe:

Thanks, Rebecca!

Then we returned the broom to the video store.

These dudes were pretty cool.

This is a true story!

I would love to take this moment to write a clever, witty post about my workout tonight at the college weight room. How I checked out a tiny towel, how I read an US magazine on the elliptical machine-cover to cover! How when I was showering afterwards, many fully dressed- and I'm talking high-heeled boots and winter coats- women kept walking through the shower room. Like, maybe getting sprayed by my shower. Because, you know, it was a SHOWER ROOM!

But I am too worn out to be clever and witty. Sorry.

Wednesdays are such long days for me!! So many classes!!

Wow. I really got nothing tonight. I guess I have no choice but to redeem myself with cute pictures of my 1st grade classroom.

Here are some self-portraits.

And this is "Number Corner."

And um, the blocks.

Maybe blogging on Wednesdays is a bad idea. Sorry.

Hi. As you can tell, we are experiencing some changes here at Perfect Heart. As they say at the Lloyd Center Mall, "Please excuse our mess as we renovate!" (I don't know if they really say this. But their renovations are very messy.) Also, "This business will remain open during construction!" I think you get it.

I went to see the Little Wings play last night. It was so bittersweet. He played some songs I really really love, and they sounded great. But there was so much missing. I want Kyle Field from summer 2002 to come back. I want reggae jams and holy feelings. It was nice to see Adam, Phil, Adrian and Kyle all playing together, though. That part was pretty magical, I guess.

SPOILER ALERT!!!! IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN SHOP GIRL, SKIP DOWN A LITTLE BIT. OK. COOL. ACTUALLY, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, THERE IS NOT MUCH TO SPOIL IN THIS ENTRY. YOU CAN READ IT THROUGH IF YOU WANT, EVEN IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE. OK.

Last night Rebecca, Steve and I went to see Shop Girl in Vancouver, WA. I was supposed to go to poker night at Liz's, but she wasn't feeling well, so we cancelled. Strangely, I ended up playing poker at a party later in the night. I lost $5.

Anyway, I loved Shop Girl. It was such a quiet, honest film. It was beautifully acted, and I am now pretty in love with Claire Danes, Steve Martin, and Jason Schwartzman. And Los Angeles. And the lifestyles of the pretty darn wealthy. The Claire Danes character was so realistic to me. I related to her in the same way I relate so deeply to Franny Glass and Edna St Vincent Millay. She's an intelligent, deep feeling lady who is only partially understood by the men who love her. Both of her beaus offer her a different kind of comfort, but neither can offer her true companionship. I guess the ending is pretty happy, but it seems sort of like wishful thinking, considering which man she chose. (See? No spoilers here!)

I just reread that paragraph, and it seems sort of emo. I've been having a hard time in the crush department since Jake broke up with me, I think. It's like they are intense but only last a little tiny while, or they are sort of half crushes, and I spend a lot of time trying to pump myself up on them. Which is dumb. I keep thinking that one of these days I will be knocked down by a sudden crush on a special man, but so far I've had no luck. So many of my friends from Denver are married, and very happily. And while I admire them and love them so fiercely, that life seems so many million years away from me! I can barely find a fella I want to make out with, forget about marriage! It's all very strange.

I've been spending a lot of time with Rebecca, Steve and Ganja. And right now, that's all the love I need.

(Oh, by the way! If you would like to hear the sexiest mix tape ever made, come ride around in my car! Internet friend Allison sent me this fabulous gem. Thanks, Allison!)

Remember that part in The Graduate, when Mrs. Robinson is tricking/beginning to seduce Ben? And he keeps calling her out on it, and she denies it, and then he gets all embarassed? And it is so unbearably uncomfortable? And then she has him come upstairs to look at Elaine's portrait, and when he turns around she's naked? And she says, "I want you to know that I am available to you, Benjamin?"

That part is so amazing.

I pretty much love Mrs. Robinson, even though she is a bitch. It takes some kind of nerve to seduce a boy your daughter's age! And I love that line- "I want you to know that I am available to you." It totally trumps my "do you maybe want to make out a little right now?" And I think her character is really well developed. I love it when they are lying in bed at the hotel, and Ben starts asking her questions about herself, and she's getting pissed off, and then she suddenly gets so vulnerable when he asks what she majored in. Art. She's facing the camera, and her face is so wrought, but he can't see it, and so he just keeps on yammering. I would argue that that moment is the most dynamic in the whole film. Or the most illuminating. Or something. Anyway, I love it.

I haven't watched The Graduate in a while. I was just thinking about it.

All of my students were ridiculously amped up on sugar today, in addition to being completely sleep-deprived. It's like the 1st Grade hangover. Go go Halloween! Every kid had some frantic, endless story to tell me about trick-or-treating. But the most excited kid, the kid who had to tell me his story twice because he was so excited was Conner. A man placed crackers in Conner's trick-or-treat bag. Crackers!?! To a seven year old boy, this is the weirdest, most hilarious thing that could ever happen. In fact, the first time he told me about the crackers, he could barely get the story out, he was giggling so much. The second time, he showed me the crackers. And then he ate them.