dateless wedding Q&A

Please allow me to anticipate your probing questions regarding my dateless attendance at last night’s wedding:
Q: Did you forget to turn off your cell phone, and did it ring during the ceremony?
A: Yes, and sadly, yes. Although my ringer sounds like windchimes which softens the blow a bit. Also I was able to frantically switch it iff after only 3-4 seconds. But still, right?
Q: Were you seated next to your enemy at the reception, as predicted in your last entry?
A: Of course I was.
Q: Did he become your defacto date for the evening, despite your mutual loathing?
A: Aaargh! Yes.
Q: Did he make snide comments about you hamming for the camera?
A: Yes he did.
Q: Did you make snide comments about him selling his soul for a little bit of cash? (He is a writer cum insurance guy.)
A: I did make snide comments, yes.
Q: But, in fairness, did he hold an umbrella over your head and bring you wine when your glass was empty?
A: Yes he did.
Q: And that was nice, right?
A: Whatever.
Q: Let’s talk dance floor. Did you do the electric slide and the hustle?
A: Yes. VERY poorly on both counts.
Q: And after a couple of glasses of wine did you become the classic wedding loser dancing with the ring bearers to Golden Oldies on an otherwise deserted dance floor?
A: Not for the whole time or anything! And Crista was with me for most of it! Oh forget it. I was that loser.

Q: But let me take this moment to remind our readers that you are, in fact, an EXTRORDINARILY good dancer.
A: Well. Thank you for that.
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Hopefully your burning questions have been answered. Here are a couple more anecdotes, though just in case:
*My friend Justin Sanders was the best man. We got to talking about toasts, and he told me he planned on “winging it.” Aghast, I forced him to go stand in the lobby and come up with a “thread” to wind through his speech, convincing him finally that “winging it” effectively equals “making a bad toast.” He found a thread, and his toast was fine.
*Dusty reported witnessing a very cinematic conversation between my enemy, Joe C., and a tall groomsman from Oklahoma. The DJ announced the last song, and I went to find my shoes along the dancefloor periphery.
Tall Groomsman to Joe C.: It’s the last song, man. Are you gonna dance with her, or am I?
Joe C.: What?
Groomsman: Listen, brother. This is my last night in town. If you don’t go ask her to dance right now, I’m going to. So what’s it gonna be?
According to Dusty Joe just turned around and beelined over to me. He arrived just as I was putting on my shoes.
Joe C.: That tall dude wants a piece of you (or some similarly crass comment.)
Willow: That’s because I’m so good looking. (Thinking Joe is making some weird mean joke.)
Joe and Willow slow dance to “You Light Up My Life,” or some other such nonsense. It is awkward and funny.
Q: Do you have a hangover?
A: Please turn the lights off and bring me some coffee.