I think all single people should have cards printed up with their phone numbers on one side, and their Issues listed on the other. When they meet a crush they can hand over their card and sidestep months of misunderstandings. Mine would say “Willow Wonder” on the front, and on the back:
1 Fear of Commitment
2 Only Child
3 Worrier
There could be fine print under each heading for qualifiers and clarifications. And maybe (to make this idea seem less emo) there could also be a Points of Pride list:
1 Good Communicator
2 Empathetic
3 Honest
We could avoid so much confusion and heartache! I could look at a card and see “Bad Communicator” on the back, and know I should stay away! Boom. And it wouldn’t just be for relationships. New friends could benefit as well. How about knowing right off the bat that someone is “Always Late,” or “Fair Weather?” You wouldn’t necessarily avoid that person, you just wouldn’t expect them to be on time or whatever. Or what about an emotional resume for job hunts? “Yells a Lot” would be good to know, or “Throws Away Stressful Projects,” or simply “Prefers to Eat Lunch Alone.”
What would your cards say, dear readers?
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Categories
Issues:
1. impossibly insecure
2. “emotionally slutty”
3. self-obsessed
Points of Pride:
1. not too over-confident
2. “open”
3. uh… good looking?
(I was like, “Only 3 bad things?!? I can’t narrow it down to only 3 bad things!)
Bad:
1. self-involved
2. seems trusting but actually is not
3. stubborn as all hell
Good
1. intelligent/thought-provoking
2. good planner/organizer
3. stubborn as all hell
…unless we were going for immediate practical value, in which case my bad list, based on prior dating experience, would have to go
1. bad at eating food
2. has phobias about drugs and alcohol
3. has phobias about pregnancy
This might keep people from actually saying to me on a 2nd date “You would look so cute pregnant,” on which I was _this_ close to running screaming from the room.
–
1. Won’t Answer Vmail
2. Must Stay Busy To Remain Happy
3. May Take You For Granted
+
1. Great On Email
2. Nice
3. Will Quickly Involve You In New Projects
Not single, but will make up a card for potential friends.
1. Very anxious
2. Dangerously cranky when stressed or depressed
3. High expectations of friends
But on the flip side…
1. Very reliable friend
2. Good empathizer and listener
3. Good for jokes and general cheer by poking fun at own self
– short attention span
– avoids conflict
– grammar nazi
+ optimistic
+ generous
+ easily amused
And Mikey, nice doesn’t count. I tell my kids on the first day of school, when they have to come up with words to describe themselves, that they aren’t allowed to use funny or nice.
– easily frustrated
– bad at conflict
– intolerant of Republicans and Christians
+ will cook you lots of good food and mix you good drinks
+ champion cuddler
+ not a drama queen
Positive:
1. Shuts down when feels threatened or is confronted with “issues”
2. Lots of ridiculous, slightly grouchy requirements for sleeping (socks even in the summer, digital clock has to be turned away, can’t be touched or snuggled, etc..)
3. Procrastinator
Negative:
1. When not feeling threatened, very understanding and emotionally intuitive
2. Your parents will love me
3. Generally sweet and affectionate when awake
Oh shit, I labeled them backwards!
Not what I meant, but I suppose funnier that way..
– more and more frequent grumpiness
– needs lots of alone time
– passes judgment too easily
+bearded
+no job
+handy
– has a hard time not keeping secrets from loved one
– sometimes messy?
– dreadfully forgetful
+ tries to be honest
+ thoughtful
+ hard-working
(my positives sound really dumb and simple…it’s all i could think of)
This is great guys. Thank you so much for being real.
And keep ’em coming!
1. awkward communicator
2. weird sexual background
3. dreamy (hopes set too high, maybe)
and
1. tender
2. soft
3. dreamy (hopes!)
NOTE:
There was a comment here for a few hours that I just erased, that had my name attached. It was a phony list that was really mean and petty, and though it was signed willowonder, it was in fact posted by none other than Joel Conrad Bechtolt. That’s right, folks. Thanks to sneaky detective work (under the primo tutilage of Mr Mike Merrill) I was able to identify the chronic Nasty Commenter. It should come as no surprise that our dear friend JCB is back on the scene and being a jerk.
We are taking prevetative action.
I’m really sorry Willow. I’m so embarrassed.
– worrier/overanalyzer.
– slightly uncomfortable speaking at audible levels.
– kind of messy.
+ honest.
+ sentimental.
+ also bearded and on top of email. mostly.
Not your fault, Jona! This does not reflect on you AT ALL! We love you!
I’d need more space than a card provides…
good-
1. spreads cheer.
2. intuitive/ good listener and rememberer.
3. gives good… presents.
not so good-
1. busy.
2. judgemental/ o.g. hater
3. insecure about everything
hmmm.
bad:
1. Not good at small talk.
2. Repeat stories without realizing it.
3. Feelings easily hurt by flakiness on the part of others.
good:
1. Will usually give you the benefit of the doubt.
2. Have long-term friend memory; will likely never forget you.
3. Good hugger.
potential friends card
This is harder than it sounds…
Negatives:
1. hopeless homebody – I may not call you for weeks at a time.
2. may take upwards of a year before I relax and become myself around you.
3. unhealthy need to please others and be liked.
Positives:
1. pretty easygoing – understanding and forgiving when people mess up.
2. effectionate
3. values “chill time” and “going out/crazy antics” equally – maybe leaning a little towards the chillin’.
Willow? Where art thou, oh Willow?
Hope everything is okay, darling.
-secret slob
-too busy
-can only remember punchlines but tries to tell jokes anyway
-good at getting a plan together
-will make you a birthday cake from scratch
-generally a “good time girl”
I love you guys.