heartbreak karma

I know that in the last few weeks I’ve been alluding to “crazy developments” in my romantic life. Many things barred me from blogging about it directly: my relationship with AJ (not wanting him to read things on Perfect Heart before I had the chance to tell him in person), pride (embarassed that I was still vulnerable and attached to my old relationship), and finally not wanting to jinx a reconciliation. You are probably going “huh?” right about now. Let me explain. My ex, Jake, and I have been earnestly trying to be friends since his visit here a couple months ago. It’s hard. Old feelings get stirred up- fond feelings, hurt feelings, hopeful feelings. The cummulative effect was that Jake decided to come visit me in Portland to determine what his feelings truly were, and to decide if he should move up here to be with me. Oh shit, right? Deep in my heart I knew I still loved him, but the aforementioned factors (boyfriend, pride, jinxes) made me build a wall. I tried not to think about his visit at all, tried not to get my hopes up or lose any of the ground I’d gained since the break up. Frankly I didn’t trust him. He hadn’t decided that he loved me and had made a terrible mistake, and was coming to Portland to win me back. He didn’t know how he felt about me, and was hoping that a trip to Portland might help him figure it out. Not terribly promising.
So anyway, he was supposed to be in Portland when I returned from Denver this weekend. But today I got an email saying that he wasn’t coming after all. He doesn’t need to see me to find out how he feels he knows. He doesn’t love me anymore. He respects me and cares for me and wants to be friends, but the our relationship is over. I just got off the phone with him (he called as I was writing this), and I feel okay. My hopes had gotten higher than I realized, and it was disappointing to not see them realized. But we had a great talk, and I know that it will be okay. He finally let go, and soon I will be able to too. We were young and we loved each other and we learned so much together, but in the end our destinys lie with other people. This is the first time I’ve actually acknowledged that. I think we’ll always be close. I hope so.
So that’s the update. I feel bad that I didn’t really address any of this in Perfect Heart until now. That sort of goes against my ideal of transparency in personal blogs. But too many people’s feelings were involved, and I didn’t want to unintentionally hurt anyone by purging my feelings in a public forum. I feel really insecure, even now, posting this. Really vulnerable. (Especially since I’ve been getting weird mean comments from strangers lately.) But my goal is to write about my life and myself honestly, even if it makes me look like a flake or a jerk.
I feel closure, finally. Ta da.