I wish I was a cosmonaut

I realize that it’s been a long time since I blogged about boys.
Here is a summary:
~I ran into the first Andrew on the street this weekend. We kissed for about four minutes. We did not discuss future dates or phone calls.
~There is a lover on my horizon who deeply values his privacy. I have always known this about him. This is why you haven’t heard much about him on Perfect Heart. But if I could I would write all the time about how excited and nervous I am to reunite with him this summer.
~A dear male friend confessed to me recently that he’ll never let himself get too close to me because of latent feelings he has for me. Whenever he has a girlfriend he goes MIA from my life entirely. This makes me so sad. Don’t we all have feelings for each other, on some level? If there is no risk of acting on them, what’s the harm in being friends? Doesn’t having extra-fondness for a friend make the friendship extra-special? I am being overly simplistic here, and possibly even dismissive. I just want to hang out with my friend unhindered.
~My former lover finally emailed me last week after two months of silence. It was rather small talky, but I can’t fault him for that. It took me a long time to figure out how to respond. I don’t know what I want from him, or what I am allowed to expect. I have so much anger, but I know down deep there is tenderness. Should I be his friend? Even if it reopens the wounds that have only just scabbed over? Even if he doesn’t deserve it? How can I let go of my resentment? What do we owe each other now? I responded last night, and I think my email was a sour mix of nonchalance, posturing, and needles. I don’t regret it yet. I probably will later.
~The second Andrew blew me off at a show last weekend, but it didn’t bother me much. A little bird told me he’s something of a “creepy skeez.”
So there it is. I am pretty deep in it all right now. I nurse this dream of partnership and love, but it’s like every choice I make leads me further from this ideal. I feel adrift.