show me the money

Well, i just found out that I didn’t get the $3000 scholarship I applied for. Grad programs for teachers are really stingy. It’s like they want to you to get used to having no money, so they don’t offer any grants or scholarships really. The consequence is that there are like, 50 applicants for one stupid $3000 scholarship for a program that costs 22 thousand, just for tuition. Grrr. If anyone is interested in being my patron, I’m taking applications now. Here are the requirements:
1) You pay my tuition, and put me up in a sweet apartment. Oh, and buy me a car. (It doesn’t have to be new or anything.)
2) You live in some other city, but fly in from time to time to lavish me with praise and take me out to delicious dinners.
3) You expect nothing from me but brilliance. (This is not a sexy patronage. Unless you are young and handsome. Then we can renegotiate.)
4) You use your fabulous connections to find me the prefect job at the perfect school upon graduation.
If you meet any or all of these qualifications, please contact me immediately. Thank you.