The Guard

Another great movie! I am really on a roll (not counting the last 30 minutes of “50 First Dates” I accidentally watched while on the stairmaster the other day)! And once again I agree with whatever jackass at the New Yorker reviewed this film, because it is truly a wonderful one. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. I graciously grant that truth to thee, David Denby. And to thee, Anthony Lane, I bequeath the all-new adage: “Even a sexist fake-British dillweed sometimes says something clever that you are forced to chuckle at.”

So yeah, “The Guard!” Well first of all, if you don’t like Brendan Gleeson then you are a horrible murdering robot monster who has never felt love in your heart. Brendan Gleeson?? Forget about it, with that guy! I mean, speaking of great mugs:

PLEASE give me a break with that face, sir! You are too lovely for words.

It is very fun to see Gleeson sort of branching out from the roles he’s been playing in his later life, with the exception of his weird role in the ABSOLUTE WORST MOVIE EVER, “Gangs of New York” by Martin Scorcese (talk about a stopped clock! There I said it), which is sort of “gentle giant fatherly figure,” sort of a sweet bemused older gent who bumbles about but is also wonderful. Ok I’m specifically thinking of him in “28 Days Later.”

But in “the Guard” he plays this very interesting character who is grouchy and mean and doesn’t give a shit but is also weirdly hyper-intelligent and very good at his job. The opening of the movie shows a bunch of dipshit Irish teens drinking and driving and then crashing their car right in front of Gleeson, who’s sitting in his cop car. He’s unimpressed, walking casually among all the strewn dead bodies kind of like “SIGH, now I have this shit to deal with.” He pats down one of the corpses and finds a random bag of pills, one of which he immediately pops into his mouth.

So at first you think he’s a sad hateful disillusioned cop with clearly some sort of terrible tragedy in his past that made him what he is–a clichéd figure to say the least–but as the movie goes on you slowly realize that’s not who he is at all. For one thing, he doesn’t seem to have any tragedy in his past. He has a rad mom who he loves and hangs out with and makes rowdy jokes with. He enjoys his times with fun-loving prostitutes from Dublin–there’s nothing sad or lonely about it. Actually he’s just kind of a weird brilliant misanthrope who’s not sweating it, and that is so much more awesome than what you think at first.

Then Don Cheadle shows up. GIVE ME ANOTHER BREAK, DON CHEADLE!!!!! Anyone who doesn’t love Don Cheadle is literally going to burn in hell for all eternity. How could you not love Don Cheadle??

So then it becomes a lovely little odd couple-buddy cop situation with these two hilarious guys solving drug murders and such. Through Don Cheadle is how we realize Brendan Gleeson isn’t bummed about his life. They have this amazing conversation in the car where Cheadle asks if he’s ever been to America, and Gleeson says yes, once, he went to Disney World, and it slowly comes out that he went just the previous year, and by himself. And Cheadle is like “…you went to Disney World by yourself.” and Gleeson doesn’t get why that’s weird. Then Don Cheadle at one point says “you know, I can’t tell if you’re really motherfucking stupid, or really motherfucking smart,” and Gleeson clearly takes that as a compliment.

In many ways it’s a film in the tradition of, you know, Guy Richie movies before Guy Richie got lame, although there’s way less macho violence. But you know, clever wisecracking foul-mouthed British/Irish fellows doing gently zany things, and the villains are all like quoting Nietzsche humorously and saying things like “There was so much I still wanted to do…” after being shot. And the movie has a crazily ambiguous ending. And wonderful witty repartée. And jokes about people speaking only Gaelic to Don Cheadle. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go fix this lamp. It was a gift from my aunt.” “Does anyone in your house speak English?” “Fuck you, cop. Go to England if you want to speak English.”

GREAT MOVIE! GO SEE IT!

Crap, now I’m late for work.

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