Pan Am

ABC’s new rip-off of AMC’s brilliant “Mad Men” is called “Pan Am,” and focuses only on the hysterically-accurate period details that, in “Mad Men,” are but the window dressing upon narratives of astonishing depth that flay open American anxieties like a stinking fish. “Pan Am,” by contrast, has the period details and a lot of drummed-up phony-baloney melodrama and nothing else. Drunk businessmen and extremely well-coiffured women do not a sensational television experience make, or at least not alone. It’s like “Forrest Gump” but with stewardesses: See the classy Pan Am ladies helping refugees and yelling “CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS” and “CUBA” and “MISSILES” and “CASTRO” and “COMMUNISM” and “PAN AM IS NOT GOING TO LEAVE THESE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS REFUGEES BEHIND WITH ALL THE MISSILES” over and over again at each other while the powerful Pan Am-brand engines whirl and muss the ladies’ hair-dos in intoxicating ways! See the classy dames of America’s Pan Am snooker their way into the American embassy in West Germany to try to meet Kennedy! See them taken under the wing of a bafflingly kind German citizen and driven up innumerable stairs like so many dainty-toed cattle in order to see the famous “ICH BIN EIN BERLINER” speech IN PERSON. Soon I imagine one of them will actually be Lee Harvey Oswald, or at least will see him from the book depository lawn and scream prettily “THERE HE IS, IT’S LEE HARVEY OSWALD, THE CIA’S HIRED-GOON! I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I AM A CIA OPERATIVE!”*

See the classy Pan Am dames just sort of inchoately acting in exciting new ways without being able to explain why, while the men of the show affectionately wax philosophical about feminism and how great it is, effectively putting their finger on exactly what is exciting about the Pan Am stewardesses within the context of the entire human history of gender. “Now Sam I’m just a 21st century feminist man in the guise of a character who lives in 1963, and I’m telling you that’s a new breed of woman. They don’t know it yet, but just look at them. Now let us smile indulgently at them and slug back a couple of fine whiskeys in this delightful Parisian bar.”

The very best part of the show is the Quebecois actress Karine Vanasse, who plays a Parisian Frenchman to the presumable howls of rage of all Francophone citizens everywhere and no one else, since only a Frenchie/Quebeckie can hear the difference but to them it is GLARING. But Vanasse is awesome. Such a compelling actress! “PUT HER IN EVERY SCENE OF THE SHOW AND IN EVERY MOVIE I WILL EVER SEE” kept yelling my old man, somewhat off-puttingly if I’m being honest. Then there’s a scene where she gets drunk at the embassy and starts telling all the Germans about how the Nazis killed her entire family and oops she didn’t mean to spoil their party ha ha ha how gauche of me but no seriously it was only like 20 years ago and now I am a FUCKING ORPHAN and I guess we’re all supposed to be excited that some stupid jelly donut speech has made America and Germany best friends. Then she gets the piano player to play “Deutschland Über Alles” while she sings and everyone stares in horror at her. PRETTY BADASS!!!!!!!

The music is some of the worst I’ve ever heard on a television show. I mean, it is really unfair to keep comparing Pan Am to Mad Men, since the difference in quality betwixt them is roughly the distance from Missoula, Montana to, I don’t know, Jupiter. BUT, we are obviously meant to draw this comparison, because, come on, “ABC’s new hysterically-accurate period-detailed show about gender and stuff in the 60’s, plus people smoking a lot.” But seriously, worst music ever. I felt like I was watching Batman. NOT A DANNY ELFMAN BATMAN.

Having said all this I am now going to go in the other room and continue watching the show. Because in spite of how manipulative it is, god help me, I AM A SUCKER FOR HYSTERICALLY ACCURATE PERIOD DETAILS!!!!!!!

THOSE COSTUMES!!!!! OMG!!! THE HAIR!!!!! THE LIFE MAGAZINES!

MAD MEN DOESN’T COME BACK ON FOR A FUCKING YEAR. I’M NOT MADE OF STONE.

*One of the stewardesses is literally a CIA operative