The Pretzel Hero

Last year, our friend Joel moved to Berlin. We expected him to quickly burrow into to the city’s party circuit and be appointed the American diplomat to Berlin’s hottest clubs. We did NOT expect him to become a line-cook at one. Lo and behold, our former roomie and ex-bandmate is slaving at the haute, German kitchen of a rooftop warehouse party palace. When he mentioned his first menu contribution – an asparagus salad special – we got jealous.

Berlin in spring is heaven. The entire city splays out on park blankets half-nude drinking giant pilsners. And then there’s the asparagus: Earthy, white and green pornographic spears that the Germans host an entire phallic holiday around.

To rekindle our Berlin fantasies, and to pay homage to our favorite Krautrock DJ-turned-line-cook, this week we assembled the ideal spring sauce: Asparagus Remoulade. A creamy lather of fat mixed with zingy mustard and the vegetal crunch of chopped asparagus. But, what do you smear an entire pint of Asparagus Remoulade on?

A 2-foot-by-3-foot pretzel, naturlich. For weeks we’ve seen this pretzel monstrosity in the bakery aisle of an Atwater boutique market and we jumped at an excuse to splurge. The thing is just calling out to be slathered in sauce, stacked with veggie meats and cheeses, pickles and consumed on an oversized picnic blanket. Below are the basics for whatever sized pretzel bread – or laugenbrotchen – you’re working with. Grab a pils, break out the Neu, and take your pants off. Genau!

Asparagus Remoulade
(Makes 1 and 1/4 cups)

1 bunch asparagus spears (thin)
3/4 cup Veganaise
1/4 cup whole grain mustard
1 teaspoon sea salt
plenty of black pepper
(dill garnish)

1. Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Slice off completely, or peel, the woody ends of your spears. Once boiling, toss in spears and cook like this for 4-5 minutes. Then strain and submerge in ice water to cool.
2. Mix veganaise and mustard together in a bowl. Add salt and pepper.
3. Finely chop the asparagus into round bits and add this to the mustard-mayo. Stir and refrigerate for at least 2 hours, or up to 2 days, before using.

Pretzel Sandwich
pretzel bread (size does matter)
asparagus remoulade
seitan slices
slices of Emmenthaler (or vegan Swiss)
sliced red onion
sliced kosher pickles
chopped fresh dill

1) Buy a giant pretzel. Genau!

2) Carefully slice the giant pretzel in half: Stand it on its side and slit the outer diameter with a serrated knife, slowly rotating it counterclockwise. Once complete, slit the inner sections of the pretzel knot by sticking your knife all the way through the already sliced outer piece and sawing through the center as well.

3) Slather both sides of the bread with remoulade. Then stack it high with seitan, Emmenthaler, pickles, and red onion slices. Garnish with fresh dill and press the bread together.

4) Transport it in one piece on a large cutting board. Cut it up into pieces when you’re stationary.

Beverage: Great Divide, Nomad Pilsner
Soundtrack: Iggy Pop, Sixteen