Eat Bourbon In Your Car!

Just in time for “Carmageddon,” which we’re pretty sure is karma smacking upside the collective head of L.A.’s westside, we bring the deserving some relief. We can’t sympathize with most of the idiots who live on the west side of L.A. (who think jogging near the beach on weekends is worth hating the rest of life sitting in traffic). No, we side with the only people we’re comfortable siding with — the booze fiends.

Now, here’s our adapted version of the classic Southern sweet Bourbon Balls (made vegan) for those of you who are stuck in traffic this week, trying to get home to swig your nip of after-work bourbon. Pack this vegan bourbon snacks in your lunch and nosh on your way home to ensure your happy hour buzz isn’t delayed by pesky freeway detours. If you’re pulled over, we did not suggest this.

“Southern Comfort” Pecans
(Never makes enough)

4 cups whole pecans (raw)
1/2 cup vegan margarine
2 tablespoons smoked paprika
2 tablespoon brown sugar
1 teaspoon mace (nutmeg works)
1 teaspoon sea salt
1 teaspoon smoked salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper

1. Crank your oven to 325 degrees.

2. In a sauce pot on the stove, gently heat the margarine until melted (but not spitting). Add all spices and stir until distributed, turning margarine a reddish-brown.

3. In a large mixing bowl, toss the pecans with the spiced margarine until evenly coated. Slide the whole mess onto a baking sheet and bake for about 30 minutes, shaking every ten or so to keep from burning.

4. Remove once roasted and let cool for at least ten minutes before using. There’s no actual Southern Comfort in these nuts, they just taste the way it feels to be swinging on a porch seat swigging a bottle of sweet booze. The bourbon comes next…)

Vegan Bourbon Holes
(Makes about thirty)

About 20 vanilla wafers (we use a vegan cookies)
1 cup “Southern Comfort” pecans (above)
1 1/4 cup confectioner’s sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa powder
2 tablespoons molasses
1/4 cup bourbon, plus one shot
1/2 teaspoon sea salt

1. In a mixing bowl, combine cocoa powder with one cup of sifted confectioner’s sugar (don’t buy a fucking sifter, duh, just slowly pour the sugar over a fine mesh strainer and shake it over your bowl till it’s all pillowy).

2. Dump your nuts on a cutting board and go to town, roughly chopping them into bits. Add this to the mixing bowl.

3. In a separate bowl, whisk the molasses and 1/4 cup of bourbon until evenly married. Take the extra shot for good measure! Now add this goo to the bowl of sugary nuts.

4. Put the vanilla wafers in a food processor and pulse them to shit. (You want a fine dust of cookie crumbs). Add the wafer crumbs to the mixture and use a spatula to mix it all together.

5. Place the leftover confectioner’s sugar on a plate and begin pinching the mixed dough into ball shapes, about the diameter of a silver dollar. Press thing together with enough pressure to make the dough stick, then roll into a ball using both palms. Form one at a time and roll them in extra sugar. Repeat until the bowl is empty, refrigerate for thirty minutes before eating.

Beverage: Cafecito Organico’s Ethiopia
Soundtrack: Modest Mouse’s “This is a Long Drive for Someone With Nothing to Think About”