Mighty, Meaty Mushroom

If hummus is a vegetarian cliché, the grilled Portobello mushroom is a downright crutch. The ultimate ‘wedding meal vegetarian entrée’ let-down! Both veggie and carnivore chefs alike fuck it up: wash it, throw it on a grill for marks, and serve it black and dry, like a mouth full of psilocybin shrooms without the side effects.
We won’t take it anymore. So what’s to be done with this king of mushrooms? Braising, kids.
Please, think of this more as advice about technique, and less about an exact recipe. There is not just one braising liquid this will work with. But since we started drinking with, and occasionally working alongside, the anarchists behind Elf Café, we’ve been enamored with their Portobello preparations. Long braised in stock and Marsala, their shroomies are always moist. This made us realize that once you fortify the membranes of this biggie with spiced vinegar and stock and liquor, it’s perfectly prepped for the grill or a hot pan, without losing its moisture or shriveling up.
We have played with proportions, made a couple mistakes (cider vinegar…pucker, pucker, oops) and can boast that this one is our favorite way, so far, to braise the shrooms for two awesome formats: tacos and sandwich “meat.”
So take this and run. Just know that you will never, ever, ever again be able to check “vegetarian entrée” without cringing with fear that you will be let down.

4 Portobello mushrooms
1 carrot
1 jalapeño pepper
1 white onion
2 Tbs. olive oil
2 red beets
2 cups red wine (dry)
2 cups vegetable stock
1 cup Marsala wine
1/3 cup Balsamic vinegar
2 Tbs. soy sauce
1 tsp. liquid smoke (optional)
1 Tbs. Dijon mustard
Cracked black pepper to taste
1. Remove the stumpy base from your mushrooms but leave the gills. Rinse under water and set aside.
2. Chop the carrot, onion and jalapeño pepper. Put a stock pot or cast iron pot on medium high flame. Add oil and toss in the chopped veg. Stir and cook until barely brown. Meanwhile peel the beets, chop and add.
3. Pour the wine, stock, Marsala wine, vinegar and liquid smoke into the pot. Spoon in mustard and stir. Then add the mushrooms with the gills up. Cover pot with a lid and cook for 20-30 minutes on medium heat.
4. Once shrooms are cooked throughout, remove from heat and let sit until cool. Remove mushrooms and place in a bowl or Tupperware, cover them with a couple tablespoons of liquid, and refrigerate (stays good up to 5 days).
5. Strain out the beets, onions, carrots and pepper but save the liquid. Return liquid to the pot on low heat. Cook for an additional 10-12 minutes or until the liquid has reduced by half but before it foams. Save this reduction as a “aus jus,” perfect for french dips, garnish or marinades.

1 braised Portobello mushroom
1 Tbs. grapeseed oil
1 tsp. ground cumin
1 tsp. red chile
1/2 tsp. kosker salt
1. For sandwich slices: place the mushroom on a cutting board, gill-side face down. Flatten the mushroom gently with your hand and use a serrated knife to cut very thin slices off the mushroom. Serve it cold or hot.
2. For taco meat: chop into big chunky cubes.
3. Place mushroom slices or cubes into a large bowl. Coat with oil. Sprinkle with ground cumin, red chile, salt and toss to coat well.
4. Serve sandwiches on a roll with hamburger garnishes.
5. Or for tacos, serve on corn tortillas with chopped tomatoes, onions and jalapeños.
Beverage: Craftsman Saison
Soundtrack: The Cure’s “Meat Hook”