Bloodlust Roulade

Both vegetarians and carnivores have beef with fake meats. Veggies argue the strangeness of eating a reconstituted version of the exact type of food they are trying so desperately to avoid. Meaties go one step further and ask why we would even bother eating fake meat? If you like the taste of fake meat, why not just go for the real thing? Both sides are missing the proverbial boat: Fake meat doesn’t taste like real meat, doesn’t behave like real meat when cooked and most importantly doesn’t have to be harvested by an exploited living being.
Put this stuffed roulade plate in front of both sides of the battle field, and both will murmur: “Woah dude…this is vegan?!”
The Stuffing:
4 shallots, peeled and sliced
6 cloves of garlic, peeled and sliced
1 cup button mushrooms, chopped
1 cup oyster mushrooms, chopped
4 Tbs. cabernet sauvignon
6 stoned wheat crackers
1⁄4 cup basil, minced
1⁄4 cup gold raisins
2 Tbs. balsamic vinegar
1 Tbs. maple syrup
2 Tbs. Dijon mustard
1. Heat a sauté pan on medium and add half the garlic and shallots to toast for 5 minutes. Once they begin to brown, crank the flame to high, add all your mushrooms and the remaining garlic and shallots.
2. After about 3 minutes add the wine 1 Tbs. at a time, letting it evaporate completely. When you’ve used all 4 Tbs. of wine, remove from heat.
3. In a food processor or blender, grind the crackers to dust. Add cracker crumbs and the rest of the ingredients to the mushroom mixture.

The Roulade:
12″ of wax paper
1 package of Gimmie Lean (fake sausage)
4 Tbs. extra virgin olive oil
2 Tbs. paprika
2 Tbs. salt
2 Tbs. pepper
2 Tbs. ground cumin
1 small potato, sliced thin
1 cup Cabernet Sauvignon
1. Pre-heat oven to 300 degrees.
2. Cover your cutting board or counter top with the wax paper, and spread 1 Tbs. extra virgin olive oil. Place your fake sausage in the center. Now, take a rolling pin and lube it liberally with more olive oil.
3. Gently roll out the sausage until it is a 1/4″ thick rectangle. Pack stuffing 1″ inward from the side closest to you in a 2″ high wall–make sure the outermost sides of the roll are just as high as the center. Roll like a giant joint making sure that the sweet weeds inside are tightly compacted while being mindful of the delicacy of your fake meat. Once rolled, combine all spices together and sprinkle over every inch of turgid goodness.
4. In a sauté pan, heat 1 Tbs. of olive oil on high heat. Sear each side of the roulade, then lay in a greased baking pan to cook. (This will hurt your fingers, but builds character.) Then pour just enough wine to cover the bottom of the pan. Bake uncovered for 15 minutes, flip and cook for another 15.

“Blood” Sauce
1 red bell pepper
1 red jalapeno pepper
1 ripe roma tomato
3 Tbs. paprika
2 Tbs. salt
1. Place the bell pepper over a medium flame, turning every so often to blacken evenly. Place burnt pepper in a bowl and cover for five minutes. Skin the pepper, and remove its stem and seeds. Add all ingredients together in a food processor or blender and pulse until smooth.
2. Serve roulade with a splatter of blood sauce and black mission figs.

Soundtrack: Minor Threat’s I’m Seein’ Red!
Beverage: Stone’s 10th Anniversary I.P.A.