August 2006 Archives

Soy-a-phobes are constantly complaining about tofu's lack of flavor and its freaky texture--and sometimes they're right. Here's a sandwich that will make your weak-minded meat friends and your vegan cohorts coo with coagulated bean contentment.

We used baked tofu for this sandwich: You can find it in the refrigerated section of most Asian markets. It will usually come with four small, brown bricks per package, and sometimes it will be labeled as "smoked" or "savory" tofu. This type of curd is ideal for many applications because it's totally firm, it's very low in moisture and it has a slightly sweet taste unlike the sometimes-tepid flavor of its soggy brethren. Buy a pack of baked/smoked/savory/whatever tofu, make this recipe, then use the leftover tofu on your grill, in your spring rolls, stir-frys or scrambles.

Tofu and Cauliflower Sammy
2 pieces of baked tofu
6 Tbs. extra virgin olive oil
4 Tbs. green curry paste
1 leek
3 shallots
1 onion
4 cloves of garlic
1 small bulb ginger
1/2 head of cauliflower
8 Tbs coconut milk
1 tsp. sesame oil
1 tbs. seasoned rice vinegar
5 pieces of romaine lettuce
8 sprigs cilantro
8 leaves of basil
2 tbs. Sriracha
2 tbs. sweet chili sauce
4 pieces of bread

1. Wash the tofu in cold water and slice width-wise into thin strips. Heat 3 Tbs. oil in a skillet on medium heat and add 2 Tbs. curry paste and sauté for 2 minutes. Add the sliced tofu, crank the flame to high and sauté for 5 minutes stirring the tofu to discourage burning. When your tofu starts to show some brown, and is fully coated with curry, remove from heat and let cool on a plate.

2. Slice your leeks, shallots, ginger, garlic and cauliflower. Reheat the same pan with the remaining oil and curry paste. Add and sauté the leeks, after the curry starts to spit, keeping a lid on your pan for 5 minutes.

3. Add the garlic, shallots and ginger and sauté for an additional five minutes. When the leeks are soft--the garlic and shallots transparent--add the cauliflower and cook for another 3 minutes. Add 6 Tbs. of coconut milk and cook for three more minutes. Turn off flame.

4. In a small bowl mix the remaining 2 Tbs. of coconut milk, the sesame oil, the rice vinegar and mix with a fork. Stack your romaine, heart-side up, and pile the basil and cilantro in the newly formed 'crotch' of the lettuce. Fold the romaine over as if you were rolling a joint, and slice in the thinnest strips you can. Dress your green ribbons with the coconut-vinaigrette. Toast your bread. Spread 1 Tbs. on one piece of toast, 1 Tbs. of sweet chili sauce on the other. Stack tofu, veggies, greens and slice. This will make 2 sammies and leftovers.

Beverage: Avery Brewing Co.'s Salvation Golden Ale
Soundtrack: Dirty Three, Whatever You Love You Are

We are admittedly, and decidedly, dessert deficient. Salt, hot peppers and garlic hold the key to our hearts. Those of you who dutifully read will note that since our official inception back in early '06 we've never--not once--dared pen a sugar script for your sweet tooth.

So, when Stone Brewery (our personal lords and saviors) sent us a case of serious high-gravity bombers, aka 22 oz. beers (that's full disclosure people!), our mission was clear: to churn some hard-assed beer ice cream. After experimenting with a borrowed ice cream maker, a lot of dairy and some of the finest beer in SoCal, we think we stumbled upon a model marriage of the strongest, booziest beers and the all-too-human need for frozen dairy products.

We fell partial to two varieties: Chocolate Stout, and Caramel Barleywine. Thanks to Stone, we made use of their seasonal brews Russian Imperial Stout and Old Guardian Barleywine. Both of these flavors are sweet and strong--perfect for ice cream--but if you have a different brew loyalty, substitute a sweet beer of your choice and scream away.

Beer Ice Cream
2 cups of your favorite stout, porter or strong ale
3/4 cup white granulated sugar
3 egg yolks
2 cups heavy cream

1. You will need an ice cream mixer and two metal bowls.

2. Pour two cups of your selected brew into a heavy bottom saucepan (the thicker the bottom, the more delicate the reduction, so watch out). Crank the flame to medium high until you get a nice, rolling boil. Watch carefully, as your beer will probably bubble over once you get to a solid boil. When it looks like your beer is getting ready to invade your ever-so-meticulously-cleaned stovetop, turn the flame down low and simmer. At this point your kitchen should smell like fresh bread.

3. Simmer for about half an hour, or until 2 cups have reduced to 1. While your beer reduces, set up a double boiler by heating a large pot half-full of water to a light boil. When the water starts to bubble, and the beer has reduced completely, whip the 3 egg yolks in a separate bowl, preferably another metal one. Pour the beer reduction into the clean metal bowl, put it over the boiling water, and whisk in the sugar until it has dissolved. Remove the beer/sugar syrup from atop the double boiler, and in its place put the bowl with the whipped egg yolks. Add the beer syrup in a slow, steady stream, all the while whipping the eggs.

4. Once all the beer and eggs have been mixed, remove the bowl from the double boiler and add the heavy cream, again in a slow, steady stream, whipping constantly until fully mixed. Place mixture in a Tupperware-like container and chill in your fridge for at least an hour. Set up whatever ice cream contraption you can and spin your beerscream for about 30 minutes, and freeze for 3 hours before serving.

Beverage: The leftovers from your bomber, duh.
Soundtrack: Sister Nancy's One, Two.

Talk knives with us at www.laalternative.com/hotknives/

You don't have to be OK with eating something called "cabeza" just to enjoy a taco, but in L.A. it sure helps. And while most taco trucks have veggie options--potato or even just vegetarian tacos with beans, veggies and cheese are always safe--you probably won't find tofu Mexican-style anytime soon.

So, for that rare instance of drunk dining at home, whip up some of these tofu-potato tacos topped with sour cream-less herb guacamole (if you can't resist the real stuff, mix some extra cumin, cilantro and garlic with your sour cream).

Tofu Tacos
1/2 block firm tofu
2 Tbs. cumin
1 white onion, minced
6 cloves garlic
3 Tbs. extra virgin olive oil
1 portobello mushroom, diced small
1 white potato, boiled and mashed
1 jalapeno, chopped
1 bunch celery tops, finely chopped
5 Tbs. extra virgin olive oil
2 Tbs. Tapatio (or equivalent hot sauce)
1 Tbs. soy sauce
6 corn tortillas

Guac-a-dilla
2 avocados
2 Tbs. extra virgin olive oil
1/2 cup dill, chopped

1. Press your tofu by wrapping in paper towels and placing a phone book on top of it. Let sit for 10 minutes on each side and discard the tofu water. In a bowl, smash the tofu thoroughly with a fork until totally crumbled. Set aside.

2. In a large skillet, sauté the cumin, onion and garlic in 3 Tbs. of olive oil on high heat. Let cook for a couple minutes and add the tofu, mushroom, onion, mashed potato, jalapeño and chopped celery tops. Stir thoroughly to keep from sticking. After about 15 minutes, the tofu crumbles should be browned and the mushroom should be well cooked. Add the hot sauce and soy sauce and place on simmer until you're ready to serve.

3. Cut and scoop the avocados into a bowl. Mash together, then whip thoroughly with the olive oil and dill. Add salt and pepper to taste.

4. Throw your tortillas on a large skillet and heat until nearly crunchy. Heap the tofu filling on each tortilla and top with the dill guacamole.

Beverage: Margarita on the rocks with mint and lime wedges.
Soundtrack: Charles Mingus' Tijuana Moods

We've yet to recieve much in the way of hate mail, but when the second angry letter rolled in this week we decided it was time to unveil an entire section of the blog dedicated to it.

Here's our latest fan:

You two faggots couldn't make a beerfart in a bathtub. If you could, and bottled it, it would probably taste better than this crap. Good soundtrack choice for you homos though. Sister Nancy. I can't imagine two bigger nancies than you. Are you really sisters?

Deb
chubbi_debbi@hotmail.com

And here's an old favorite that we call "Vegan Fury" from a reader back in March:

Dear Mr. Brown,

I read your "Hot Knives" recipe column "Tofu Stroganoff" with interest, and I am a vegan who doesn't poison himself, only to find the recipe includes an egg, a stick of butter, and wine.

Eggs are the product of callous humans caging up birds. Butter is ditto from cows. After these fellow creatures are no longer useful, they are sent to slaughterhouses (perhaps to make pet food).

Wine is from vegan sources, then fermented to produce alcohol, a poison!

Slaughtered creatures are filled with poison: cholesterol, adrenaline (from fear), etc.

Cash-wise, a healthy vegan diet does not cost nearly as much as an omnivore one does. Honey too is not vegan, as bees suffer in the wooden hives human omnivores have built. Add sea salt and wisdom, and everyone will be happy except the butchers et al.

[signature not legible]

We may have opened the flood gates... keep that hate mail coming boyz!
I have to aree with "Deb" on this one. You two couldn't cook if (insert you favorite high-profile chef name here) was there helping you. Your recipes are really inane and poorly made. and I had to stop looking back through your archived recipes twice to go and puke. But this one takes the cake! (get it? Cake? And ice cream?) Beer ice cream from you two fills my head with images of walking around all day with the strange taste of ass in my mouth. And nothing I can do to get rid of it.

And speaking of ass, I must also agree with Deb about you obvious sexual preference and your mutual attraction for eachother. Maybe instead of "Hotknives" you guys should call yourselves "Hot Buttered Cornholes".

Robert Saunders