I JUST WROTE THIS TO SASHA BUT

Dear God,
Even though I don’t really believe in you, I have a favor to ask. Now that Lily Allen is pregnant, please let her write an entire new album about pre-natal care, having to pee all the time, wanting to smoke cigarettes and drink coffee but hating her doctor cause he won’t let her, the lack of cute taffeta maternity dresses, the fact that none of her nike trainers fit anymore cause her feet are swollen into a size 40 (UK), her Chemical Brothers baby-dad wanting to fuck her but her feeling super not into it because there is a frigging watermelon weighing on her bladder (hence making orgasms feel like peeing), the awesomeness of having boobs that are two sizes bigger (but still not wanting to do it), how bouncers are super anal about letting pregnant chicks into nu-rave shows, the idea of a baby being a lot like an alien-parasite (come on u know u think about it), “baby tax,” puking up mushy peas, early onset vericose veins, and walking around like a duck. I think it would be the best album ever.
P.S. Please do not let me get pregnant, ever.
Your Friend,
Julianne