MY ON-CAMERA G

Soap opera stars are generically attractive, and I think that’s partly why they’re employed. Soap watchers, yr average chica, want to look at a dude on tv and be like, “wow he’s hot… and I could potentially date him.” They’re no Clooneys, they’re no Denzels. You couldn’t pick these dudes and their moussey hair perfection off an NYC street – they are generic weekend west villagers or maybe more midtown-level starbucking park walkers who, if they asked to buy you a mocha latte, you wouldn’t turn down. But you could totally get a date with a dude equally or slightly more attractive. I’m saying.
I spent most of Friday on the set of a popular soap opera, as an extra, watching America’s biggest and hulkiest superproducer that’s not Dr. Dre perform. They wrote Timbaland into the plot, and they wanted some “actual” journalists in the audience, though I’m not sure why cuz there was no mention of our presence, nor were we holding clipboards or wearing trenchcoats or shouting out provocative hard questions such as, “Timbaland. What’s your take on the 50 Cent Kanye soundclash?” The executive director sat me and my new friend Marcus from AOL Black Voices and this chick from BET and another new friend / model / extra Tia, who has been in VIBE fashion like five times and was totally in the June (or July) 2005 issue of Teen Vogue in one of my favorite spreads ever (on the beach with cute pop-art/graffiti maillots) they sat us all in this booth in this mock club set – CLUB CAPRICORN – inside ABC studios. A mealyfaced white guy with a bbq lighter in a holster kept coming over and re-lighting the votives on our table. 40 other extras, dressed in their Forever 21 best, milled around and danced, and we cheered and screamed for like 47 takes. It is not inappropriate that my network television debut may be a clip of me going “woooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!” I was wearing tons of make-up.
Keri Hilson was there. She and Tim had to do “The Way I Are” five times for the cameras – a little bald dude ran around with his fingers up – “FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE, ROLLING!” Keri killed it – she sang it live over pre-recorded track, but that shit is extra choreographed to sound like it’s not choreographed – she sang the same way every time, her high-pitched vibrato fluttering. Between takes, Timbaland entertained the shit out of us, or himself, rather – he seemed bored – beatboxing, cracking jokes, doing caricature imitations of Kanye West “stronger,” of biggie “juicy,” of kelly clarkson “since u been gone” in a crazy falsetto. During the chorus on Clarkson, keri took over and sang it for real, for real real, a capella, but cracked on the super high “YEAH, YEAH!” note. She stopped and meekly giggled, “respect to kelly clarkson, this is hard.” Keri’s voice is more nightengale sweet than throaty R&B which is why she A. is perfect for timbo’s current glossy techno hankering and B. will be a pop star. That and she’s like, banoculously gorgeous. Not tall at all, though – which tells you the height of Timbaland and Polow, considering she towers over them in every photo. The only tall famous people are Rich Boy and Jay-Z. Everyone else is leprechauns.
One Republic, the fake-Coldplay on Tim’s album, opened. I don’t know what song they played, but they had a live cellist and a decent beat I could groove to and it wasn’t so bad, cause they only had to do two takes.
I feel like I’m sub-literate right now. It’s been a long weekend, with lots of conversations, late nights, Obama arguments with strangers, rooftop barbecues, meeting scientists and film folx, ill-advised karoake, late-night walks home, and new and old friends. More later, perhaps when I process and get past the superficial observations of the soap world. The set and process were interesting, but sometimes I wonder if being around TRL so much jaded me to the lights, camera, action, at least the production qualities of it all. Not to mention celebrity (on large and small/community scales) is icky, and lately I’ve felt even more oversaturated by / weary of the gossip / schadenfreude culture /TMZ boner everyone on the netses seems to have- although I will say I think it’s gonna bottom out sometime semi-soon. I hope that it does, anyway. I mean, we are gonna go to war with Iran, you know? I am ready for the webformational hierarchy to reprioritize away from Britney’s chocha and back onto the shit we should at least be informed about, even if we have no hope to control it. I would also have liked for the news-news to have covered OJ less on Black Thursday, the day of the Jena 6 march, and covered more… Black Thursday. By the way, Shaheem Reid has been doing an excellent job of covering all aspects of his experiences there, in Jena, at mtv.com.