ACTUALLY, I AM THE NEW DJ PREMIER

You all can quit your arguing. I am the new Primo. At least when it comes to political punditry. At least when it comes to biased opinions. My friend said it was so! Proof that my brain is not just Beyonce factoids and overexcitable punctuation: I wrote Will an email about the Democratic debates, and he posted it on his great blog. I am flattered he deemed my missive fit to print, and not just because he’s the only lawyer I know personally who 1. has never represented me 2. has never received monetary compensation from my bank account, professionally or otherwise. It’s cause he is smart. Reedeeculously smart. And knows everything there is to know about politics from then to now. (Also: Brandy fan. Can’t front.)
But still, by posting this, Will has quite hampered my quest to grow into one of those ornery disreputable persons who squanders their quasi-adult years by temptation of drink and flesh, then writes about it all for Vanity Fair’s token backpage essay by the now-humorous sagely ex-party animal, who will be posthumously studied / worshiped / mimicked by stoner state college students. Drats! Guess I’m just going to have to grow up to be Fly Girl -ternt – Fly Lady of Leisure Jennifer Lopez. [cue Swizz beat] Como Ama una Mujer, bitches.
SPECIAL TO THE NEW BLOODS: Your shit better be flame-retardant.