877-WE-CRUNK

it’s all over.
So I began this week with some escapism: I od’ed on Crunk Juice, aka Crunk energy drink, at the Lil Jon-hosted E-40 listening party, at Electric Lady studios on NYC’s beautiful WESTSIIIDE, famous for Jimi Hendrix (and if you forget that it is famous for Jimi Hendrix, the psychedelic wallpaper in the bathroom is there to remind you). For approx. 20 minutes, it was the best party EVER, inevitably so, considering it was hosted by a king of crunk and a great-uncle of hyphy; the soundtrack was E-40’s new album, My Ghetto Report Card, which, on the whole, sounds like having your great-uncle of hyphy (loose etymology: “hype” + “fly”) invite you over for a party and get you so Crunk Juiced that when he starts speaking in byzantine slang terms, you think the reason you can’t understand him is cuz you’re wasted on Crunk Juice. But then he hands you another Crunk Juice, or something else with caffeine and 150 cc’s of corn syrup, and it’s like the fucking Rosetta Stone: spiritually awakened, the sound of beats woofing and men barking is your metaphysical go-ahead to invent your own kind of bananas capoeira, and you start making up interpretive dances like “Thizz Face,” a dance which simply requires one to assume a “Thizz Face.” There, in the Electric Lady, your mind opens up to… ???? It’s you doing you, girl, but angioplastied.
I left this party just after observing one of the 42 or so hired strippers (a mid-party surprise) grind her Brazilian’d ass in the face of the guy who had served me a dollop of greens just 15 minutes prior. He was still wearing his apron, and sitting in a folding chair. Luckily I was so wasted on caffeine, sodium citrate, calcium lactate, natural flavors, black carrot extract (for color), magnesium lactate, ascorbic acid, vitamin E acetate, niacinamide (vit B3), pantothenic acid (vitamin B5), pyridoxine HCL (vit B6), riboflavin (vitamin B2), thiamin HCL (vit B1), and cyanocobalamin (vit B12), I was able put the sight of it from my mind. All discussions of space, feminism, prudence, porn and appropriate occasions to hire strippers aside, you really don’t want to witness a lapdance one foot away from you while you’re still digesting your dinner.
*Slightly* more in-depth analysis on the janemag.com blog. But here are two photos, when it was still the best party i’ve ever been to in my life, before the strippers came and altered the dynamic from “dance” to “Dance.”
1. lil jon stoically handing out free giant nugs of weed from a ziploc bag

2. dude from “tell me when to go,” aka my new dance-idol (the “scrape” and “gas brake dip dip” dances are so best)

Nick got better photos at the fader blog, make sure you check them out, cuz by the time i started taking flicks i was already so crunk’d I was actually embalmed.
Joey’s hyphy/bay area MY BLOCK airs on MTV 2 this sunday at 2 pm, we’re all gonna watch it and you should, too.