Y Control

Note to self: become Dadaist? Perf art party at my apartment, RIGHT NOW–BUT YOU HAVE TO FIND IT FIRST! And you don’t get in unless you wear a mask and a tailfeather. We’re going to smear Bliss spa mud on a wall-sized blow-up of Tony Blair.
Speaking of radiant skin: tonight some bored friends and I watched and “deconstructed” two hours of gay male porn with the sound turned down, the iPod up. Some of that porn was 18 & Horny, which would have been more accurately titled 47 & Sweaty. Mostly, we viewed one 1998 tape called Images of Lust, which was so low-budge that, during one kissing close-up, the “filmmakers” switched on some trippy VHS effect to obscure the giant zit on one of the actors’ chins. Luckily, I had a crew of eight to support (or goad?) me through this journey–three gay men, two straight men, three straight women–and I discovered two things:
1. The “Crut’s Hush-Up Mix” of “Wait (The Whisper Song)” is the “Fallen (Polow da Don Mix)” of 2005. (Meaning: flat parts get full and swing.) Download it RIGHT NOW. You cannot continue hearing that stale-ass wannabe “drop it like it’s hot” day-old hamburger of a Smurf beat after 1 taste of the “Hush Up Mix”‘s luscious lascivious pregnant breaks, chirping birds, wurlitzer melody and outro lady-humpery.
(Content note: the “Beat that pussy up” lyric is erased, “Wait’ll you see my dick” is now “wait’ll I show you this,” which is fine by me. Special to K.S.: now, if only Gwen Stefani would just stop perpetrating with the Harajuku girls, my role here would be finis.)
2. After said two hours of gay male porn, I went dancing with the porn posse, and my objectification quotient NOTICABLY increased. It took me a minute before I realized I was staring at half the men in the bar with “images of lust” in my head–not unusual in and of itself, except these images had nothing to do with my normal images of lust–for one, my normal images of lust don’t include two twinks and a police baton. No, my objectification directly corresponded to the images of lust in Images of Lust. Not enough evidence to form a hypothesis, but vaguely disorienting. As Karen O said, “I wish I could buy back the woman you stole.”