34 Points, Straight into my Heart

Despite the headline “Marijuana: The Blazers’ Toughest Foe,” which makes me think of a traveling medicine man on a soapbox, the Trib wrote effusive soft praise of Young Zachary Randolph, including details of his throwback jersey collection and a genuinely nice comment from Grampy John Nash (Blaza Hata). Zach’s best friend on the team is Qyntel Woods, which is so sweet my eyeballs are making fresca.
You can’t see it on the website, but in the print version, there’s a giant photo of Zach in his house, wearing a Patrick Ewing Knicks jersey, playing some ESPN NBA game on the X-Box on the floor of his darkened, stark living room, which is fully tiny-bachelor style—tile floors, a couch, a TV, halogen floor lamp. As if to illuminate the stark contrast of an innocent youth, poised precariously at the cusp of NBA gigastardom (thanks Monsieur Safire) yet still heavily tethered to his small-town roots, his siblings, his loving mama. And who will guide him, that he may keep his innocence? Who will protect Zach’s character from the ravenous, moralizing sports media, from the voracious, maniacal, bizarre behavior of Sheed Wallace (I still love you anyway, man), from the back-stabbing step-dadisms of John Nash? Who will protect him from the Orwellian nature of the North Portland Police Squad aka Beyond Thunderdome?
Qyntel and Zach, you must clasp each other’s hands tightly, as you walk through the valley of darkness. I will kiss my junior Spalding each night before sleep, that you may have luck in the ether. Godspeed!