I have been invited to my ex-step sisters wedding–our parents are now divorced, we did not grow up together save for summers/holidays. She lives in a distant city, we talk maybe once or twice a year when a relative is visiting one or the other. Attending her wedding just myself would be a real stretch, budgetwise, and also would leave my husband alone with two really small children for a long weekend (the wedding is child-free, which is understandable). If we were flush I would be like, sure, I will do this thing, but we’re not and also I think it is very very likely that she invited me out of familial obligation since when I had my kids/got married her level of engagement was to send an email congratulating me in all caps–no gift/calls. my step dad would likely pay for me to go, but I am kind of like “fuck it”, but my husband says she is family so I have to. What do you say?

If you are looking for someone to tell you you don’t have to go to this wedding then boy have you come to the right place! I strongly believe that people should only go to weddings if they want to. Unless you are literally a best friend or a mother to the bride or something, in which case you do have to go no matter what, you can pretty much skip it if you have any reasonable reason to do so. I say this as someone who has been married at a wedding, to which several invitees RSVPd in the negative, and it did not for one second cross my mind to be miffed or hurt at all. People have lives; people live far away; people are broke; people are going through their own things. People have other weddings to go to, they don’t want to spend their entire summer schlepping around the country to weddings! Come on. It’s so wonderful that so many people did come to my wedding! I was so touched! It would never occur to me to be mad that there weren’t MORE people there paying attention to me! Real Talk To Brides: if you are mad that someone can’t come to your wedding, I am 90% sure it’s because you are having some sort of paranoid Bridezilla persecution complex. CHECK YOURSELF! Unless it’s your best friend or your mom, can’t you just relax?

Never has this advice been more passionately given than in your case, Letter Writer, for truly, who even is this person? Your ex step-sister who you are not close to and never talk to? It’s SO FINE to skip this wedding, I can’t even tell you. She won’t mind at all, unless she is mentally unhinged, and if that’s the case that’s not your problem and you can’t fix it anyway. Send a really sincere card and gift and then do that thing where you swipe your hands together like “that’s that!”

My own cousin didn’t come to my wedding–my cousin who I AM close with and who I love–because she had a small baby. I can not think of a more legitimate reason to skip a wedding than the fact that you have small children who require every second of your time and attention. You’re supposed to leave your children and get on a $800 plane ride you can’t afford to go to a wedding by yourself and watch somebody get married you aren’t even that close to? I say NO WAY!

The final thing making me so secure in my advice is your sense that SHE invited YOU only out of the same “familial obligation” that is now making you feel like you ought to go. Break the cycle! Everyone who makes a guest list for a wedding makes it hoping/knowing that like 20% of the list won’t be able to come. You also invite people you KNOW won’t come, just because you kind of have to send them an invitation for whatever reason. I find it highly likely that you are in that category for this guest list. Thus don’t stress about it. Seriously. A heartfelt card and gift is plenty. You should not feel even a single moment of guilt!!! Under no circumstances would I go to the wedding if I were in your shoes. ZERO CIRCUMSTANCES.

Dear Yours Truly,

Sincerely,
Undecided

This is a hard situation. Most people enjoy loving and being loved; having sex; etc. It’s famously difficult to say “I shouldn’t be with anyone for awhile” and then stick to it when your heart/wiener is enjoying stuff with a person. The thing that makes it easier in this case, I think, is that the person you’re with right now doesn’t sound right for you. It sounds like there is more making this non-ideal than simply the timing. I’ll expand at some length and then return to this idea.

First of all, relationships are weird. The concept of staying with one person for decades is very strange. It makes sense to me that there are people who find this concept unappealing. But even for people who like the concept and want the concept in their own lives (and I count myself among this group), it is difficult to actually accomplish. I think it’s difficult because ideally a person changes a lot throughout the course of their life, and it’s very hard to create a relationship with another person that provides the stability and continuity that is the whole point of long-term monogamy with enough flexibility and openness to allow for personal growth and change. This is what people mean by “growing together.”

I know there are successful couples who got together as young as you were when you started dating your ex. It can totally work. My aunt and uncle have been together since 8th grade and you can see they are still totally in love, and I think that’s awesome. But I do think it’s less likely to work than relationships that form when one is a bit older, a bit father along one’s life path. Your 20s are a time of such unusually action-packed personal growth and change. When I think of myself at 20 and myself at 28 they are like two almost unrelated human beings; already I can tell that me at 30 and me at 38 are not going to feel as far apart, barring some sort of horrible tragedy or apocalypse or me being dead by then or something. Change slows down as you figure out your career, as you get comfortable in your own skin, etc. At 20 I very much did not know who I was; at 29 I kind of had a handle on it. So it makes sense to me that it’s hard to stick with the boyfriend you had at 20. I don’t even want to think about what my life would be like if I’d stuck with the dude I was dating at 20; you don’t even want to know.

So first of all I think congratulations are in order: you finally left a relationship that was not bringing enough joy and positivity and fun into your life. You left something stale even though it was familiar and comforting, and that is brave and I’m so happy for you. Now you can grow and change a lot more quickly, without the cage of this relationship keeping you tied to your habits and to older versions of yourself. My old man likes to talk about “getting on the path to the truest version of yourself.” He said if we moved to California and went to grad school this would happen, and he was right. But I think about it a lot. All these different paths you could take, some of them fine, some of them bad, but some of them great and really perfect for who you truly are.

ALSO, I think it is very normal to feel like you haven’t developed a tough group of friends, after this near-decade of solitude with your ex. But it is never too late! I used to think I’d made all my friends in college and would never make another; now when I look around I see that fully half my friends are friends I made after college. One of my closest friends now I only met 3 years ago! Who knew?! There are all kinds of ways to meet people. Go to parties your acquaintances invite you to. Go to meetings of the local sea turtle society or whatever. It’s awkward but the more you go to stuff the better you get at socializing. Go to a party and ask people questions and when they are interesting ask them more questions and then suddenly you will be friends. Pick a couple existing friends and make an effort to get deeper with them. Challenge yourself to be more social than you believe you are comfortable being. Be open to overtures; be open to all kinds of random people and their weird lives; go to shows, go to events, be open and smile at people, and I really think you will eventually make some friends. All kinds of ways to expand your social circle! Go take a class or join a club. One of the friends I made post-college, I literally met her because I started going to shape note singing clubs around town, and she was there, and we were the only ones who weren’t old midwestern farm wives (exaggeration) and we started hanging out, and I LOVE HER. Such a great friend to me! These things happen. Way easier to make friends than to find the Love of your Life. And now on to the real talk, which is about how this guy is not the love of your life:

You immediately started dating someone new: this is very common, even though everyone says it is bad. You also started dating this person, be honest, kind of before you even broke up with the boyfriend. This is also totally common even though everyone says it is bad. So just speaking generally, I don’t think it is necessarily/automatically a horrible doomed thing to start dating someone right after breaking up with someone else. I started dating my old man like 2-6 months after breaking up with my previous boyfriend, depending on how you define “dating.” I feel great about it and have never regretted it. But this brings me to the first

Mitigating Factor:

You don’t seem to feel great about it! You don’t even seem to like this dude that much!!! Here’s some of the ways you describe this dude/this situation: “substantial bumps in the road,” “ambivalent,” “would rather break up with him and not bother,” “really irritate me,” “freak out about growing old,” “make me feel older than I am,” “irritate me,” “cycle,” “relentlessly questioning your decision.” To be fair you also use the word “amazing” but only in the context of “when things are going well.”

In my opinion, an actual serious good relationship never, never needs the qualifier “when things are going well.” I’ve said this before. If you have to say “when things are good, they are good!” it’s like, duh. That’s a tautology; it’s not meaningful. The real trick is for things to be good even when they’re annoying or boring or you’re fighting about something. And that is very, very, very rare, which is the reason most people break up with a million people before staying with one person finally. It is very hard to find someone with whom it is good even when it’s bad. It is the beautiful paradox of successful relationships.

If you were unproblematically happy with this dude and just felt kind of conceptually bad because you feel you OUGHT to wait longer before partnering up, I’d say, don’t worry so much! If it feels good do it. However, it clearly doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel good if it only feels good part of the time.

Mitigating Factor:

You are so intensely on the fence, girl! And you are expressing this by telling me you basically don’t believe in yourself. And I think that’s sad as hell and something you should try to get out from under. Believe in yourself! You’re all you’ve got in this world; you need to forge a powerful and passionate bond with yourself, your instincts, your knowledge of who you are and what you want. You seem disturbed by how you don’t trust your own instincts. You stayed for years too long with your ex even though you kept telling yourself you should leave; you keep breaking up with this dude and then deciding you were wrong to do so; it sounds like you are letting these fellows govern your actions more than you yourself would like. I understand how hard it is to resist a nice man sobbing and begging and demanding that you not break up with him, that he will be “devastated” if you break up with him, but honestly, that’s his deal, not yours. Which also makes me think of another

Mitigating Factor:

Red flags! This dude sends up red flags in my brain like crazy. I am almost out of flags, that’s how many I am waving in the air right now. A 50 year old dude, without much success in previous relationships, who is immediately “so in love” with a 28 year old girl he works with? A dude who will be “devastated” if she breaks up with him after like 6 months of dating??? I am all for grand romantic gestures, and I fully believe that you are an amazing and beautiful woman, but nonetheless from your description this guy sounds just a little bit unhinged. Or at the very least, too intense. He’s putting pressure on you that he has no right to put on you. He’s a grown-ass man, and you’re a 28 year old just getting out of the relationship you’ve been in for your entire adult life; if he were a real grownup, he would know how to gently and calmly give you space. He would know that you are at a different time in your life than he is. He would understand that you have some stuff to figure out. I don’t think dating someone 20 years your senior is automatically a bad thing, but I do kind of think that a 50 year old dude who’s never had a successful relationship and who is putting this kind of intense teenage-style romance angst on someone so much younger than him might have some issues that go way beyond your relationship, or you generally. And that’s fine, I’m sure he’s a good person! We all have our issues! I’m just saying….

Also, although I think dating someone 20 years older than you can be perfectly awesome (I know two different couples with this kind of age difference, both very awesome), I think YOUR OWN discomfort with this trend in your dating life is a red flag for me. Furthermore, it’s a red flag having to do with a previous mitigating factor, which is your self-doubt and your difficulty believing in yourself. You say you suspect you keep dating older dudes because it’s easier to be the “hot young girlfriend” category than it is to actually engage with someone at your own life-phase level or whatever. So you’re afraid of dating people on an equal footing; you’re afraid that dudes your age won’t like you; you don’t believe that you are rad and deserving of a relationship with someone that’s independent of this power dynamic. None of these things are true! And being afraid that boys your own age won’t like you or won’t appreciate you doesn’t seem like a good enough reason to date older men, to me. You should date older men if you specifically like and are attracted to older men. You should never date a certain kind of person only due to fear or self-doubt.

If your instinct is that he irritates you, you don’t totally love being with him all the time, you’re ambivalent and kind of want to be single, you’re mildly disturbed by the fact that you’ve only dated much older men, etc. etc….then I’m not sure what is your reason for staying, really. Which brings me to another

Mitigating Factor:

You feel powerless: The way you describe this situation sounds intense and I wonder if you are aware of it? Even though you yourself are telling me these things I wonder if you have really stepped back and looked at what you are saying? You are basically telling me that you feel it is impossible to break up with someone who is demanding to date you so intensely. You’re saying he loves you so much that you feel obligated to stay with him. And you’re saying that, basically, you want to break up but every time you do you then tell yourself that you are crazy and wrong, so that you can go back to doing the thing the dude wants you to do. These are your descriptions!

What I am hearing is that it is awesome to have sex with a new person and it feels good, which is totally real and normal and nothing to be ashamed of. And I am hearing that you like this guy, and that you do have some fun stuff and good times with him. And I am hearing that when someone loves you so much and puts that romantic energy out at you so intensely, it feels exciting and like you’re alive, after feeling numb for so long in this boring old relationship you’ve just extracted yourself from. All of this is SO understandable, and normal, and reasonable.

But again, to sum up the red flags: you’re ambivalent, he really irritates you, you kind of just want to be single for awhile, you’re disturbed by your tendency to date older men and you think it’s due to them seeming lower risk, which also disturbs you that you think that. This dude is somewhat intense and demanding, in terms of your emotional output, which is unfair given where you’re at in your life, and which is creepy given his age and how he should know better. He’s never had a successful relationship even though he’s been sexually active since before you were born; why will this relationship suddenly be successful for him?

And bottom line the biggest red flag of all is that this is causing you stress and you are writing to advice columns about it. If this were a positive thing in your life you wouldn’t need advice. You wouldn’t be stressed about it.

I can’t remember if I’ve written about this here before but oh well: When I was breaking up with my first real boyfriend, it took forever, for many of the reasons you describe, and also because I was inexperienced, which, even at 28, you are too! You’ve only had one boyfriend! It’s totally fine, but I think you have not had the same experience with the vast panoply of red-flag-waving dudes that perhaps other 28 year olds who have been dating a lot have had. So but anyway, when I was breaking up with my first real boyfriend, I would literally talk to myself in the mirror. “What are you doing? This guy’s a jerk. If you break up with him maybe you can get Mark to french you [editor’s note: it never happened, alas].” I’d tell myself to go break up with him, and I’d do it, and he’d cry, and we’d get back together, and I’d be a weird mixture of exhilarated (by the passionate romance drama) and oppressed (by the oppressive relationship). Finally one day I told myself this was it, I was really going to actually do it, and stick to it. And so I painted one of my thumbnails red. While I painted it, I told myself all the reasons I wanted to break up with him, and all the reasons why I’d be happier, and all the reasons why it was the right decision. I told my future self: “when you are breaking up with him and doubting your decision, look down at this painted thumb and remember all this shit I told you, and remember how mad I’ll be at you if you go back on this decision.” And it worked! I broke up with him. I looked at my thumbnail. I literally stuck to my guns only because I knew how disappointed my past self would be in me if I didn’t. We did it together, past, present, and future me! And painted thumbnail! And it worked, and we broke up, and it was awesome, and I got on with my life.

I think what you are telling me is that you want to break up with this guy but you are finding it hard to find the resolve. Maybe reading this advice will help you get to that place, or maybe you should paint a thumbnail red and remember this sad, confused, ambivalent letter you’ve written to me, and remember that this is not how a good relationship should make you feel. And remember that you deserve to find yourself on your own terms, and you deserve to take some time to figure out what you want out of life and out of a relationship. Remember that this is not about him, it’s about you. You’re sorry he’s upset, but this is something you have to do, for YOU. You aren’t his mom. You owe him nothing but regular human compassion. He has brought you some good things and shaken you out of your funk and you have enjoyed many aspects of dating him, but it’s just not going to work, and you’re sorry, and tell him to please not call you for awhile. Look at your red thumbnail and remember how good you’ll feel about yourself when it’s 24 hours from now and you haven’t gone back to him. When you’re out with a friend, or at a yoga class, or reading a book you’ve always wanted to read, or going on a trip by yourself, or months and months from now when you’re on a date with a boy your age and you’re seeing what that feels like…remember all those future times and how glad you’ll be that you didn’t waste any more time in this situation that is not really what you want.

Don’t go visit his family with him!!!!!!! If you’re going to break up with him sooner or later, I say don’t go on the family trip. It will make you feel so incredibly awkward. Them all assessing the new girlfriend, delicately asking you about marriage, who knows. Him proudly showing you off. You all the time thinking “god when am I going to get the chutzpah to ditch this dude?” It’s terrible. Don’t do it. You’ll hate it. And it will prolong the break up, because then you’ll get back from the family trip and you’ll be like, well, I can’t break up with him NOW, right after this intense family trip, I’ll have to wait awhile. And “awhile” will become longer and longer. And before you know it you’ve spent years with a dude who frankly you really are not that stoked about.

If after a year of being single and happy and figuring yourself out you are like “no, for truly I was in love with that dude from before,” then I imagine he will still be around and you can reconnect. But I really do not see that happening! GO FORTH, SISTER! Go into the world and meet it on your own terms and live your own life for awhile, and figure out what it is you really want out of a dude! For one thing, there are lots of dudes you can just have fun sexy times with who won’t put this kind of intense emotional pressure on you–find one of them, if you want to explore your sexy self without committing intensely! That is a very normal thing for people in their 20s to do with one another! Take some time to just not date or sleep with anyone, though, too, if that feels right. Eventually, after awhile of just being your solo self and maybe having sex with a couple nice guys without dating them, you can then actually date other kinds of dudes and see what it’s like! Young dudes! Old dudes! Weirdos and nerds and hunks! Dudes who want to go camping; dudes who know about wine. Dudes who do web design; dudes who love Charlie Rose; dudes who like to cook. Fat dudes, skinny dudes, dudes of all creed and color! Oh the dudes you’ll meet! Go to a hippie hot spring and take off all your clothes and sit in nature and think about the cosmos. Life is short, why add stress that doesn’t need to be there? You’re 28 years old, why are trying to make yourself stay in a relationship that doesn’t feel that awesome to you? The longer you stay with this dude, the worse are your odds of getting yourself together and moving on and changing and growing and ultimately finding a dude who actually thrills you to the bottom of your heart. Who challenges you and excites you and makes you feel good. Who you can talk to and argue with without it making you feel horrible. Who you trust, who you like, who you will stand by and who will stand by you. So many dudes are out there who could be these things for you.

If you want a life partner you need to think about that word PARTNER. A partner isn’t someone you just happen to be stuck with. A partner is someone who makes your life better, who brings out the best in you. A partner is someone you can not imagine your life without. I think it’s perfectly normal to want a life partner–I certainly want one, and enjoy having one–but that desire should not motivate you to just jump into awkward partnership with any Tom, Dick or Harry who proclaims his love for you all over the place.

You’re in an awesome spot and you’re full of potential right now. I say embrace the transitional time, embrace the huge life change of getting out of this long-term relationship, embrace uncertainty and letting yourself change in all the ways you weren’t able to before. Don’t spend another second of your life stressed out, for any reason, about this dude. There will be other dudes to be stressed out about later. And then ultimately there will be a dude who doesn’t stress you out AT ALL, and when you find him you’ll remember this letter, this dude, and you’ll laugh so hard, and that will be a great day for you!

in women’s self defense class we closed every session by sitting in a circle and chanting “I AM A STRONG AND POWERFUL WOMAN, YES!” and slamming the floor with our hands. That’s what you need to do, right this minute! You can do it literally or you can do it figuratively, but you do need to tell yourself that you are a strong and powerful woman, and then say YES, in some way, to that, to yourself, to life, to your future. YES!

Dear Yours Truly,

Working Girl

Wow! Reading your question, I kept coming up with the advice I’d give you, only to find that you’d already given and taken that very advice for yourself. At first I was like “talk to your boss,” but then you explained that your boss(es) don’t really have any info that could be helpful to you, because this isn’t their purview. So then I was thinking, “ask a friend in the biz,” but it sounds like you don’t have any, save for your non-journal-acquiring librarian friend and your mad former boss. Then I was thinking “try to get a meeting with somebody at a different journal,” which, as you then point out, is pretty awkward.

I’m still thinking that last one might be a good bet. Not everyone has a “kill or be killed” attitude with regard to their career, right? I am in the academic humanities, and while there are definitely some Me First types who jealously guard their syllabuses and won’t give advice to anyone for fear of losing their own small leg up in the world, I have also come across just as many–if not more–people who are actual human beings about the whole process. Colleagues who share syllabuses and job materials and templates; older professors who are super kindly and want to help the new crop of scholars; I even had the chair of a department where I did a disastrous job interview call me later and give me really, really loving (if brutal) advice, and it made me 100 times better at my next job interview. So these people, I have to believe, are also out there in your field, which after all is very related to academia.

Some of them are jerks, no doubt. An academic publisher made me cry one time. But then that same day, a different one could not have been warmer or more human. So, just like everywhere, your field is probably a mixed bag of kindly older mentor-figures and shitty assholes. But how do you find one of the former while avoiding the latter?

I think your instinct–that what you need is a mentor–is exactly right. You describe this exciting rags-to-riches career explosion that is pretty exhilarating to read about, but since it happened so quickly and since it wasn’t the thing you’d been planning on, you’re coming in half-cocked, as it were. This seems very reasonable to me, and I’m sure your bosses understand it, and everything. But what you do need is a mentor, someone to answer questions and give advice. Someone who can give you a reading list and tell you how to educate yourself.

I wonder if this mentor HAS to come from academic publishing? Couldn’t s/he come from some other publishing world, which would then alleviate some of the awkwardness of asking a competitor for help? What other kinds of publications have to deal with these imperatives, of selling units and getting subscriptions and stuff? Could you talk to someone at a fancy art magazine or weird literary journal? It seems like even someone not exactly in your exact field but still in a very similar situation could have tons of wisdom to pass on to you.

Librarians would also be good resources, as you clearly know. Have you tried to set up a serious one-on-one meeting with an academic librarian? I can’t totally tell from your letter. Like, a meeting that had nothing to do with you trying to “sell” to that librarian. A purely fact-finding meeting. Like, could you email the head of the graduate library at NYU or whatever and be like “can I please have an hour of your time to ask you about x,y, and z?” I have no idea how weird that would be but it seems worth a shot if you haven’t done it already.

Asking for help is awesome. Asking older, more established people for advice and wisdom used to be extremely normal and acceptable. Getting a meeting with some fancy businessman and then picking his brain. This is time-honored! I assume it is still done, and is still more-or-less normal, even though we no longer live in that Baby Boomer world of incredibly easy networking (“kid, you got the goods”). A person who is a decent, empathetic, human person, is going to still be all those things even when they rise to a cool established position in their career; they’re going to appreciate someone reaching out to them for help, unless they’re an asshole, in which case they probably just will never write you back, so whatever.

So also, do you go to, like, what are they called…like a job fair, but with publishing houses? At conferences there’s always all the publishers down in the basement, with all their new books on display, and desperate people with books they’re trying to sell can set up meetings with them, during which they will make those book-having people cry. Can you informally just start jawing with some of these colleagues, and then if you have a connection with one, or one seems like less of an asshole, can you be like “can I buy you a drink and just ask you some incredibly basic questions about this job?” I really don’t think that is very awkward. That seems so incredibly normal to me. I have already done that like 10 times for prospective grad students in my field–all of whom represent potential future competitors for me. Because that is what being a goddamn human is about. Trying to be nice and helpful! Making friends! Have you tried this tactic?

I think nice people appreciate openness and honesty. I think it is pretty charming when some competent young person is like “I don’t know what I’m doing, can you please help me.” This is basically how I passed all my math classes in high school and college. I think if you made a friend at one of these publishing fairs and then got martinis and just asked them your list of questions, that would be so normal and not weird. Write up your questions as simply and basically as you can get them into words and then just be ready to ask them whenever you get a chance with someone.

Can you ask your librarian friend to hook you up with the acquisitions person at her library, for a meeting? And then similarly just ask those questions and see what you get.

Also, aren’t there books or online resources for How To Succeed In Academic Publishing or whatever? I feel like there is an online resource for everything. Do you know this woman Karen Kelsky? It seems weird and janky and fake, but she actually gets serious rave reviews from all kinds of established people, and she wrote an article for the Chronicle and stuff. She is somebody who you basically pay to mentor you. I think her area is pretty firmly academia itself, but I wonder if she could point you in a direction, or I wonder if there is a similar kind of resource for people trying to get into publishing or learn about publishing? I definitely know for example in Portland there are all kinds of resources for starting your own publishing company or whatever. It’s not the same thing as what you’re doing, but I just wonder if there is a way to zero in on something helpful via thinking through all these other kinds of resources. This is the paragraph where I’m just throwing out ideas, in the hopes that one of them sparks a real idea for you.

Mentorship is important, and I do believe that there are people in every field who feel strongly about it. It’s just a question of finding those people. I’m also wondering about your mad former boss…is she crazy-mad or just regular mad? How much does she like you as a person? I’d like to believe that even if I were mad at my former company, I’d be able to separate that anger from my desire to help a younger colleague/friend who was struggling. Is there a way you can write her a super honest, thoughtful, respectful email, acknowledging the awkwardness and her anger but also just wondering if she might be willing to answer some questions, perhaps via Skype or even just in email form? The worst she can do is say “Your email bummed me out, I don’t want to do that,” which I agree would make you feel terrible, but I still think this option might be worth a shot. If she’s mad at your current bosses this could even be a way for her to be like “yeah fuck those guys for not helping you! I’LL HELP YOU.” This is probably how I would feel, if I were in this position, honestly. Maybe consider this option and write a draft of that email and stew on it for a bit, see how it feels.

I don’t know if any of this is helpful. I also do think that this is a wretched, wretched time for universities and libraries, financially speaking, and that it could very easily be the case that this is just a time when institutions aren’t subscribing to new journals. This could be one easy way into a broader career convo with a colleague. “Boy, universities sure aren’t subscribing to journals these days, huh?” I am picturing you like in Glengarry Glen Ross, tie loosened, bourbon in hand, bitching about the job with some buddies. See what they say to that, it could be instructive. Because while I’m sure you DO actually have a lot to learn about this job, it’s also very possible that your neophyte anxiety is just being unfortunately combined with unrelated economic issues, and making you feel worse than is necessary.

If any commenters have other ideas, please chime in!!!!

Also in conclusion: Great job making a rad new career for yourself after almost getting destroyed by academia! It’s such a success story and I am very happy for you.

Why is it okay for hip, secular liberals to believe in weird, unscientific things like “Mercury in Retrograde” and “Saturn Returns” and “Astrology” but not in weird, unscientific religious things like “god making a donkey speak” or “angels killing all the firstborn kids in egypt”?

I guess this is more of a general question than asking for advice, but it’s puzzling to me.

What a great question. You came to the right person too, because I am a raging atheist who does kind of believe in astrology and such. Or, you know, it’s not so much “believing in” as “thinking there could be something to.” A giant man in the sky telling people what to do just seems unlikely to me, whereas the influence of planetary bodies on our lives seems very reasonable. The moon makes TIDES HAPPEN, and that’s just the dinky li’l moon–what could be the effects of massive things like Jupiter, pushing and pulling cosmically as we are being formed in utero? It still is likely to be largely bullshit but frankly I don’t see how anyone could find THAT more “kooky” than the notion that an actual man-like entity is impregnating people and crucifying his child and killing every firstborn creature in Egypt and stuff. I think, for me, it’s the human-like consciousness imputed to “God” that makes it seem so totally hilarious and implausible. Nobody’s saying Jupiter is jealous that you made a golden calf or whatever–Jupiter’s just doing its thing. Its cosmic, inscrutable, non-human, yet empirically demonstrably real, thing, out there in the sky.

I think Mercury in Retrograde and Saturn Returns and all that oftentimes stand in for the unknown. Even a hip secular liberal is fully cognizant that there are vast tracts of experience, life, the earth, and their own unconscious, that are unknowable, and thus interesting/scary/humbling. Indeed, a secular liberal perhaps is even more cognizant of this than a dogmatically religious person, who has decided to hang all that unknowability on a hook labeled “Magical Man In The Sky” or whatever. Which is fine. However you want to negotiate the unknowability of experience is fine.

But so, being a secular liberal is hard, because then how do you explain or make sense of crazy shit that happens? A lot of people think this is the foundation of Romanticism for example, because after the French Revolution killed god nobody knew how to make sense of terror and hardship anymore (dramatic simplification). If these boils on my body aren’t god punishing me for sinful thoughts, then WTF ARE THEY, and why me? These are tough questions!

So you kind of turn halfway toward some dimly comprehended astrological platitudes about Saturn that really just help to create commonalities betwixt people of basically the same age and lifestyle (Saturn Returns! We’re all in this together, etc), and help you all kind of vaguely accept and deal with the unknowability of life. Which frankly is all that religion itself really is, when you get down to it. If turning 28 is tumultuous and scary because you feel like you need to finally become a Grownup, it can help to read up on Saturn Returns and be like, oh right, this is just a life phase. I’m not, like, uniquely fucked up. These are things people go through. It creates a sense of normalcy and kinship I think.

I also think it strange that people who believe in God often totally dismiss these other mystical possibilities. I would point out that astrology has been in use way longer than the bible.

I don’t think not-believing in a specifically Judeo-Christian concept of the metaphysical beyond has to mean you don’t believe in a metaphysical beyond.

I think everyone is different, but for me this stuff is not, like, stuff I fervently believe in/ascribe to. I kind of am agnostic when it comes to astrology. Like I said, the planets influencing life on earth seems way more likely to me than an omnipotent man-figure destroying a whole city because people are gay in it. I like the planets stuff BECAUSE it’s not Man. It’s just nature, the universe. I find the unknowability of the universe to be profound and unsettling, the modern encounter with the Sublime, a natural phenomenon that terrifies you and that you have to come to grips with intellectually in order to become self actualized. Black holes and shit? Dark Matter? I don’t even know WHAT’S going on out there. If the moon regulates menstrual periods and the tides, then what else might be going on with all that stuff floating around out there? And this is documentable stuff–the moon really does make the tides, and the cycle of the moon really does have something to do with periods, if you live in nature (did you know if you are having trouble ovulating you should sleep in pitch darkness for a week and then sleep with a nightlight on, to mimic full moonlight? And then you’ll ovulate?), the planets really are out there, moving around in their strange cosmic dance. A mild agnosticism regarding astrology–a kind of “well, who knows, maybe”–attitude about it, to me, seems perfectly reasonable. I mean I guess you can say that about Judeo-Christian God too, but the whole God thing is just so blatantly human-created and not founded in the real world. Just stories told to make sense of things. Stories some random 3,000 year old roving tribal people told around the fire, that got passed down randomly, amongst all the other roving tribal religions that could have been passed down, and that got canonized similarly randomly, just based on whatever the dudes at the Council of Nicea personally thought a religion should be like, and now it’s 2,000 years after THAT, and I’m supposed to be like “I don’t know, maybe!” when I think about God and Jesus? That just doesn’t resonate with me. It’s just as likely that 2,000 years from now they’ll think Harry Potter is “real.” What does that even mean. Shit in a book written down forever ago, who cares. I don’t know how historians can believe in God–you become too forcefully aware of how human hands have shaped the stuff we know/remember/write down, and how we process information in the first place.

The planets, though, are out there. And the moon really does make tides. And every single Leo I’ve ever met really is just like me in certain key respects. So then there’s this shrugging sense of, sure, maybe. I mean, at least it’s shit you can SEE and POINT TO, which your average secularized post-Enlightenment empirical westerner is supposed to find super meaningful. And it helps you kind of ponder the mystical shrieking void of unknowability that comprises almost the entirety of our experience. Just because you’re a liberal secularist doesn’t mean you don’t struggle with wonderment, with fear of death, with questions about how stuff works and why stuff is the way it is. And it doesn’t mean you don’t find comfort in some sort of explanation–your life is fucked up because Saturn’s in some weird position in the sky or whatever. It just means that the more dogmatic, human-hands-passed-down narrative version of that explanation doesn’t resonate with you, for any number of reasons. I mean, when you are a liberal secularist and you turn on the news, the window into “Christianity” you’re given certainly is not conducive to you thinking “hey maybe I’ll give that a try.” So that’s part of it too. Gross politics and identity politics.

I’m really into tarot cards. I don’t believe they are magic or mystical. I think they are a tool for figuring stuff out, working through stuff. Like therapy, or writing in your journal. You do a spread and you talk yourself through it. “The three of pentacles, hmm, does that mean I need an editor or does it mean I need to keep working on my article before submitting it?” You work through explanations for the cards until you find the ones that feel right, that resonate with you. Then it’s like you’ve just sat there and thought about whatever issue in your life, but you’ve just used the aid of these cards. That’s how I see it.

But to conclude, I find people who sincerely, literally believe in astrology and other magickal stuff to be pretty much just as annoying/creepy as the sincere religious amongst us. Because the bottom line for me is I try to be like Socrates–he said that the wisest man is he who knows he knows nothing. I guess I find CERTAINTY within any human-constructed method of making sense of stuff that can’t be made sense of to be tedious and kind of embarrassing. This idea that you KNOW. Oh yeah, there’s definitely God and Jesus. Saturn definitely influences our lives. There can be no “definitely”s when we get down to brass tacks in this area and so I guess I prefer a semi-serious shrugging agnosticism, in both areas, to certitude.

And just to get back to your question, I guess I just think everybody struggles with the unknown and with trying to cover it up or explain it a little bit whenever possible. And that there are very good reasons that a Christian worldview would not appeal to someone, but that this person might nonetheless struggle just as much with the unknown as any Christian does/should. And so that maybe there’s something expressed in this groping toward other ways of making sense of things that just means people aren’t satisfied with the handed-down ready-made answer and they want some other answer. But then being hip and liberal, they also aren’t that stressed out by it, so they don’t ferociously pour themselves into that other answer, they just kind of go “yeah whatever man. ‘Groovy.'”

Dear Yours Truly,

Sorry for being so long-winded in cataloging my own angst, but I wanted to give a clear-eyed view of things and my list of pros and cons. Deep thanks for tackling my question, and I look forward to any words of wisdom you are willing to offer!

Wow, so much stuff! Also fairly universal to our demographic (privileged Saturn Returns westerners with lots of choices who nonetheless live during a weirdly shitty time in their national history, fiscally speaking), so thanks for a great question.

The easy stuff first: you absolutely should not get a responsible bills-paying office job where you have to hide your identity. Bullshit! First of all, we’re all gonna die no matter what we do–on your deathbed are you really gonna be like “I wish I had just gotten an office job and pretended to be somebody else for 40 years, alas”? No way. I just really do not think there is any way that scenario could happen. Second of all, this is the aughts, not the sixties–there ARE no responsible jobs anymore. Everything is fraught with corruption and bullshit. The safest office job still probably won’t make you rich, so what would even be the point? Thirdly: any job that means you have to hide who you are is going to eventually be so soul-crushing that you’d be better off just living in the woods as a kooky hermit or something. In conclusion, life should not just be about settling for what’s the lowest-risk option. Life is not just about procuring the bare essentials to assure your continued aliveness. If we choose to live that way, we are choosing to say “fuck you” to the almost unimaginable privileges and riches we have been accidentally born into, in this time and this place and this subject position. No, you’ve got to grab life by the lips and YANK. Otherwise what is even the point of being alive?

Harder stuff: RISK!

Risk is scary. Risk is horrifying! We are by nature cautious creatures–we have to be, or we’d all be dead. We’re like little bunnies sniffing the breeze for the faintest hint of a hawk before venturing forth from our warm little burrows. And this is good–caution is good. But ideally you marry caution with a little well-thought-out risk, otherwise nothing ever happens and you end life right where you started except way more depressed.

The thing about Risk is that yes, it might end poorly. This is important to confront and fully internalize. You might take a big risk and it might go completely south. You might completely fuck it up and end up worse off than you are now. Okay, that’s just a fact. We’re all gonna die; risks don’t always work out; life isn’t fair. Facts! Deal with it!

Now that you’ve accepted that, though, think about it. Every time you leave your house you’re taking a risk. You could so easily die in a car crash but you keep driving your car. You know you might suffer heart break but you fall in love anyway. Life is always this delicate balance between optimistic risk-taking and acceptance of possible consequences. Because truly, nothing ventured nothing gained. What a great saying!

Or another way to look at it is in the Hamlettian sense. Is it better to accept the shittiness of your current life, or to fly to other evils you know not of? I just finished reading Frankenstein and am so struck by this moment of truth where Victor decides not to make the Creature a mate. The Creature has told him, “if you make me a mate, I’ll go away forever and never harm another human being, but if you don’t make me a mate, I will ‘glut the maw of death’ [note: awesome] and kill a thousand people.” So Victor says NO WAY, I will never make you a mate, because what if your mate is even worse than you, and then I will have unleashed TWO monsters into the world? What if you change your mind, and you AND your mate go rampaging around? This is so astonishing, because he’s basically choosing CERTAIN HORROR (the creature’s PROMISE to commit murder if his demands aren’t met) over the POTENTIAL for MAYBE horror (what if the creature doesn’t honor his promise to be peaceful). And why would anyone do that?

You aren’t Victor Frankenstein. Victor Frankenstein is the biggest piece of shit to ever walk the earth. He’s such a monumental ass that it’s hard to read that book, even though we’re SUPPOSED to think he’s an ass!

Any reasonable person knows logically that potential horror is better than certain horror. An office job is certain horror. Starting your own business is only potential horror.

Okay now think of the worst case scenario: you go fantastically broke. You are bankrupted! You fail. So, that’s pretty bad. But how bad is it, really? Will you be executed in the electric chair if you fail? Will an unearthly raging creature kill all of your family members if you fail? No. You lose all your money. I’m not making light of that–it would be devastating–but I mean, maybe the prospect of POSSIBLY losing all your money is still more felicitous than the certainty of hating your job every day of your life.

My grandfather hated his job every day of his life, and he was never happy, and he had a terrible marriage, and now he’s dying in a nursing home, and it’s like, what was the point of all that.

Plus, maybe you do get an office job you hate. You could STILL lose all your money. There are so many ways to lose all your money! My grandfather worked that shitty job and saved up a ton of money and now is spending every last cent of it on dying horribly for years. I mean, honestly, what even is money. I get that we need it, I’m not meaning to be blithe. I just think, money is never a sure thing no matter what you do. None of us are ever going to have much money anyway. And then we’ll all be dead, like I said earlier, and nobody needs money once they’re dead. I don’t know, fuck it.

Furthermore I would point out that you describe yourself as tired of being broke and worried about health insurance. So if you try, and fail, you’ll just be back where you started. You know? You’re ALREADY oppressed by money worries. You might as well give something new a shot, because it might pan out awesomely!

Existential stuff:

Bottom line, being challenged and working hard and learning new things and TRYING is awesome and the only way to continue being a happy person. In our privileged world it is our responsibility to not just sit around whingeing but to actually try to make something of what we’ve got. It’s funny because the way you open your letter could totally have described me when I was just marginally younger than you are now. I was bumming around, playing in bands, having a great life, with wonderful friends and boyfriends and whatever else. It was great! But I wanted something else, in addition. I wanted to not keep temping at random office jobs. I wanted a Career, in the broad sense of feeling like I had a vocation, something meaningful to do with my life. Not that playing in bands isn’t meaningful–it is–but for me personally I never felt 100% committed to that as a vocation. I wanted to challenge myself and I wanted to contribute to society in this particular way that I had been turned on to in college. And so I went to grad school, which entailed a lot of risks. First of all, leaving my community and my home was difficult for me. Secondly, grad school was hard, really hard. Third, I had to move to a city I genuinely don’t enjoy being in. Fourth, this was all in pursuit of a very fleeting chance at a super competitive career that I did not have (and still do not have) any guarantee whatsoever of realizing. And finally, and most importantly, going to grad school meant spending 3 years living apart from the person I knew should really be my life partner. Was I throwing it all away? Was I fucking everything up? Was I just going to be a failure anyway at the end of it all?

Not like I am this great success story, but what I mean to tell you by telling you my history is that I REGRET NOTHING. I swear with my hand on a bible that even if I never get a job, I will not regret these years I have spent living in weird places and going to school and writing a book. I don’t regret the 3 years apart either, they were super formative and instructive and ultimately fine. I loved grad school; I like who I am now more than I liked who I was before. My mind has changed in powerful ways that feel deeply satisfying to me. And no matter what else happens, I’ve also seen that I was RIGHT—this is a career that makes my life better; it’s something I’m suited to do. I found my vocation. If I never get to practice it fully, that would be sad, but it’s still incredible to discover it in the first place and be validated in your belief that it was a good fit for you. I remember the shiftlessness of my 20s, wondering “what am I meant to do, alas etc.” and now that angst is simply no longer in my life. Yes, it’s been replaced with new angst (what if I fail; what if I’m not able to practice my vocation) but I prefer it to the old angst. It’s good to find out who you are and what you’re really good at.

I think in figuring out how to start a business, you would be similarly challenged, and you would similarly learn a whole new realm of skills and concepts. I can’t even imagine! There will be so many things you’ll have to find out the hard way; so many unexpected things to think about. You’ll change, you’ll grow, you’ll incorporate new things into your worldview, you’ll learn new habits, you’ll overcome challenging obstacles. All this leads to a deep satisfaction that some office job that pays your bills can frankly never provide. Even people who DO have dumb office jobs have to have something else profound in their lives–children or something. Deeply focused hobbies. For me personally, not even this was enough–the nature of the office job itself oppressed me on a spiritual level I don’t think I could ever overcome.

And here’s the thing about doing something FOR YOURSELF (starting a business vs. just working for some office you don’t give a shit about) is that it ceases to be a “job” and just becomes “who you are.” I never think about my job as my job. It’s just who I am, it’s a fundamental and intrinsic part of my identity, and much of my leisure time is spent doing things for my job that don’t feel like that’s what I’m doing. Like I’m reading this book because I’m interested in it; I’m grading these papers because I want to see what my students are saying; I’m getting up at 6 and going to campus because I fucking love teaching and I’m excited to get there. When you choose a vocation because it suits you and appeals to you, instead of just choosing a Way To Make Money So You Can Support Your “Real” Life–when you turn your job INTO your Real Life–you reach this amazing place where you no longer have to bear that burden of hating your job or not wanting to get up in the morning or wishing for Friday. It’s wonderful. It’s beautiful. It’s hard to even describe how powerfully different it is. No longer having that separation between Job and Life.

So all this hard work you’re sort of afraid of, you have to understand that for the most part it wouldn’t feel like “hard work” in the sense you maybe mean. You know? Staying up until 2 in the morning trying to read Hegel and crying–that is something I would describe as “hard,” but was it as “hard” as dragging my ass out of bed for some job answering phones at a software company? There is literally no comparison between these levels of difficulty. One is hard because it’s intellectually challenging and because I want to do a good job at it because I care about it; one is hard BECAUSE IT IS NONE OF THOSE THINGS.

I think to begin this kind of extraordinary undertaking you’re pondering, you, obviously, make a list. Start at the beginning and break it all the way down. What things do you need to learn? They will probably be grouped in categories. Businessy stuff–getting a license, starting a bank account, applying for small business loans, how does all that shit work. Accounting. I have no idea, my heart shrinks from contemplating this kind of thing but that’s why we are all beautiful unicorns in god’s eye, each of us different. Then you’ll have a category that’s about baking–the actual nuts and bolts of what you’ll be doing for your business. Who can you apprentice with? Identify your strengths so you can build on them; identify your weaknesses so you can obliterate them. Work toward reachable goals. If you want to learn how to make a danish or a wedding cake or a vegan scone that doesn’t taste like a balled up toilet paper roll, find somebody who can teach you, then learn it, then check it off the list. Yeah, you start small. You don’t open a 12-oven bakery in the Pearl district right away. You start small, you create as firm a foundation as you can, and you go from there. And at first you’ll be broke, and scared, but you’re broke and scared now. At least then you’d be Doing Something Real.

As you slowly check things off the list, your goal will become more and more normal-seeming. Which is an amazing feeling. Goals slowly attained, what a blessing! They help you look back on your life and make sense of it; they help you feel like you’re actually progressing in your life instead of just treading water, getting older and older while the world changes around you. It may even start seeming less and less scary, as you actually accomplish all the little steps toward it.

You might fail. We all might fail. I might never get a real job; but then again I might get my dream job and immediately die of dreadful cancer. Fear of failure is one of the most dastardly albatrosses around the necks of so many of us. What is the point of not doing something because you might fail? Of course you might fail. You might get hit by a bus tomorrow but that doesn’t stop you from walking up Burnside to that Goodwill with all the Banana Republic. People who let fear of failure stop them from making changes in their lives end up stifled, stymied, bitter, cynical, emo, depressed, incapable of giving or receiving love, ashamed of how they throw away the incredible privilege they were born with, the gift of life, etc. This life is a crapshoot, and we have to be brave enough to open ourselves up to the myriad possibilities–exciting and horrifying–that are out there. We have to care enough about ourselves and our experience to at least TRY to take hold of the rudder and do something by choice instead of just letting the winds of chance blow us wherever. We should not be like Frankenstein, and just respond passively to whatever fate throws our way. We should be like the Creature, full of action and resolve and awareness of consequences. Yes they both end up dying in the Arctic full of sorrow, but one of them is just simply a cooler dude than the other. Be that cooler dude.

Have I got a question for you. Or rather, perhaps, a rambling plea for general advice. Sorry this is long, I have been out for drinks and am confused about the whole thing anyway, hence the need for advice.

Thanks!!!

This is a great letter, never apologize for length! How are you supposed to get at all the angles if you don’t ramble on a bit?

And there are so many angles…

I have read your letter a couple of times and this is one of those advice letters where I’m not totally sure what you’re asking. Are you asking me if it would be “settling” to try to throw in your lot with this guy who has never expressed the desire to commit to you and who you aren’t even all that into? The answer is probably yes. Are you asking me if settling is okay? Well, the answer is also pretty much yes, sometimes, although I don’t think anyone would say it was ideal. But it can be nice! Fine! If you don’t want to be single and you feel you’re getting old and you meet an okay guy you like pretty good who’s nice to you, sure, go for it, don’t feel bad. I was one of the ones who thought Mrs. Hughes should absolutely have married that random childhood friend in her old age, instead of continuing to live her dream of being a house maid (Downton Abbey reference, in case you are confused). Are you asking me if I think you should settle? This is trickier. I don’t know your life. I don’t know if settling is right for you, at this time.

With the exception of this guy, your life sounds cool. You’re a 30-something newfangled woman, who isn’t super focused on traditional womanly goals like Husband and Baby. You enjoy a lot of things about being single. You’ve got a life and a career and friends and this guy is just kind of ho-hum.

I say he’s ho-hum even though you list his merits. Lets examine:

– great sex. Great sex is not to be overlooked! It’s awesome! Sex is a big part of life, it’s a big part of what makes a relationship work. However, I am someone who’s always tooting the “sex isn’t everything” horn. I definitely think you have to have good sex with your ultimate life partner, but at the same time I don’t think good sex automatically makes someone a good life partner. For example:

– “some interests in common.” Oh girl, that is tepid praise indeed. I have “some interests in common” with almost everyone in the world, including George W. Bush (he exercises! he loves his dog!). I mean, I already think “we have common interests” is already making something sound kind of clinical, but “some” interests is even worse. You can have just “some” interests in common with your ultimate life partner if he is fucking stellar in all other realms and makes you feel like a million bucks and is devoted to you, but….that does not describe this guy.

– you have fun together. Again, important, but not enough of a plus to base a partnership on. I have fun with all my friends, but would marry very few of them and I’m sure the feeling is mutual.

– he’s nice to you when you’re depressed, in a way you haven’t encountered before. To me this is perhaps the most meaningful one! That’s probably a pretty special quality–that this guy is able to interact with you in a way you appreciate, during a time that is probably raw and weird and difficult for you. I can appreciate that this feels good, that you feel safe with this guy. But again, is “nice to me when I’m depressed” enough of a reason to decide to settle down with a dude in a boyfriend-style way, even though it doesn’t sound like you even like him that much?

I don’t know. Some interests in common, great sex, fun together, nice when you’re depressed–on paper, this sounds like an acceptable, if not brilliant, match, but I have to point out that the WAY you write these words is what’s tepid. You’re basically saying “he’s pretty good I guess, should I go for it?” Like of course no one’s going to be like “Yeah, go for it!” after hearing something like that. I kind of find that sort of question to be a bit sad. You say yourself you’re not desperate for a husband, so why are you so desperately trying to make yourself decide to try to turn this guy into a husband?

Furthermore, it doesn’t sound like he WANTS to be your husband!!!!! You have been sleeping together for YEARS, and somehow it’s never become a Thing, a romance, a partnership? AND it’s never been broken off? That’s a hard thing for me to imagine, but that’s just me, I know. Still you know what gives me pause? That after all these years, he suddenly got back together with an ex and then was just like “it’s over, you can call me if you want.” That, to me, does not sound like someone who’s going to become boyfriend/partner material anytime soon. I feel like if you guys were going to Fall In Love it would have happened by now. And now it sounds like you’re trying to talk yourself into Being In Love with him, when really he’s just your friend you happen to have incredible sex with. I should note you don’t even talk about him like he’s your “best friend.” It’s like there’s no passion whatsoever in any of your feelings about him. You seem mostly just confused about what this relationship even is. I don’t think that’s enough of a reason to try to make it into a big serious thing, just to see if that ends up being a good idea. You’ve already invested years!!!

In addition to half-heartedly laying out his praises, you also tell me his flaws. Some of them (futon, doctor) are sort of normal, although I understand you finding them troubling. But lady, “not great at communicating” and “hard to trust or count on?” “Not reliable?” This is who you want to hitch your wagon to the star of? He doesn’t care if you’re part of his friend group; he doesn’t care if he’s part of yours. There are two issues here:

1. It doesn’t sound like you want to be his girlfriend
2. It doesn’t sound like he wants to be your boyfriend

These two things together make me go: ??

I think maybe what you’re feeling is the desire for A boyfriend, even though you say you’re not super focused on that. I think in being confused about this guy who is obviously not boyfriend material, you may be revealing that you actually are feeling the desire for a boyfriend. You feel like your friends and family are scattered and you’d like somebody consistent and stable in your life. That’s obviously not this guy, but since he’s the guy you’ve currently got, part of you is trying to turn him into that. To me, this makes sense and I can totally empathize. I also don’t think it’s bad or weird to “want a boyfriend.” Partners are nice. Partners provide a safe space, a rock in the middle of this swirling river of life. Coming home to a partner is a wonderful thing. I should stress however that I mean a “GOOD” partner. An actual partner. Not a guy who sleeps with you for years and yet somehow never becomes even your boyfriend, much less a Life Partner Style Person.

OKAY but lets get to the other part of your letter, which is this question about is it just a dumb Secret-y thing to believe you need to get rid of this frankly kind of random-sounding dude you’ve been boning for years in order to find The One.

I don’t believe in The One, but I do believe in The Ones. I think there are some people out there who are going to be amazing matches for you; who make you feel good all the time; who communicate well; who you trust; who want you to be a part of their life; who think you’re incredible; who want to be devoted to you; who challenge you in exciting ways; with whom you will have great sex. I think there are probably like at least one thousand people in America you could have that with. Maybe more like 10,000, I don’t even know. I just think that in spite of the mystical alchemy that makes a Good Relationship, its nuts and bolts actually aren’t that fucking hard to figure out, if two people like each other, aren’t psychotic, and want the same thing, which is to have a nice life together.

So, is this guy one of those guys? It doesn’t sound like it, but only you can know for sure. There are probably a trillion red flags in your letter, not the least of which is the fact that all your friends wish you would just get rid of “this jerk” already. If all my friends thought the guy I was boning was a jerk and they were sick of hearing about him, I’d think something was probably not going well in that area. I can tell that you already know this.

But so, if he’s not one of The Ones, then is continuing to bone him for the entirety of your 30s and beyond, indefinitely, going to be non-conducive to actually finding one of The Ones? And in this case my gut instinct is YES.

Why? Because even though he’s Not Your Boyfriend, and even though It’s Just Casual and even though frankly it doesn’t even sound like he’s all that nice to you (friend group issues; trust issues; communication issues; getting back together with ex and unceremoniously dumping you issues), he’s still occupying the spot in your life that is the Dude I’m Boning spot. I think if you are honest with yourself you will see that you ARE dating him. You’ve been dating him for years. You are thinking about him; wondering about him; “freaking out” when he does certain things. You are writing tortured letters to internet advice columns asking what you should do about this non-relationship relationship. All this means that actually NO, you’re NOT open to the possibility of finding another dude who is perhaps better suited to you! AND, you’re not actually living the self-fulfilling single life, either–this is very clearly NOT AT ALL “just a casual thing!” How are you supposed to be “dating yourself” when you’re actually dating this guy? How are you supposed to be all fresh and happy for Mr. Right to pop by if you’re sitting at home wondering if you should try harder to make yourself want to be with Mr. Wrong enough to try to force him to want to be with you too? Jesus!

I don’t think casual sexual relationships are bad at all. I think they can be great, and fun! But if they go on for years, and if they ultimately start bumming one of the parties out (you), and making her ask all kinds of sad questions about Should I Try To Force This Into A Real Thing Because It’s Starting To Feel Weird, then I think maybe all the casual joy has been wrung out of the situation and now maybe it’s time to start a new phase of your life, one in which you are NOT not-dating this guy.

Ask yourself what you get out of it. He sounds like an okay friend, although one you don’t share other friends with. But you know, you have fun with him, he’s nice when you’re depressed. What else do you get out of it though? Don’t you have lots of friends who are fun? What are you getting out of this situation? Is it the sex? It might be time to try to find someone else to have great sex with. It sounds like this guy doesn’t provide you with any kind of Safe Space or deep emotional support in that good boyfriendy way, he obviously doesn’t make you feel that special, he doesn’t want a girlfriend because he’s in his late 30s and doesn’t know what he wants at all, like in his whole life…what exactly do you sincerely get out of boning this dude for years? Because honestly? Your letter DOESN’T SAY.

I do agree that asking for what you want–naming it–can be transformative. I guess I’m just wondering what it is you DO want. Do you know?

Maybe make a list. “What I want out of some sort of boyfriend figure.” It doesn’t seem like a whole lot of the things on that list are going to apply to this guy.

I want to stress that I’m not saying this guy is a jerk or anything. I think he’s just kind of a bum, which is fine. It sounds like he’s being honest and everything, like he actually sees your humanity and doesn’t want to hurt you. I’m sure he likes you! But is that enough of a reason to decide to try to get him to be your boyfriend? He sounds like a bum with no great ambitions in the personal development area (desire for endlessly casual sex rather than relationships; futon). I think it is a fool’s game to try to turn a wishy-washy bum into some sort of delightful stable life partner. It just doesn’t sound like who this guy is, fundamentally.

Just judging by the tone of your letter you just seem kind of exhausted with this situation and with this guy. You seem not very passionate about him. You seem ambivalent about him. You seem tired and a little disturbed by how long this has gone on and you seem a bit exasperated with yourself. This all does seem to point to some advice: Unequivocally break it off with him, ask yourself some deep questions, shake things up a bit, get a haircut, and try ACTUALLY BEING SINGLE maybe. Because right now, you aren’t single. Maybe you’ll like actually being single a lot more than you think you do! Maybe you’ll figure out more about what you want in a dude, for real, and thus be more likely to get it.

How to walk away from him? The age-old question, and yet the answer is simple. You just do it. You say “you’re a good friend and I love you, but I want something more out of my life, and I want a fresh start, and so I don’t want to have sex anymore and lets not talk for awhile. No hard feelings?” and you shake on it. Easier said than done, obviously, but still that’s basically it. And if he comes at you with apologies (? what’s he apologizing for, if you are explicitly not dating this whole time? You are clearly dating!) you say “thank you, but this isn’t personal. Please don’t call me for at least six weeks” or something. You tie a piece of string around your finger that reminds you you made this decision and you aren’t going back on it even if in the moment you want to so bad. Yes, you’ll be sad, because he’s been your boyfriend for years and there will feel like there’s a hole in your life where casual sex with him once was. But that hole is part of the process–filling it with other stuff, I mean. That’s how you grow and learn and get to a different place in your life and in your personal development. Of course it hurts, but that’s life. Breaking up with someone hurts. CHANGE hurts. Confronting stuff you don’t want to confront hurts. Addressing stuff in your life you want to be different, and then taking steps to make it different, hurts. Starting to exercise hurts. Getting that rotten tooth removed hurts. Quitting sugar hurts. Quitting smoking hurts like hell! Missing somebody who was there for a long time hurts. But none of this is reason enough to not do these things, if you know they are for the best. Giving birth to a baby fucking hurts but that’s how you get a baby! Terrible example since neither you nor I want to have children but you know what I mean? Pain is built into life; pain is part of change and growth. Like when you’re a kid and your bones are growing and they ache in the night. You can’t make an omlette without breaking some eggs, etc.

I think bottom line, you should believe that you deserve happiness and a real partner if that’s what you want. AND you deserve an actually-fun Casual Sex Relationship, if THAT’S what you want. But what you have right now is neither, and that sounds like it sucks.

Ok, I’ll take you up on your call for advice. I’ve recently moved to a new city, finished school, and I am trying to make it in the world as a practicing artist. I think I’m doing ok–going to residencies and being in group shows all around the country–but how do I break into my new community here without looking like a douchebag? How do I get curators in my small city to think I’m cool without tooting my own horn so hardcore?

Well first of all, congratulations on these exciting new life changes! Moving to a new city, finishing school, and starting your grownup artist life, it all sounds very exciting and I congratulate you on being such a go-getter. It’s not necessarily easy to stick your neck out and take risks and be proactive/productive, so no matter what you’re already halfway there!

In terms of the actual Biz and how to Do That, I have no idea. My Biz is quite different than the one you’re trying to get all bizzed up in. However, I do think generally it’s probably a good rule of thumb to just remember what it’s like to break into any new scene, right? Which is to say, be kind of authentically yourself, and go do stuff that speaks to your interests, and slowly you will make friends/make connections, etc. I guess I don’t really believe there is some magic formula that makes curators suddenly give you your own show (? is this a thing (me = not an art dude)). One thing I’ve noticed in my own biz is that there is this impression that there’s this thing called “networking” and that some people are “good at it” and some people suck at it. Those who are “good at it” are what Dale Cooper would call glad-handing dandies. They’re the ones with the business cards; the ones going up to Mr. Famous Fancy Scholarpants and introducing themselves and discoursing cogently on some recent article of Fancy Scholarpants, somehow. And you’re standing in the background going “!!!!!” and “I could never!” and “I’ve never even heard of that journal!” Then you feel dreadful about yourself, because obviously everyone wants to hire Mr. Network and nobody wants to hire Mr. Never-Heard-Of-That-Journal / Standing-By-The-Free-Coffee-Wearing-The-Wrong-Shirt.

But I have a question for you, which is: do they? I am starting to think that the gladdest-handing dandies may not be the ones who get the hottest biz action. I am starting to think that actually the people who get the biz are the ones who are just cool and nice, and normal, and who you don’t mind talking to. I’m starting to think that “networking” is for douchebags, and what the rest of us are doing is just “meeting people and being normal.” After you’ve met enough people and been normal with them, you suddenly realize, hey, you actually know some big shots, or else hey, these people you befriended a year ago are going to do this cool project and they want you on board because you’re part of their gang now, or hey, somebody needed an extra person to do something for some gig and they thought of you, because they like you. I think this is what networking really is, and that the people who do it intentionally and with business cards and glad-handing are maybe not doing it right. Although I’m sure they often get the hot biz, don’t get me wrong, especially if they’re a looker (not sure what voice I’m going for in this entry, sorry about that).

I mean, I’m someone who has not yet landed my dream hot biz, so what do I know? Maybe the glad-handers do have all the luck and I’ll end up out on my ass. However, I do have a pretty great job currently. And you know why I got this job? Because the person who was going to do the job had something come up last minute, and she needed a replacement, and she named me as the replacement, amongst all the possibilities in the whole world. Did she do this because I said “HEY GREAT TO SEE YOU” and flashed her my big toothy grin at some function and complimented her on her article? No, she did it because we’ve known each other forever, and she likes me, and she trusts me, and she knows I’ll do a good job, and she wants to help me. I think that’s what networking really is. It’s just making friends and doing solids for each other. And the more you live, the more friends you make, and the more you try to help each other out and do cool things together.

I think the reason we maybe believe this isn’t the case is we think “networking” happens FAST. You meet somebody at a conference and they’re like “son I like the cut of your jib” and then the next day they make a phone call and boom, you’re hired at some badass job. But I don’t think it happens fast. I think you’re networking all the time, and it’s just called Living.

So, I guess my advice is, just go to stuff, and meet people, and talk about their work and your work, and stuff aside from work. Apply to everything you can apply to. When appropriate, put your foot in (like, if you’re an artist, do you ask a curator if you can show a piece in an upcoming show or something? I literally have no idea, but when I say “put your foot in” just know I mean “whatever your world’s version of ‘applying for a job’ or ‘doing an edited volume’ or ‘planning a conference’ is”), but don’t be overbearing. Remember that everyone in this scene has been making the scene together for a long time, and you just got there. Get the lay of the land. Talk to people who interest you, and be real with them. This means no horn-tooting. But then again, saying “I’m excited because I just found out I got this cool residency” is not necessarily the same thing as horn-tooting, unless you’re doing it constantly. But like, for example, go to a cool show, then find the curator and talk to them about the show, telling them what you liked about it and how you liked the colors of paint you saw or whatever artists say when they talk intelligently to one another about art. Don’t tell them about your own horn you can toot! Ask them about the show you just saw, ask them questions about it, and art, and curating, etc. Talk to them artist to artist, two experts plying their trade! What a delight! After awhile, you become part of the scene, and it’s great. I do not think this is douchebaggy. This is what you’re supposed to do when you move to a new place! This is how you make friends! etc.

I’m probably too idealistic but I just think this is the only real way to get it done in any biz, except probably actual Business, which I assume is full of douchebags constantly glad-handing.

It’s also possibly I have no idea how the Art World works and this advice is terrible. But this is the only way I’d know, to move to a new city and try to become part of a scene there, so this is what I told you.

Also, friend of the show Dr. Pizza recently wrote a guest column about some similar stuff, maybe you will find it helpful? He’s a practicing artist (musician) so perhaps his words will hit a bit closer to home for you? Dr. Pizza Ruminates

Dearest Mister Dickson:

Sincerely,
Ineed Advice

Ineed,

First let me say my what an interesting life you’ve led. You’ve packed in far more than your fair share of adventures for having only having had 31 years to squeeze them in.

Before I answer your questions, let me first get my fellow readers up to speed about the WK12 program.

12 is an experimental, creative ad school housed on the 4th floor of advertising agency Wieden+Kennedy’s Portland office. The program lasts roughly a year, and accepts only 13 students out of the hundreds that apply. As it’s a school, there is tuition.

The school is in it’s 8th year, and we’re currently recruiting for the 9th class. In fact, the application site is up, and we’ll be accepting applications until October 20th.

I say we because for the last going on three years I’ve been one of the directors of the program in addition to my copywriting responsibilities.

The basic philosophy of the school is learning by doing. We work with a handful of clients, usually local non-profits, creating ads and branding. Students answer real briefs, present work to real clients, and make real ads. There are also assignments, lectures, and all sorts of left and U turns. Ideally the students, who sit at one huge desk facing each other, function like a creative collective collaborating on art shows, phone apps, fonts, zines and whatever else they want to create.

The school is full-time. The expectation is students are in every morning, Monday through Friday, and work throughout the day to the end of it. There are late nights, and working weekends. Students get out of the program what they put into it. The more the better. Freelance is allowed, but not encouraged.

So as far your specific questions, let’s tackle higher education first.

There is no previous educational requirement. Certainly, a lot of students have college degrees, but not all. We want students who have interesting life experience like yourself. We want students who have critical thinking skills, and problem solving skills and have made awesome things. We want all kinds of different people who bring all kinds of different experiences to the table. That’s what makes it interesting.

As far as age goes, there is an age requirement. Students have be at least 21 years when the program begins, which will be sometime early next year. So you’re fine there. In fact, 31 is by no means old for a 12 student. Last year’s class had 4 students in their late 30s. Again, a mix of ages is nice.

So no worries as far as your education or age. Check and check.

You mentioned you have two daughters.

Kids give me pause. I have kids, and balancing kids and work is tough. And I’m one of the directors. I get to go home at a reasonable time. If the students work all weekend, I field emails, see the work on Monday morning, or come in on Sunday night if we have a Monday client presentation I absolutely have to see the night before.

I think we’ve had students with kids before. But it’s a tough, tough balance. Not impossible, but it’s a busy, busy year where you’re not going to see them as much as you like. So I’d give that some consideration.

The other piece of the puzzle is the tuition. It’s 13k. There is some scholarship money, but no one gets a full ride, much less a half ride. Plus there’s moving expenses and then living expenses like food and rent. So that’s a pretty big consideration too.

I should also point out that there’s no job waiting at the end of the program. A few folks usually get hired on at W+K, but most don’t. That said those who don’t usually end up at a great agency, assuming they’re still interested in advertising at the year’s end.

Really, it’s about having a year unlike you’re liable to have anywhere else doing anything else. It’s an amazing but at times brutal year. At least from what I can tell. After all, I don’t sit at the table, I sit a few yards away. But I can tell you most graduates would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

My advice, have a serious conversation with your wife. If she’s up for this, apply. See how far you get. You don’t get all the way, at least you can say you tried. If you get in, have another serious conversation with your wife, and your daughters. And take it from there.

I recently chose to separate from my husband of five years. He is an incredibly handsome and successful artist known all over the world. We lived and worked in the same space and were rarely apart for even a day. Finally after our baby was 2 he went away for 3 months to work in new York and when he returned we both realized how deeply unhappy we were. I have my own place and am starting my own business and have become physically healthier. I have no interest in a new partner. I want to be the best artist and mom I can be and a true individual. Yet I’m bothered by my frequent fantasies of the structured, group-oriented life of a nun or soldier. Thoughts?

This is an interesting question. You’re not depressed or sad or lonely or grieving, much, it doesn’t sound like. You sound focused and smart and very self-aware. You know what you want to do, and you’re taking the steps toward doing it–all great things. It must feel so good to get out of a situation that made you unhappy for so long, and to start running things your way again. How well I remember my last breakup, and the deep enjoyment I experienced just doing things like sitting alone in my new bedroom, or listening to an album my boyfriend had hated. Having your own space is always amazing, but especially after you’ve extricated yourself from a space involving another human who bums you out.

I feel like I totally get these structure-fantasies you’re having, though. The thing about change is that no matter how for-the-best it is, it’s always unsettling and even kind of sad. Not anything in particular, just kind of the experience of change itself, the concept of change. I feel like when we go through a big change it weirdly makes us feel time, the passage of time. It becomes a marker between two ages. It makes us aware of death and confusion–if this change is possible, then maybe literally anything could change! And that is both exhilarating and terrifying. I worked so hard to get into my first-choice grad school, and it was like a year of my life devoted to this task, and then once I’d attained it and had moved to a new city and was sitting on the floor of my new apartment I just started bawling on the phone to my mom. Even though everything had happened just like in my wildest dreams, and even though I was so happy and proud, it was still sad and scary. I felt unmoored and rootless, like just floating in the world. Change like that weirdly makes you feel small and cosmically insignificant, like nobody–god, the universe–actually cares what you do, if it’s so easy to just pick up and do it.

Added to this general change-malaise is the fact that your particular change involves moving from a super intertwined co-existence into an independent one. Which is wonderful and exciting, but also a major shift in the whole way you experience yourself in the world. And maybe it’s a little sad, too, even as it’s also awesome. Independence can be just as conceptually sad as codependence, in a way. Being Just You, Alone In The World! So then I think your fantasies of abbeys and armies make sense, at least in the way I’m thinking about Life Change and Independence. Who among us has not fantasized about being a medieval nun? Well, maybe some among us have not. But I know I sure have. Because the thing about medieval nuns is that there is no choice involved, no change, no nothing. That’s like the whole point of being a nun. They barely even moved! Sometimes they wouldn’t even SPEAK for 20 years! What a relief! They prayed all day and then made soup together or whatever. Sometimes, when bombarded with choices or decisions, or when going through a big huge change in the way your life is being led–and, in your case, when those changes specifically involve becoming independent and making all your own choices only in your own head–I think it makes perfect sense that a regimented, laid-out life path feels good when you think about it. If only someone else would make decisions for me; if only things were simple. What could be simpler than praying all day to a God you have no problem believing in? What could be simpler than just doing everything your drill sergeant tells you to do?

The funny thing is that obviously both soldiers and nuns have suffered terribly from things like doubt and guilt and anguish and uncertainty. But that’s why it’s a fantasy. You’re not really going to join a nunnery. Sidenote: isn’t it so weird that there are still nunneries you can join, though?

You’re trying to become independent, to become an individual to-the-max. We suffer from “grass is greener” complex–anything you’re trying to do, it’s easy to see how it would be so much easier if you did this other thing. Becoming independent is hard. The other thing is that, though it’s awesome, there’s also something melancholy about it. Perhaps people are SUPPOSED to live in big hierarchized (?) communities, like in olden times. Mean rich republicans aren’t the only ones who romanticize lost golden ages. We make the past into whatever we think is lacking in the present. For the mean guys it’s Jesus and women not being literate; for me it’s things like living in small tight communities and growing all your own food. Both of us conveniently overlook things like plague and feudal overlords coming and raping you all day long, and toothpaste not being invented yet. Also I just realized that I’m conflating the republican’s love of the fictional 1950s with my own love of the fictional FIFTEENTH CENTURY. But still.

For me, this sense of nostalgia for the nunly or soldierly life seems like it has a lot to do with a sort of fantastical nostalgia for lost ways of life, easier ways of life, simpler ways of life. Nuns don’t worry about being good mothers, because they don’t have children. Soldiers don’t worry about being more independent, because that runs counter to the whole idea of being a soldier. Neither group could give a single shit about being a good artist. What a relief, to not have to strive so constantly for independence and INDIVIDUAL EXCELLENCE! What a relief to lay down that burden, the burden that modernity in the teleological West has laid upon us, that each man must be an island of greatness unto himself, like we’re all trying to be that Caspar David Friedrich painting.

I think what you’re feeling is very understandable. I think these fantasies will fade with time, as you get into your new life, as things become more routine, as you start laying new neural pathways in the part of your brain that deals with how you think of yourself in the world. Right now your life is full of beginnings. You’re STARTING your own business. You want to become things. You’ve just now become physically healthier. In your life, everything is either brand-new or still nascent. Of course you fantasize about age-old structures and routines.

Your tarot spread right now would be all about the beginnings of cycles. I bet we’d see the Wheel of Fortune and the Tower, maybe the Hermit, maybe even the Moon. Cycles end and new cycles begin, and in the time in between them you are more open to your mind playing tricks on you. The Moon is about not being able to tell dream from reality, subconscious stuff rising closer to the surface than it normally would be. You have to keep tabs on it, and try to avoid the pitfalls your mind sets for you, so that you can move toward the Sun and consciousness and glory. The Hermit tells you to chill out and think about where you’ve been, so that you can step directly onto the best path when you start heading toward where you’ll go next. Maybe the 8 of cups, leaving things behind and flying to other evils you know not of.

(I just made up a spread for you. Like actually you’d probably just draw a bunch of random wands and I’d be like “uhhh…”)

I just think thinking of your life in terms of inevitable cycles can be kind of empowering. If things always do end, and always do begin, then you’re just in a very normal slushy period in-between, and uncertainty and weird fantasies are par for the course. You just keep your eyes on the prize–which you’ve identified and are clearly going to have no problem attaining–and forge onward.

Also, maybe accessing some tiny little ghost experiences of structure and regimented life would make you feel good? This is kind of a wildcard suggestion, but I just suddenly remembered how incredible it feels to go to Sacred Harp sings. This is just one example. But like, I strive for independence as much as the next person–and I’m pretty much as hatefully atheist as a human could be–but there were these couple years in the midwest when I was going to Sacred Harp pretty regularly. And I would cry while singing, but not from sadness, just from my heart being all filled up, from the experience of being together with comrades on the earth, making music together. Thinking about the history of that music, of people striving for belief and understanding in a cold, cruel world (“And am I born to die?”–my favorite SH lyric). Making pretty amazing sounds together, just using our bodies, reading the notes out of a book. The regimentation and group coherence is essential, in any kind of group music-making. And that felt good to me. I didn’t even know any of those people, most of them were old people from Des Moines, but singing loudly about death and sorrow in a big group felt like it was accessing some deep need in my spirit.

Is there something like this that could sort of soothe your need for structure and group life right now? Can you get super into a yoga class, or join a choir, or some sort of awesome older-person non-super-competitive sports team?

I’m not sure if that’s the right call for you, I just thought of it. There are lots of ways of experiencing regimented group life without literally becoming a medieval nun. The lice! Think of the lice!

Generally, I just think what you’re feeling about soldiers and nuns seems very reasonable. I think getting to the bottom of that fantasy (which, maybe my interpretation does that and maybe it doesn’t, only you can know) would help you to stop being bothered by it; would break its power to bother you. And maybe accepting it as a reasonable response to tumultuous life change and new independence? Newly independent–it’s so great! But it also represents a profoundly different way of being in the world. It makes total sense to me that you would have intense counter-independent fantasies. I never fantasized more about just being a farmer and never speaking to anyone again than when I was in grad school, you know? I think fantasizing about the opposite of what’s happening is very normal, and doesn’t mean you actually want that fantasy to come true. It’s just your brain trying out other possibilities. Our great power and our curse, we humans!

Good luck! I think you are going to be fine. Your new life sounds awesome.

I turn today’s column over to the illustrious Dr. Pizza, who is highly qualified to take on questions about being an artist, living in portland, and interacting with a music community. Any questions along these lines may be passed on to him in the future, because he is a wise wizard.

Q:
why is Portland so flaky? WTF

A:
grand statements like that are confusing for me to consider, and hard to take seriously. if you are finding a pattern of behavior in widely different people in your life, you must realize that you are the only constant in all of the equations. therefor, the only thing you can actively do to change the outcome is look deeply within yourself, and change your own behavior. its the old adage – “you can’t change the world, or other people. you can only change yourself. and even that is hard and probably bullshit” who said that? jung? deepak?

if you are specifically talking about trying to find new friends and collaborative partners in a new city, well, i think the best idea is to slow the fuck down. relax kid, you’re getting ahead of yourself.
you can’t expect everything to fall into place all at once, and it can become quite exhausting in this period of settling
you’ve only recently moved here and it will take a while for you to fall in with a proper set of friends. you probably know to look for friends at work or at concerts, dance parties, etc.
finding people with common interests means going to social events in that field. it also means networking, jumping from one friend, thru theirs and on and on until you’ve collected a group of people you might actually hang out with in the long term.

if you’re having trouble with people not wanting to become closer friends, or commit to hanging out, working on projects together etc etc, you might be dealing with double newbie syndrom.

as you get to know another person new to the city and they you, just like in dating, some might drift off and you might drift away from them.
i think the best thing to do is treat these new relationships very loosely and with many grains of salt. it would be wonderful if some of them stick around, but i’m sure you’ll know when you actually click with someone on a deeper level. you just have to get into the flow of friendship courtship and butterflying around until something, someone, a particular network sticks.
once you befriend someone, however temporarily, its important to meet as many of their friends as possible, and to share your other new friends with the new new friend as well.
this way, everyone has the best chances at finding a great new friend or two even if you dont become great friends with the initial contact.
but there’s no way to force this to happen. just be open and friendly with those you meet.
coming on too strong, just as in romantic relationships, can send the potential creative partner or friend running.

if i can make a generalization about the portland art and music cultures i participate in, its that its friends first, fun second, collaborative creative projects third.
everyone i know here has some sort of creative hobby or profession or outlet. you either play music or make art or do something craft oriented or you dance. i doubt this is true in general, but its true of the types of people i roll with. perhaps we’ve all selected each other over time and perhaps its because portland is such a “great place for creative people to live”… no one can ever really know the answer to that

anyway, in my networks, people generally expect to be taken seriously, no matter how amateur or professional their thing is.
due to widespread DIY ethics, the punk and grunge movements that swept thru this region, and perhaps because this is the last great isolated west of america, people tend to revere the amateur, and idolize the “pure” non-commercial pursuit of a creative life
just think of all the little shops, the little restaurants, food carts, bands, artists, galleries and boutiques that are everywhere in this city. they all speak to a creative class that is in love with small ideas pushed to market with modesty and a little bit of idealist zeal.
the bands that are the most successful exports from this region are all branded similarly.
the Great NorthWest – life’s different here.
Portlandia, the comedy t.v. series draws from many of these tropes… and, beyond the jokes about sustainability, eco-consciousness and other general hippy jokes, the show is a good way to understand the general temperature of portland’s young creative subcultures.

so i guess people expect that you would be woodshedding and will politely listen to your ideas and your project – as long as you listen back to them about theirs.
just because someone listens to your ideas doesn’t necessarily mean they are interested in collaborating. its just what people tend to talk about.
so in the end that might be why you think people are flaky about collaborating. you’re expected to talk about your projects and ideas, and listen to other people’s ideas, but there is absolutely no expectation to help each other unless both parties realllly want to, and are possibly having sex.
this town tends to move slowly. there isn’t actually THAT much going on, as much as the press would have you think otherwise. and there’s not a lot of outside influence. we’re isolated up here in this little riverside valley bowl.

anyway, to be a bit harsh: it sounds to me like you are probably over-extending, trying too hard to get something going. i understand that frustration and your patience is probably running out.
you’ll either have to find the patience to let yourself find a groove within this city, or you’ll move somewhere else. perhaps somewhere where you already have a few old friends to help you establish some connections.
i imagine, in the end, you’ll be alright.