GOOD LUCK!

It’s worth to note that during the time I didn’t know about my boyfriend and her, I picked up on subtle vibes and noticed certain boundaries that didn’t exist between them during my visits to their household from time to time. Also I have noticed her own behavior there and how she interacted with her boyfriend that influences my opinion of her. She also moved from her room (which was next to her boyfriends)from the top part of the house to a room close to my boyfriends room in the bottom portion of the house. She shared with me her reason for this and that was so she can express herself sexually without fear of being heard by the members of the top part of the household.
Trying to be enlightened and forgiving of myself, I attributed my hackles to this girl to be natural jealousy that can come up and tried my best to let the wave come and go and deal with what I was feeling or perceiving for that matter. But this has proved difficult with my boyfriends behavior and attitude. It should be noted that her boyfriend (also their housemate) works with and is essentially my boyfriends primary employer. They have also been good friends it seems but I do not know the extent of his knowledge about their relationship past.

I have since talked with my friend and heard his side of the story which he presented as taking some responsibility for what occurred between them, however also giving his opinion on her demonstration of possible promiscuity. She was involved with her current boyfriend at the time.

After coming back from a really nice road trip to meet my boyfriend’s family, he discloses that he intends to get a massage from her. I am taken aback by this. I initiate a request for space because to me I find that unacceptable and inappropriate and after hearing him try to justify it with talk about respecting her as a professional we did not see eye to eye, so I stated what I wanted which was a break. A couple of days later my boyfriend attempts to reconcile with me by stating that he has cancelled the appointment. I thought that he realized the importance of why, but he stated that he was stressed out about us and would not have been relaxed enough to receive the massage. Say what?

No…it gets better..

After trying to be reasonable and tired of the rollercoaster wtf doses I experience ,things settle yet I’m not feeling 100% resolved with this . A couple of days later ,I get a text from HER stating that she doesn’t appreciate the assumptions I’ve made about their relationship and that I was not to come over to their household until I speak with her. I contemplate answering this woman. I thought to send a quick Fb message to let her know to call me instead of texting (so that there are no misunderstandings) but found that she was no longer listed as one of my friends. I do not feel I have to answer to her, nor am I inclined to based on my opinion of her.

First thing that comes to my mind is why is he talking with her about our situation? These things for me do not add up: the fact that he on some level does not respect her character yet is talking with her about what affects me instead of just politely declining the massage – asking for a good referral – and leaving it at that.

I understand that there are subtle nuances that could paint an accurate picture of the dynamics at play. But I feel like I am basing my strong opinion on this by what I have witnessed and experienced with him as well. Including prior to any of this happening, we had issues related to what I feel was him not prioritizing me. First time it happened was about 3 months into dating and he called on a Fri night and stated that he thought to ask me to go to a party that evening, but discovered that an ex(unknown-didn’t ask) was going to be there and so he wanted to be mindful of her feelings.Hmmm. That was the first time I really wanted to end it with him. This happened after a couple of issues with him not being able to commit to setting some time aside for an event or something else a week in advance. I find that our situation seems like a broken record, revisiting the same core issue.

I think that I struggle also with trust but in all fairness I think that behavior demonstrates whether something can be trusted. Another example would be –during the first couple of months we were sitting in a restaurant , and supposedly by coincidence a “friend” of his was there . She happened to be sitting in the table next to us. I’m not sure when she came in, but there she was .He introduced us , and when it was time to go, he and I were headed out he leaned over to her and kissed her in the mouth. I was second guessing what I saw and chose not to make a deal of it then, but it kept coming up for me and I finally asked him and found out that she was another ex-lover.

So with all my dis-ease in this .. the fact that it is easy to label someone as jealous bothers me. It’s so much more than that. To me it’s about two people who want to be together safeguarding their relationship from destructive choices or influences. There is appropriate and inappropriate. The fact that he and his housemate have talked and collaborate on an issue that I feel he should have handled appropriately doesn’t sit well with me. I think we both want different things within a relationship.

I think I know where this is heading but just wanted to put it out there to see what other thoughts come up about this based on what I’ve shared- understanding that it can’t cover all of the nuances involved. Thanks!

Anyway, I just wanted to say how right you are! I hail from the NYC area, and that to me will always be my first home (though of course I know people who hate it), but post college I was feeling worn out and tired of the Tri-state, so I decided it was time for a major change. I trekked across the country and, upon determining I could not afford San Francisco, headed down to LA and settled there. I planned not to stay long and was a little wary because of everything I’d heard about it, but years later I am still here and loving life! I have some great friends and love the diversity and culture of the city, as well as the surrounding nature (beaches, mountains, forests, deserts– all within easy access). And I’ve never grown tired of the palm trees and the lack of snow! And while I myself don’t work in movies, I gotta admit that as someone who loves them, there is definitely something magical about having them be made so close. Like every place in the world, this one isn’t for everyone, but for some of us, it is where we belong.

My brother, on the other hand, ended up settling in Boston. I do like that area a lot, and I always enjoy my visits there, but I just couldn’t do it permanently. But again, there are pros and cons to every city, but there is definitely beauty and fun to be found everywhere. In the United States we’re especially lucky to have such diverse options. I hope to visit all of the major ones at least once in my lifetime!

Good advice from YT. If you don’t buy tickets/accommodations for a trip, there won’t be a trip, so it kind of solves itself. As long as you do something very nice for her (party), she’ll have something to fondly look back on, which seems like it solves this problem. If she pouts because she didn’t get her trip, that would be pretty damn weird and indicative of a larger issue, IMO.