a dog named tess

So about three weeks ago I made a crazy, emotionally driven decision. A decision that has dramatically changed my life, and that I have second-guessed at least once a day since making it.
But first, let me back track. For those of you who keep up with my blog, you know that I have been volunteering as a dog walker at the Oregon Humane Society. You also know that a while back I posted a blog pleading on behalf of a sweet dog named Tess who was desperately in need of a home, and then a couple weeks later made note of how I thought Tess had been adopted.
Well, it turned out that Tess hadn’t been adopted. The shelter was so over crowded with dogs that somebody who worked there decided to just take her home for the long weekend (it was thanksgiving). And a few days later when I was back to walk the dogs on my usual shift, there was Tess, back in her kennel, looking very depressed. Tess had been at the Humane Society a long time (since May) and it just didn’t look like anybody was going to adopt her. She’s an older dog (estimated around 8 years) and missing most of her teeth. She was my favorite dog to walk and I had really grown attached to her. She’d been there longer than any of the other dogs, and just so happened to end up at the shelter about the same time that I was going through a difficult break-up. When I’d walk her I’d joke to her that we both got dumped at the same time.
So anyhow, there I was, walking Tess again, conflicted in my joy of seeing her, and very sad when I had to put her back in her kennel. She was clearly depressed, she hadn’t been eating, and when I closed the kennel door behind her she just laid down and sank her head between her paws. I walked about three more dogs, then decided that I was going to take Tess home. I was not very confident that I’d be a good dog owner, I wasn’t really sure how my landlord would react, and was very nervous about the fact that I don’t have a backyard, I travel a lot, and tend to get pretty busy. But Tess is an older, calm dog and I had a strong hunch that if there was a perfect dog out there for me she was it. Plus, she really needed a home.
Driving home with Tess was a lot of fun, and the first hour of our new relationship was wonderful. But then the reality of being a dog owner set in and I immediately started having a severe anxiety attack. It started when I made the huge mistake of seeing if she would go from my van to the house without being hooked on a leash. The second she realized she was free, she bolted off towards the river and down to where the raccoons live. I spent about half an hour chasing after her, crawling through patches of blackberries and making a giant mess of myself and was finally able to grab her. But that triggered a wave of panic in my head of all the terrible things that could go wrong, and made me realize the giant responsibility I had just taken on.

The first night Tess slept fine but I didn’t sleep a wink. I was certain I had made a terrible mistake and decided I needed to take her back to the humane society. I was a good ‘dog uncle’ I thought, but being a dog parent was something I just wasn’t ready for. Too much to handle, too much to sacrifice. I went over in my head all the things I’d say to the people at the shelter. “Sorry, it’s me, not her, I’m just not ready for this.” or “holy cow, I just realized I am totally allergic to dogs,” or several other scenarios in-between. But I knew I was freaking out, and with the support of friends and family, was reminded that this was obviously going to be a big crazy thing, and that I should at least give it a few days. I decided to wait one week before making any decisions; one week to be a great dog uncle, take her for walks, give her treats and give her a bath. Give her a wonderful vacation away from the shelter, and if I had to take her back, then well I would know it was for the best.
As of today, I have had her for three weeks. The thought of making the decision to permanently keep her still scares me to death, but she is still here, and things are getting a lot easier. We have gone for lots of walks and rides, she likes to snuggle up under my feet when I am working at my desk, she has accompanied me out on ghost town filming expeditions, and last night she even helped us bust open a piñata. She is a pretty amazing dog, and is nearly the perfect dog that I thought she’d be, barring perhaps her deep desire to chase after any rodent or cat sized living thing that she sees. I don’t think she’ll ever be an off-leash dog, but then again I think most dogs are like that.
When I adopted her I also learned more about her history. Turns out this is the second time she has been at the shelter. The first time she was brought in by animal control as a stray back in the spring of ’05. She was in the shelter for a few weeks and then was adopted by some shit-heat named Brian. After owning her for six months, one day Brian took her to a vet because she was all beaten up. She had broken ribs, and Brian said that she somehow did it to herself. And then the next day Brian never went back to pick her up. I got a copy of the vet report, and see notes of a two week attempt to track him down; calling various numbers and contacting the manager of the apartment building of his address, only to find he had been evicted over a year ago. Looks like Brian kicked Tess a little too hard one day, and then decided to dump her at the vet. Abandoned at the vet after being beaten up, and living in a kennel much smaller than she probably should have been, Tess then had a panic attack one night when nobody was there and tried to dig and chew her way out of her cage. She severely injured both her front paws and broke all of her front teeth in the process. These days she only has her back molars, and once the vet fixed her up she wound up being sent back to the Humane Society.
But Tess (who has already garnered the nickname ‘Toothless Jackson’) seems to be doing quite well, and has been handling all of this much better than I have been. She just lies around most the time, taking naps or starring at the wall. I have figured out that she likes to dance, or at least sit back on her hind legs and wave her front paws around. It seems to be her way of saying ‘hey check me out, I’m Tess, I’m super cute, you should come pet me.”
And it works every time.