Urban Honking

Dear ’90s French rappers IAM, Thank you for having a lead MC (Akhenaton) who looks exactly like present-day Dave One, and for making a video which exactly mirrors my life, minus Dave One. Best, J. Escobedo Shepherd, MD

Dear Lou Diamond Phillips, When I was like eight I was really into La Bamba and I adored you. I also dug Esai Morales as your smoking hot, drug smuggling JD brother (“by the sweat of my balls” – classic line), but he simply didn’t match your onscreen gravitas. I have just watched you play […]

Dear Grizzly Bear, I tried watching you on whatever talk show that was last night but I passed out on the couch before you came on. I don’t remember the guests. The evidence was in my morning face, smooshed and puffy like it has been. Remote control indent in my cheek flesh. The gleaming-ass white […]

Amy Winehouse, I didn’t go to your show, but my friend Rachael did. And she sent me this letter: “From: Rachael To: Julianne Subject: Someone Send Amy Winehouse to Rehab i think i know her lyrics better than she does. Let me begin by saying that, as you know, I ADORE her Back to Black […]

Dear Omarion Grandberry, I just want to say I really appreciate all that you do. Thank you, J. Escobedo Shepherd

The shit is magical, but I would avoid mixing – does not play well with others. The dude who gave it to us touted its aphrodesiacal powers, which my companion – a known stallion of a virile dudefest, or at least that’s what he likes to advertise – attested to. But me, I was already […]

It is brutally nice out, and I’m trying not to sweat the Germans reading my mind. Also, Chingo Bling was in yesterday’s USA Today: we are definitely entering outer limits territory.